thinking I suppose.

Valley of the Shadow by Thomas Newman.

...Makes me want to float away.
Or just be a shadow. Invisible. Free. Dancing in the wind.


You know, energy can't be created or destroyed. So when you die, your energy is still hanging around. What if I have no energy left to give.. I wonder... If someone is really calm or exhausted or just lazy, is there potential energy less an active persons? If I become less active, still even, when I'm about to die, can my energy just fade away into nothingness.....

I don't know why I think these things.
I don't know why I think a lot of things, to be honest.
I think too much, I think.


I'm pretty self-centered in my thoughts. I always think people are looking at me, but really they are not and could give two shits about me. I give a lot more to others, I'm actually a really generous person. I was thinking about what is good about myself last night and that's all that I could think of. I'm generous. I suppose that's a good quality to have. But I don't have much else good about me.

I had some peanut butter this morning. Just a little taste.. and now that's all I can smell. It's very weird. lol.


I'm growing very tired of a lot of things in myself. I need to get out of my own head. I'm becoming more and more overwhelmed with myself and it's taking it's toll.

I don't know why I blog, really.

she's gonna start running?
i'm gonna start running further.


Took too much Tylenol in the past 2 days (awful cramps). I just kept taking them without thinking, I was in so much pain, I get disgustingly horrible cramps. Anyway, I passed out a bit in the car yesterday with my friend and threw up in an alley so she wouldn't take me to get my stomach pumped.. she brought it to my attention that Tylenol can be deadly lol.. I was fine last night after that but I was having symptoms when I woke up this morning... Loss of appetite (lol), nausea, going number 2 (ew)... so  I called poison control because my friend said I could get liver failure.

I'm so relieved, they said as long as I didn't take 24 or more, I'm okay.
I think I took 23.. I might have taken 24 but I can't remember for sure.

Makes me realize how much I don't want to actually die.

Reach for the Light

Deep into the far lit night,
I look for everlasting light.
They say it glows as bright as the Sun
but my burning thoughts just begun.
I can tell this life just is not right for me,
only darkness as far as I can see.
My words cannot express this deep regret
that all your needs were just not met.
I cannot hold on to nothing anymore,
My soul is charging out the door.
Chase me with your breath, you might
but you won't catch me turning back to fight.
For all it's worth, I saw the glow at last,
but deaths shadow has too soon been cast.
The end of me has finally come,
this life battle simply cannot be won.
Just as long as you can finally see,
what your words have done to me.
Funny how it takes death to open someones eyes,
to see how her life added up to her size.

(I wrote this poem/lyrics roughly to the song Winter Song by Sara Bareilles and Ingred MIchaelson.. that's the beat it goes to).

i = distusting.

my mind is blank. i've started doing something bad. i hate myself so much. i love you guys

i literally have no one.i can't stop crying.
I am alone
and I don't want to be anymore.

praying.

i think i've had enough

my friend told me i have skinny upper-arms today.
i wish i had skinny arms.
i wish i could see what she sees.
why can't i see what she sees.


edit: Today (Sunday) I ate quite a bit. I have days like this sometimes, where I eat normally, or more than normal (normal for a normal person). I had 3 pieces of candy at work, and the girls were teasing me about eating so much because they hardly ever see me eat. And I had a little snack bag of cheese its this morning. And tonight my dad made pot roast, and I ate that, some corn, and even pasta salad (which usually terrifies me and I never allow myself any). Girls at work also bought me a regular coke when I asked for a diet. I drank that, too. My stomach is killing me though.

Tomorrow I know I won't eat much, I work all day and my boss who I can't bear to eat in front of, idky, will be there.

Rambling.

Live.

I find myself suddenly dreaming, in my own world, but not asleep,
awake and fully functioning, real life just seems all too bleak.
It's like stopping to watch as life passes you right by,
not thinking, not living, only staring into the great sky.
With the silent moon, sullen wind, and vibrant trees around,
your world is being torn apart, and nobody cares enough to hear the sound.
You're wishing someone would look up, praying for anyone to see
the darkness that surrounds you, the sadess that you can be.
You know you are alone and scared to face the world that surrounds,
you can't do what is normal, you are afraid of what may be found
lurking around the corner, or just the thoughts inside your head,
the world would be much clearer, if you just went to bed
and dreamed the dreams that you envision while you are awake,
don't think for just one second, that your existence was a mistake.
Life is far to short to be living in that land,
I tell you this because I know that life is better if unplanned.
Leave the day-dreaming to the weary and live out your dreams instead,
because in this life it's the living that never wait for the dead.

By: me

"Children who were sexually victimized by other minors, including intersibling abuse, show largely the same problems as children victimized by adults, including anxiety, depression, substance abuse, suicide, eating disorders, post traumatic stress disorder, and difficulty trusting peers in the context of relationships.The victim often has distorted beliefs about what happened to them, sometimes even thinking they were the initiator or that they went through the act voluntarily."

Inappropriate Sexual Exposure

For children aged below 11, we consider all forms of sexual exposure inappropriate, and especially for children aged 10 and younger. This includes:

• all forms of sexual activity with adolescents and adults

I'm afraid.
Everday.

a week in the life..

Sunday: Work 6:00-11:00
-I was supposed to have the day off tomorrow, but I'm covering for a friend because she's stressed, lol. Join the club sweetheart. I'll be able to run/workout.. Hopefully I can get 3 miles in. My mom wants to go to the pumpkin patch or something. I get to sleep in though. Sunday (tomorrow) is a mini-floor set at work, so I won't have to deal with customers.. but I don't believe any of my friends are scheduled, but I like everyone at work fine.

Monday: Work 12:00-4:00
-Short day. I'll go to work and be able to workout again today. And finally get a chance to do my homework, as I've worked all this past weekend and haven't had time to start.

Tuesday: School 11:00-6:00
-School starts at 11, but I have to wake up at 9. I get home around 6:15 and do homework or nap/aka hide out in the basement. I take advantage of one of my two days off work for the week. I have to remember to feed my dog, lol.

Wednesday: Work 12:00-9:00
-Long day. At least I can sleep in a bit.. if I can sleep. No time for homework today, so it looks like I'll have to do it Tuesday. Today I'll try and eat a good lunch. Maybe some oatmeal and yogurt.. or a nice piece of fruit.. as I've been slacking in the eating department lately, mainly because of work. I do enjoy breakfast (lunch, really), but it's hard for me to eat anything before 12:30.. my stomach just isn't ready or willing to handle food that early, and I'm usually either still sleeping or already awake and at work or school and am not able to eat. But since I start at 12 today, maybe I can manage to make some oatmeal for myself before I start work. That'll be my goal today.

Thursday: School 11:00-6:00
-My second day off work for the week. My speech in speech class is today. Nervous just thinking about it, lol. I'm doing, "How to sell lotions at Bath and Body Works." Should be easy, since I work there, lol, just might be boring for the class, oh well. Also, I have a human development quiz today and revisions for my world religions class is due today and I have my English assignment due today. Shit. Mental note to study on Tuesday for these and to start on my English assignment on Sunday, OR I can use a homework pass. I just remembered my homework pass! Maybe I'll use it, as this is the third and final homework she's collecting and I've yet to use my pass. Rambling, oops.

Friday: Work 9:45-5:45
-Shift I hate the most. I'm awful at waking up, once I fall asleep, I'm out. I hate opening, but I like it more than closing, so I won't complain. I better be working with someone good. I'll get home too tired to do homework or workout, as I'll have been on my feet for 8 hours with probably no food and only coffee. Today I'll most likely go to eat with my family or my best friend, as it looks like I won't have time for either of them this week.

Saturday: Work 1:00 to 5:45.... work 7:00-11:00.
-Today I'll have 2 shifts. Lucky me. I'll get to sleep in (big plus side for me, I'm a great sleeper lately).. I'll head over for my first shift. It's another floor set at work, day 1 of a two day floor set, hence being scheduled so late.. and twice. I was only supposed to be scheduled 1-5:45, but then my manager got mail from corporate saying that we could start the floor set today so we don't stay so long Sunday.. so she asked if I could work at 7-11, and I said okay as long as I get an hour break.. she happily agreed.

Sunday : Work 6:15-12:00
-Day 2 of floor set. Most of the actual floor moves will be done today for my store, since we're only doing the windows on Saturday. I'll run/workout today and do all of my homework. (Well, maybe do my homework. I'll have to see my Monday schedule).



From Sunday to Sunday, total work hours is 41, give or take a few fifteen minutes that I rounded up or down.. also, give or take a few hours, because when I have closing shifts, we tend to get out at 8:30 instead of 9 (unless it's a floor set)

My "stressed" co-worker who I am working for tomorrow works 7 hours from Sunday to Sunday. If she read this, I think she'd get some perspective about how little stress she has in her life. I guess I should be happy for the money, but I honestly don't need any. My parents give me money for whatever I want, really, and I just spend mine on coffee or treats for people at work, and clothes, and I save the rest.

Not going to be a good week. Not going to be a happy/talkative week.

I worked 7 hours today. Watched 2 movies when I got home.. Hocus Pocus and Beetlejuice. I love those movies. Corpse Bride and Nightmare Before Christmas are on tomorrow (Sunday). My favorites... something to look forward too, I suppose.

I do have some goals for this week, besides living through work, lol. Finish another book. I have a pile going of like, 7 I started and need to finish. I do this a lot, but usually with only 3 or 4 books at a time. I finished one two nights ago, and I want to finish another this week.

I hope you all are doing lovely.

why am I so good at hiding things

I'm a psych major.. thought this was interesting.


-----Email-----
As a Masters in Mental Health Counseling grad student, I was inspired by this secret, took a risk, and told my classmates about my family history with mental illness.

I'm so glad I did, because I found out that in our class we have a student who was bulimic, one who was anorexic, a cutter, someone who struggled with separation anxiety disorder, someone who fought panic attacks, and so on.

Sharing our secrets allowed us to keep each other safe, have more insightful class discussion, and most importantly, it helped us to remember that therapists are human too.





my mom asked me if i still got my period today.

me

broken. replaceable. worthless. pig. beyond repair. weak. alone.


me.
myself.
i.

26.2

I've wanted to run a marathon for at least 3 years now. It's always been a goal of mine. I love running, the girls from my high school new that, and I was voted, "Most likely to run a marathon" senior year, lol.. along with "nicest person" or something stupid like that.

I've done 8ks and 5ks, and I'm doing a 5k this Sunday with my family for breast cancer (although I will be walking it).. my mother is a 5 year survivor this year.  (: Also doing a 5k turkey trot with my best friend, which we will be running.

Anyways, the Bank of America just had their annual marathon a few days ago, and my legs are itching to do it. I can run 5 miles right now (on good days) without stopping.

I know I can't do the marathon while having an eating disorder and that tears me apart.
I don't want to recover, I'm not ready, I won't even attempt to fake that I might be ready.
But I really want to run this bitch next year.
I want to be happy.
I want to be free.


but I don't want it bad enough.

Dear sweatpants, Y U NO FIT?

My co-workers have taken to feeding me lately. It's sweet, but it makes me want to rip all of their hearts out.
They've done this before, but stopped, and now they're at it again.

One gave me ritz crackers today. Another brings me Starbucks drinks and breads whenever she goes, and another always gets me food from McDonald's even when all I ask for is a diet coke (she actually started getting me regular coke, I've noticed).

It's irritating.
I know they "care" blah blah blah.

I'm just avoiding moving upstairs so I'm writing about this, lol. I'm too lazy and weak today to budge.

I have 70+ pages to read for homework. Thanks to my good friend Work, I did not have time to study all weekend. I just finished my main assignment, which is a relief, but now I'm ditching my first two classes in order to prepare for my human development test.

Oh, Lilly close your eyes, I've checked my schedule for this coming week, as my boss was in today and I knew she'd be putting it up, and they've put me back for 30 hours. Granted, 6 hours are call-in shifts, so if they don't use me for those, it'll be 24 hours. Bloody hell! ;) (I hear/read this in Harry Potter and think it's the funniest phrase in the world).


Dear sweatpants, Y U NO FIT!
I washed my sweatpants and the stupid strings got in this huge knot. So now, not only are my pants huge on me, whenever I walk, they fall down lol. And they are my favorite indoor pants. Goodness, my life is rough. =P Jk, but I'm glad this is the only major problem I am having today. I'm also glad I think it's funny..

Fuck you

A big football game for the university I had to leave is on TV.
I wish I didn't have to leave.
I want to be at the game with all my friends.
My eating disorder can fuck itself hard.

Jingle bells, homework smells.

(Lily, I know you will be proud of this one)

I sort of, inadvertently, requested less hours at work. I was talking to a friend who I work with, telling her how I was so stressed over homework and working 30 hours a week, and my boss overheard our conversation. So she asked me if I was behind in school and I said, not yet, but that I always have a lot of work to do. And so this past Monday I looked at my schedule for next week and it was perfect. She cut my hours by 13 (did I really do math that fast?) lol.. so I work only 17 hours next week. I cried I was so happy.. I was partly happy because I didn't exactly ask for less hours.. they were just given to me.. haha.. I wish I wasn't so stubborn, but at least things worked out this time.

AND I basically pressured a girl at work to sub for me this Sunday so I can go to my cousins 2nd birthday party. I always sub for this girl whenever she asks me to, literally, I think I said no once and I worked for her probably 6 times.. and whenever I ask her, it's always a no. So this time I text her and was like, "So, I'm asking you first because I always work for you, so can you work for me this Sunday..." and she was like, "Well, I guess so, but I work early Monday morning." And I just said THANKS SO MUCH! and she said no problem. lol. I can be an assertive bitch sometimes but I think this chick deserved it. She owed me one.

This week has been a challenge though. Well, not so much this week as to these past 2 months, lol. But really, since Tuesday I've been awfully stressed out. I have SO much work due tomorrow, and only got 2 things done. I have a World Religions test which is 25% of my grade, and I've been sitting in my basement for an hour not being able to study.. I did other homework, but not that.. and I also have a human development quiz tomorrow, but those are always easy so I didn't study yet for that either.. and it's 10:45 pm. Oops.

I had these weird stomach cramps today. I asked one of my bosses at work for Tylenol, and she gave me instead a painkiller that she was prescribed. It's a light painkiller, nothing but a little bit stronger than an average dose of Tylenol.. but my stomach still hurt when I got home so I popped 3 Tylenol.. it's safe to say that I felt completely numb and loopy and sleepy.. I couldn't get myself to start working until it wore off..

My scab finally fell off from when I cut myself last week.. it was a pretty thick cut, and I wasn't able to work out because I couldn't wear shorts.. now at least it's much less noticeable, although still red.

I really need to go study.. but I can't bring myself to give a shit anymore. I just want to sleep and for tomorrow to be over.

I finished my paper.

I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper.



Hell.
Yes.


For my scary English teacher. Not scary, but, yeah, actually, pretty damn scary. I was fucking worried about it. Like, more anxious about it than I've ever been in a long time over a homework assignment. And I finished it in like, 3 1/2 hours.

I'm still tweaking it, but it's mainly done.

I couldn't be happier.
Lol, I'm happy?
No, probably not, just relieved.
A big rock has just been lifted off my shoulders.

OMG. I finished my paper. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.


I shouldn't get too excited, what if it sucks? lol

why why why

I'm fucking stupid.
I charged my own card for online shopping instead of my parents.
Now I'm out $130.
Ooops.

I think I kind of deserved it, I was too lazy/tired to get up and see which card numbers were mine or my parents.. the website has them both saved on their site so I never have to enter them in anymore.
I shop too much, apparently. Hah. I'm pissed though.

I probably sound like a spoiled bitch. Whatever.

I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
About anything.


Cut cut cut.

Tonight sucks. This week sucks.. The past few weeks have sucked.

I keep waiting for a break.. for a day that I'm not so upset or crying or stressing about anything. A day where I don't cut.
And the day never comes.
Never fucking comes.

My life sucks.
I suck.
Work and school suck.

I really can't handle it anymore. Idk what to do, honestly. I'm going literally insane, more than I already am, lol, and it's literally breaking me to pieces. Chunks.


Life is crushing me and I'm to weak to care.

Things to do:

-Finish reading and taking notes for my psych quiz Tuesday.
-Sleep tonight.
-Work out tomorrow.
-Analyze, summarize, and outline chapter for English for Tuesday.
-Read 4 chapters for my speech class for Tuesday.
-Write 2nd World Religions paper for Thursday.
-Go to work tomorrow.

Don't die? Don't cut. Don't freak out.

eat. something.

Zzzzzz

I'm tired. So tired.
I worked today and now I can't focus on homework. My body is exhausted and so is my mind.
I don't want to go shopping, but I will. I should do homework, but I can't get off the couch. I can't even run.
I need less hours at work but I want to be able to do it.. I don't want to let anyone down by asking for less.
I don't want to disappoint my boss, and I won't. My co-worker goes to school full time, too, and she told our boss she needs to work less. But I don't want to be like her. I need to be stronger. Better.
I need to be less. Nothing. Less than nothing. Gone.



Going to visit one of my best friends colleges today with my other best friend. I'm excited for that, but I need a nap.
I'll go nap now, I suppose. There goes shopping.
I need a break.
I need a lot of things.


Hope you all are well.

mad men.

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself.

I worked so hard in high school. I was an all-around athlete, graduated in the top 5% of my class.. I graduated 9th in my class, I think.. or 7th... whatever.. Got into the best universities.. and even got into one of the best psych programs outside of Ivy League schools.. and then I fucked everything up and had to leave.

It's all my fault. I am fucking stupid. Worthless. Shit. Disgusting. Loser. Piece of shit. Nothing.

And now, I am sitting home on my parents couch, stuck at home for another year, in community college, a place I swore myself I'd never be... working full time, while all my friends are off doing something with their lives.. I am alone.

What the fuck.

Why am I still here.
Why am I such a disgusting person.
Awful person.
Nothing person.
Not worth anything person.
Apparently.

I did some bad things. Oh well. I deserve it.

I really fucking hate myself.. I can literally feel the worthlessness moving around inside me... swishing... flowing.. I can feel it under my skin, does that make sense? I know it's there.. because I can feel it.

I wish I couldn't feel anything..
Nothing.
Zero.
Gone.
Perfect.

i hate hair.

I am a bad friend. I'm so absorbed in my own shit and I don't have the time or focus to help any of my friends. They send me texts and I can't focus enough to read them or even understand what they are trying to say.. and I snap at them. I'm awful.

I'm sorry.




PS. Again, title is a quote I just heard on Chelsea Lately... lol.

----

Not doing well.
Everything hurts all the time.
I'm exhausted in every way possible..
I can't even focus my eyes on the TV.
I cry all the time.
I can't focus at school or work.. they think I'm a space-head, or nuts.


lol. I suppose I am.

September 11, 2001

Ten years ago today, I was in school walking down the halls after bringing my classes mail to the office when my principal made the announcement over the intercom, an announcement that I did not understand.. Something about a plane attack, I assumed a plane just crashed. Teachers started crying and they were able to listen to the radio/watch TV all day during classes. I live in Chicago and people we scared we'd be the next target, so many of the parents came to pick up their kids from school and I even remember some of the people  in my neighborhood boarding up their windows and doors in case something happened here..

When I got home, my mom was sobbing over the TV holding my baby sister, trying to get ahold of my dad who is a manager at O'Hare Airport. He wasn't home until about 1 am as he had to deal with all the flights that were canceled and he had to work with other airports to ground all the current in-air-flights. My mom told me that my dad called her to turn on the TV after the first tower was hit, and they both watched live on TV as second plane hit the second tower. That gives me chills just writing about them seeing that. Sometimes I am very grateful that I was only 9 when it happened because I don't know how I would have reacted if it happened when I was old enough to understand what was really going on.

I remember being scared just because my mother was scared, I thought we were all going to die and I remember asking my teacher if we were going to be okay. She said she did not know, but that at least for now, we were fine. I was only in 4th grade and I will never forget the horrible things I saw on TV that day. All those people crying and dying, jumping, covered in ash, the screams when the buildings collapsed one after the other...


9/11 is a day that the world will always remember and Americans will always take to heart.


I feel like my problems seem so very trivial today. All those people who died, innocent people murdered over terrorism, and here I am, not eating. My biggest problem is that I can't eat like a normal human being, but at least I am alive.

God bless everyone who died today, 10 years ago. They will never be forgotten.

banana crackers.

Progress took away what forever took to find.

Went to dinner with 2 friends tonight and we had a good time! My best friend is getting worried about me, I can tell. She grabbed my upper arm (biceps? lol idk) and when I looked at her as if to say, "Wtf are you doing?" she said, "I was just making sure my fingers can't reach completely around your arm yet. When they do......" and she trailed off because I mumbled something about it just being my sweater that was tight that made my arms look tiny.

Stop and watch the world as she withers away, but it's not our problem, now.


School was good today actually.. I had another pop quiz in psych and only got 1 wrong (again), which I was really pissed about, but it's still an A and I'm still getting an A all my classes so far.. it's only 3 weeks in, but whatever lol. Our test is next Thursday and I want an A. I've been studying like it's my job, and working like it's my job, for that matter..

Work has been so stressful. Going from working 12-15 hours a week to 28-30 hours a week has been a challenge, especially with not much food and walking around/lifting boxes all day. I work at Bath and Body Works, btw, and I love it. I kept telling my friend how stressed I've been about work and school and she kept minimizing my feelings because she works 40 hours a week. I keep forgetting that she doesn't have an eating disorder.. I actually sometimes forget that I have one, not to say I don't think about it 24/7, I just mean that it's like second nature to me, I sometimes don't consider it "abnormal" or "disordered. It's just how I am.. how I can always remember me being.. it's normal for me to be exhausted all the time, but not when I compare myself to my "normal" friends. I'm confusing myself here. Sorry hahaa.

How 'bout a drink or a bite to eat? He said "no, my faith is all I need." Save me, save me.

I got paid tonight, yay. Not as much as I hoped because I worked fucking long hours last week, but then I remembered that last week's hours goes into my next paycheck in 2 weeks. And when I combine those hours with the 30 hours I have this week, my paycheck will be the biggest one I've gotten so far. Which couldn't come at a better time because my best friends birthday is coming up and we're going out and things.. and it's getting colder, which means winter shopping. (: I love winter clothes. Big-ass sweaters that are finally weather appropriate and big sweat pants.. things I've been wearing all summer but can now wear without getting weird looks.

Anyone else love Christmas? I don't like being out in the cold or snow, but I love how pretty and quiet the city gets when it snows.. The city is always so noisy, something is always going on, and I just love how peaceful it gets... and I love the smell of our Christmas trees and baking/decorating Christmas cookies, yummy Christmas candle smells, Christmas movies, I love everything about it. I'm always happier around the holidays. It's lovely. Except when it actually gets to the holidays, I find myself depressed.. but for some reason I always look forward to them.. thinking I'll be happy when they get here and things, Idk, I can't really explain it...

Or am I too far gone, to get back home?

Today was a good day, and now that I think about it, I realize it is because I didn't have work. I was not stressed. Work has been stressful lately, with the fainting and trying to act like a normal, happy human being all the time. But I was actually not in that big depression mode today or anything. I won't cut tonight.

You are all so lovely.

Now she's falling hard, she feels the fall of dark, how did this fall apart?










Why can I never think of appropriate titles for my blogs? Banana crackers seem like they would taste good, no? I think I've gone bananas.

OH! @lillyz. and lissy.. I did manage to do some shopping earlier this week.. I figured I would get some new clothes since I'd be getting a nice paycheck. I bought a pair of jeans, a shirt for work, a grey sweater, and a pink tank top with flower or triangles on it or something lol, I can't remember. :) But it did make me feel better. I ordered them online so hopefully they will be here tomorrow (today, really) or on Monday. Thanks for the suggestion!

motherfuckingwork.

I want to cry, I am so exhausted. I slept 3 hours last night, woke up at 9 for school, had school from 11-3, worked from 4-11 pm. fuck a mother fucking fuck fuck fuck fucker. I'm so exhausted idk what I want to do. I have a fucking headache and my stomach is killing me because I've been so stressed this past week and I've cut my normal calorie amount in half.. well idk really, I suck at math, whatever... today I had 130 calories, yesterday I had none because I fucking suck and don't deserve shit, and I just want to fucking rip out my stomach.. I ate 8 and a half hours ago and I can feel it working inside me, messing up my insides, fat fat fat fucking fat.

I work at 945 until 5 tomorrow and I'm crying now just thinking about it. I can't keep doing this. I can't go through the day tomorrow with no food, but I'm going to because I'm a fucking cow and my body can manage to eat my fat for another day.

I have to be awake in 8 hours, I hope I can sleep. Fuck work, seriously. fuck fuckfuckfuckffuckfuckfuckfuck.



Bright side? My paycheck is going to be fucking huge... but, at what cost? is it worth all this?

Going to bed, goodnight.

you're a dick.

Do you ever feel like you don't belong in your body? Like.... like you are not good enough for it? Not worth enough? My brain is so fucked up, my "spirit" is so fucked up or whatever. What did I ever do to deserve this body? I'm ruining it all; everything is on my shoulders, and I'm getting very tired of carrying the weight around.

And the amazing part is, I'm smart... school smart, I mean, other smarts, not so much... but I should logically be able to see what I am doing to myself and stop it. Logic is the key and I can't figure out which door it opens. How incredibly smart does that make me? Genius.





PS. I couldn't think of a title for this, and on TV a commercial came on, and some dude said, "You're a dick." lol. So, no one is a dick.. except maybe, a dick.... this is getting awkward.

LYRICS

Just some lyrics I like... :) Or can relate to... Or both.
pointless post lol. Just really for my enjoyment, as I'm bored.. and can't sleep.


Lost myself and I'm nowhere to be found,
Yeah, I think that I might break,
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe.
------
It feels like everyday stays the same,
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again.
-------
Well it's in full speed baby,
in the wrong direction
There's a few more bruises
if that's the way
you insist on heading.
------
I have everything to lose
by not giving up to fight.
------
Where all these troubles
that weigh down on me will rise
Run to your dreaming
when you're alone
Where all these questions
Spinnin' around my head
Will die....


My favorite song of all time.... never gets old for me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7O9Sf4P38oE

shit work shit shit work.

My boss talked to me today. She asked me why I thought I got so many hours this week, I was like uh, because I'm a good employee? (lol) And she said she wanted to "watch me" because my parents obviously weren't doing a great job at it. Um, okay. I hate feeling like this.. like I'm forcing someone to look after me and it's a burden on them.. I love work and I don't want to feel weird there.

I hardly ate today. I had half of a banana and I feel like absolute shit. I wish she never said that to me; it's all I'm going to think about whenever she's at work with me.. which is hardly ever.. and like someone told me, why would she give me more hours if she's worried about me? Shouldn't she give me less? She's never there when I'm scheduled anyway, besides today and tomorrow I suppose. I just hate it. Myself. Blah. Whatever I guess. It's my fault anyway.

I'm just in a horrible mood, I can't stop crying. And to top it off, I accidently cut myself at work, and, it's just a scratch, but it looks like a faded scar on my arm.. Damn soap boxes can kiss my ass. What's more triggering then a cut that I didn't even get to purposely do to myself? Now I have that feeling, but I won't do it, so whatever.

Today was awful. I'm not in a good mood. But I want so much to be.

thinking thinking thoughts.

So many thoughts
schoolworkfriendsrecoveringdyinglivingworkingrunningspinningfallingfainting.

All at once.. it's like I don't know which to think about first.. each equally as important as the next.


I have to write a paper about how my sister and I are different and how we are the same. That should be easy. There is one big difference. She's normal. lol, what if I wrote that on my paper.. haha.

"She is normal." "The great one." "The outspoken one." "The funny one." "The, everything I'm not, one."

lol.

Some people think I'm normal.. that I have no flaws. My friends think I'm perfect.. ('friends,' lol)... They're jealous of me.. I excel at school, have a nice job, what seems to be a steady family...I'm just excellent at hiding things. Truly, I am. I'm great at acting. They obviously know things about my ED, but they act like it's nothing, like it's part of me.. that it makes me who I am. And sometimes, I believe that it does.



That's what I have to change... it doesn't make me. I make me. It is just a part of me.. And parts can be broken... but they can also be fixed.. you just have to find someone who is willing to help you fix them.

seriously....

*deleted*

The ignorance of people.
she has an eating disorder, too.


i'm scary.
you're scary.
eating disorders are scary.


ass.



isuckusickcisuckisuckiusckisucksuscihisjcijca.
horrible human being.

op?

Looking into outpatient programs. Idk if I'm ready yet. I'm scared, I'm being shoved.

I'm not ready. I won't go. But I want to look.

are you hungry?

Went to my best friends house today.. her mom offered me food about 5 times. "No, I'm not hungry."
Doesn't she get it?
Doesn't anyone get it?

No.

Going to Florida this Saturday. If I can't bring my laptop, I won't be on here or PT at all for a week. Then school starts the day after I get back. And work.

Fuck it. All.

Seriously.

I've been hanging out with friends from work, they're great and a nice change from my "other" friends, lol.. or my high school friends, whatever. They treat me like an actual human being. It's nice.

I really have nothing to say. I'm gonna go watch DeGrassi.

brb, lol.

taking a break from everything.. it's all getting to hard.

5 things you can't live without.

Someone made a post on PT asking what 5 things we couldn't live without.

my number 5 was my dad and my sister.
Not my mother.


I've thought about, many times, what I would do if ever my dad was to die. And each time, I can't picture living without him.. how I'd manage to go on... I don't think I'd be able to... (and I don't want to find out).. The same thing with my sister, except I'd imagine I'd do horrible things to the person (if she died because of a person) who did it to her. I'd be lost without her.

And then I think of what I would do if my mother died. I'd be really sad, even though we don't get alone, we don't relate to one another, we are polar opposites. But I don't see myself shutting down. I see myself feeling bad that we never had the mother/daughter-relationship that I always envy in movies, or in my friends families.



I don't know why I felt like writing about that.

wee

Ate 540 calories yesterday.

More than I've eaten collectively in months.

I think I'm proud of myself.





I reply to blogs tonight!

small steps

So, by no means am I trying to recover yet, and I know I'm not one of those people who could do it by myself, I'd just like to try and get myself a little healthier.
Today was day one I suppose.

I had 2 slices of watermelon for breakfast.. let's say 100 calories to be safe.. although I think it's more like 45..
Then I took a vitamin and felt sick because it has fish in it and I'm allergic. So I've felt like crap all day. 10 calories for that.

For lunch I had a small salad with some grilled chicken.. that's nothing new, as that's all I normally eat everyday.. (plus half of a yogurt but I didn't have one today).. There are 105 calories in my salad.

Then for dinner I went out to eat. This is where I am proud of myself. I ate half a sandwich MADE BY SOMEONE ELSE. I only ate half of it, picked off half of the turkey so I had 1/2 a slice of it, and I kept on the lettuce. AND I ate a pickle. I think that's like, 170 calories.

I guess it's not a lot. But it's more than I've eaten in a long time. 385 today. Good, no? :)

PLUS I didn't work out today because I felt too sick from the vitamins, so I'm feeling very anxious about that. But... Idk.

MILK

I've been craving milk.
I'm going to a concert this Friday, Dave Matthews.. my topic got negative 1 views on PT, lmao.. Dave fail.
I've been working like a madwoman, doing school work, spending time with my family actually.

4th of July is my favorite holiday. We always have a party, it was actually really fun. I laughed a lot more than I usually do.. idk.

I have nothing really to say anymore. Kinda drained.. can't say why. I think I'm just tired tonight.

Hope everyone is well. Sorry for the pointless post, lol.


Like seriously, I'm hardcore craving some milk.

?

I never honestly wished myself dead until last night. It was such a strong feeling. I wanted to die.

Was?

Wanted?


I still feel... dark.. black.. cloudy? smokey... idk.. It's something I can't describe, I can't place an emotion on it.. empty?


But I'm here.

I suck.

I cut myself for the first time in months yesterday night... actually.. it was more like a scratch.. I took some scissors and just wanted to make the pain physical and not emotional, but I stopped, so it's not bad.. I don't think it will even scar.

I feel like shit, but then again, I don't.. I knew I wasn't gonna calm down unless I did it and I stopped before I made it worse, so in a twisted way, I'm proud of myself... weird?

I realize my head may be twisted..

near death.

Idk, I almost died today.. near death experiences, woo.

So I just got off work and my boss and I ran straight to our cars because it started to pour on us. I was driving out of the parking lot was stopped at a red light- the wind was so bad my car was shaking, the trees were half-bent over, and the truck next to me was shaking, making me nervous. So I called up my dad and asked if there was a tornado warning- he said yes and to drive over to my friends house. (She lives about 3-4 blocks away from my work, closer than my house is). (I also later found out that the winds were 100 mph). So I got stopped by a train on my way to my friends. There was one car in front of me, and quite a few more behind. We couldn't see out our car windows  it was raining so hard. The train goes by and all of a sudden the electricity box (power box?, idk the proper name) explodes right in front of my car, made a huge BANG and BUZZ/ZAP noise, the car in front of me slammed on their breaks (as they were just staring to go because the train passed) and all the cars just sort of sat in shock for a few minutes.

So I start crying, as I guess I could have been electrocuted and died. I called my friend in tears, I was shaking so bad and even though the train lights were out, I sped across the tracks, not caring if another train was headed my way, I just wanted to get inside.

Idk, I'm still shaken up about it.. my uncle called to see if I was okay, he's a psychologist lol, I feel kind of like he thinks I went crazy because of it, but I'm alright now. I got sick when I got home because I was so nervous, but getting it out makes me feel better. I managed to drive home but not without some anxiety.. I think I'll be fine in my car tomorrow, but I likely will be anxious when I have to go to work and back for my next shift.

Hope everyone is doing well.

stupidfatbitch

So I've been sick and my 2 best friends came over to visit me today. They brought me a bagel and a frozen hot chocolate from Dunkin Donuts. An 'everything' bagel with WADS of chive cream cheese.

They kept complaining I wasn't eating the bagel.. hell no I couldn't TOUCH that bagel..smelling it made me nervous. 500 calories, I've googled.. 430 for the drink. It's probably more with the cream cheese.. I kept telling them my throat hurt and they said fine save the bagel and drink the frozen hot chocolate! They said it would help my throat. I knew it would help my throat. I knew it would make me want to die after. I drank about 1/4 of it.
I am not okay.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
nothing.
I suppose.
I'll be fine.
I'm a fat bitch. But I'll be fine.
It made me want to cut so badly.
But I didn't. And I'm not proud of myself like I should be.
I still want to cut but I'm not going to.
I'm going to bed I think.
I still want to cut. I deserve to. Drinking this fucking sugary mess.
Sugar is filling my intestines. Chocolate. fat. fat. fatfatafatafatfatfat.

Some lovely people of PT kept me occupied for a bit.
They don't know really how much they helped me.

I really want to cut.
I'm still typing, just so I won't. I'm so anxious I'm shaking. I need to do something but I can't think of anything but that damn drink. Drink. Drunk. Drank.

life, FTW!

I was babysitting my 2 cousins Saturday night and started feeling like death. I was shivering and I actually felt like dying. I drove home and I'm surprised I didn't die, because I was almost passed out, but I came home and just slept. Sunday I went to the hospital and had a strep test done. Positive. So I laid on the couch all day and napped in my parents bed. Then today I woke up with horrible pain in my right ear and I couldn't walk right or stand without feeling sick, so my parents took me back to the doctors. They said nothing about my ears really but I have some weird contagious virus and the flu, on-top of the strep throat. So basically I feel amazing.. lol not.

So it was my right ear that it was hard to hear out of and hurt, but now it's my left. And my left is way worse than my right was. It's all plugged and it's hard to hear out of it and it's uncomfortable and it hurts.

I had my first day of summer classes today, but I obviously couldn't go. And I had to call in sick to work again today, which sucks because I love my job, but they were really good about it, so that was a load off my shoulders. I always worry about shit like that but it worked out fine. Damn my ear hurts. Complain complain complain.

No one has been making me eat these past few days, not that they make me eat anyways, so I don't know why I said that, but whatever. I'm not hungry anyways, probably from all the delicious mucus I've been swallowing. YUM. Lol sorry, that was gross. ;)

We're watching my cousins dog and the thing doesn't eat. It's kinda annoying! Lol I'm like EAT COSMO!!! But nooooo. Oh well.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NANCY!

nanny, FTW!

You went 30 days without purging.
You are amazing.
You inspire me.
Idk what I'd do without you.
You're so strong to make it 30 days.
I can't wait until it's 30 more.
If anyone can do it- it's you.

I was thiiiiinkin

last night. About how I would explain an eating disorder to someone else.. like, I was thinking of an analogy.. and this is what I came up with.. I think it sounds better in my head than it does on here lol.


Having an eating disorder is like having a song stuck in your head. It's like having a song stuck in your head for years. And it's the same song, over and over again. The melody and rhythm are different from person to person, but the lyrics are generally the same. "You're fat, you're ugly, you can't eat that, you only burned 800 calories today, you deserve this." And the problem with this song is that it is stuck on repeat. The 'PLAY' button is jammed. There is no stop button. No pause button or fast forward button. No re-wind button to go back to before this all started. But there are ways to fix it, and I think there are two options to do that. Option number one is to destroy it. Break it, smash it and burn the pieces. Death. This might be the easier of the two, a route that seems much more comfortable to take: the easy way out. The second option is to open your mind and carefully take out everything  and put it back the right way. Tighten the screws and untangle the wires. It will take a while; Rome wasn't built in a day, but it's possible. After taking the journey down the second path, you begin to see hope. A life. Family, friends, a job. Everything looks and feels brighter. The lyrics have finally changed and the melody is happy and upbeat. "You're free, you are beautiful, you deserve the best, people care about you, you have a wonderful new beginning." And I think, that's what everybody wants, right? A fresh start. To re-invent ourselves. And I just can't get over the thought that I'll be there someday.

blah blah blah. lol.. it did sound better in my head. Ah well. Anyways,



I was trying to eat healthy today. I guess lol. Not healthy amount, but still healthy foods! So I wake up at 1. I was home alone so I went outside to tan for a bit.. I'm sick of people thinking I have cancer because I'm so pale and plus, I think I look a tad better with some color! ANYWAYS, I come inside after 40 minutes, chug a bottle of water because I was hot and measure out a cup of strawberries and eat. Nom. So I'm standing around, getting ready to go on my run, and I get the urge to throw up. So I did. Twice. (Just to be clear, it was involuntary, I didn't make myself sick.) So now I'm freaking out. Is this a sign to not eat? I don't know how many calories I threw up, I don't know how many are still in me, what the hell do I do? Can I run? I surely don't want to be sick again, and throwing up strawberries, yuck, the texture made me want to die. But I don't want to be sick again and my stomach is still a little sick feeling. But I want to run and run and run. I think I'll wait until later. But I have plans later, I'll cancel them, I think. I hate going out. Okay I'm done lol.

Sorry this was super long and boooorrraaaaaaaang.

I want to fly far away

"I want to fly far away, to never never land where I’m not ashamed, where it’s OK to eat all sorts of things, not a humiliating dirty thing to do. I’d be beautiful and free and there’d be no scales, no mirrors. Never-be-hungry-land, never-be-judged land, never-be-Mom land, always-be-me land. Second star to the right and straight on till morning—is that how you get there? Oh, how lovely to fly! Think lovely thoughts!"








Idk, I just love that quote. It inspires me. And makes me sad, because, where the hell is that place? And why 
can't I seem to ever get there?


My mother asked me if I was eating today, because apparently I "look so thin"- I swear I don't. It was the shorts I was wearing.. they are my sisters and they are really long and kind of tight to my skin. I just gave her a "get out of my life" look and she walked away. Funny how quickly they stop caring.




My dad keeps deleting his messages in his phone. Oddly enough, that makes me more upset than reading them.. at least then I know what he's up to. I watch The View (don't laugh lol) and Sherri Shepherd said that her parents stayed together for "the kids.".. that her dad stayed "for them." I'd rather they not stay together. It kills   me whenever I see them together. 


Anway- I'll stop being depressing. It's always a long day when I'm alone, even though it's how I like to spend my days, how I wish I could spend all my days.

a-l-c-o-h-o-l.

So tomorrow (today, really) is my best friends birthday. We're getting stir fry for it with a big group, then breaking off and drinking at my friends sisters house.
I think I'll ask a friend to split a bowl of stir fry with me, that way she can eat it and I can pick around, unnoticed. As always.

I'm never worried about drinking alcohol, worried about the calories, I mean. I ALWAYS weigh less the next day after drinking, from dehydration, I'm sure, but it makes me feel better for a swift second, nonetheless. I always get so drunk, so that I for sure throw up. I'm disgusting and horrible for doing that, but I feel like I have to- okay, maybe I am worried about the calories.

I kept my fortune cookie fortune today.. well, it was my friends cookie, but she got 2 so she let me open her first one.. Anyways, it nearly made me cry. It says, "Be as willing to take advice as to give it."
That's so me. The fortune gods were calling me, lol. I always give advice, I feel like, I love giving advice and helping people. And whenever someone gives me advice, I feel unworthy of it, to horrible of a person to actually take it and apply it to my life.
I think once I get past that, I can think about getting healthy. Yeah right.

Oh, I was thinking how thin my hair is today. It's really gross, so ugly. I should always keep it curly now, because at least that makes it look fuller. I wore it straight today and I wanted to die. So gross.

So cliche and stupid, but I feel like I'm in a black hole and will never be able to get out.

-Lilly, now I'm addicted to Bon Iver, bitch. ;) lol jk, he's amazing! So calming, seriously, I'm in love.

shout outs woo hoo.

Today was alright. Woke up, ran a 5k, got salad with my mother, went to the beach with some friends at night. We went to the city beach to sit on the docks, it was so nice outside.. then we went to Evanston and walked around downtown there.. I got a dress to wear for my friends birthday Friday night.. Planning on getting so wasted. We're going to take her to eat at a stir fry place, gah. I'll "eat" before.

Not really feeling anything today, just kinda numb, but whatever.
-I hate that my fingers/hands shake. It's so embarrassing. Whatever.

I'm pretty fucking exhausted, and even though I'm with my friends a lot lately, I feel so alone.. they don't know me and neither does my family. I love my PT family.



Lassie- Your comments to me are always so sweet and make me feel a million times better. I'm really glad we started blogging since we never really talked on PT. I can't wait until you go back! (If you do decide to go back, that is.

Lilyzara- You are seriously such an inspiration to me. I hope to recover one day and whenever I think it's impossible, I think of you and how great you are doing with recovery. It's so nice to see you back on PT and I hope you stay if you find it's good for you, but then I want you to leave if it's getting in the way of you getting better. I hope you know you can always talk to me about anything you have on your mind.

Nancy- I love you guuurl. You know everything that I'd say to you. You're like my sister from another mister and you are seriously like, the best friend I've ever had. Talking to you always makes me feel like I don't have an eating disorder.. you make me feel like I'm totally normal and I love that about you. We are totally meeting up one day.

-there are so many more people from PT who have impacted me, but sadly, they don't have blogs lmao.. but you know who you guys are.

between a rock and a hard place.

got mah naiiiilz did today. ;) I haven't bitten them in 2 or 3 weeks so this was my reward, $50 french manicure and it's SO purdy!! The lady who did my nails said I looked like I was a sophomore in high school LOL I was like, okay bitch look.. try sophomore in COLLEGE. Bahah. she was sweet though... she got a very generous tip haha.

Breaking bad habits one step at a time.... What should I conquer next? LOL... hmmm i wonder.


Anyways, I feel like shit. Idky, just feel sickly today. =/ I laid in the sun so that's probably why.. my head all hurts and so does my stomach. Blahhh. OH but I actually looked semi-decent today.. It was because of the sun.. I got a tad burned on my face.. so now instead of a weird greyish tint to my face, it's red. It's a nice change. My friends mom at the party said I looked good. She was probably being nice, but it was sweet.. made me want to get more sunburn lol.




"One day, Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. 'Which road do I take?' she asked. 'Where do you want to go?' was his response. 'I don't know,' Alice answered. 'Then,' said the cat, 'it doesn't matter."


I love this quote. Because it makes me think. A lot. Some days I want to get better. Most days I don't think I'm worth it, worth anything, useless. And I know that's true. But some days I'm sick of being different. Which direction should I go in? I don't know... so, it doesn't matter, right?

between a rock and a hard place.




OH. On PT the other day, there was a post in the anti-boredom area that asked us to name a thing you don't like about yourself and name a thing you do like about yourself. I wrote a list of about 5 bad things and stopped. Stared at the computer for a few minutes trying to think about something I like about myself.. does anyone feel that way? They can't pick anything good about themselves? And don't say anything good about me, I'm not fishing for compliments. It just really upset me. It makes me feel that I'm horrible. And now I know it's true. I'm nothing good. I give nothing good to anyone. I can do nothing well. I'm useless. Plain and simple.
I'm just having a really hard time right now, sorry for being so annoying.

who are you?

How did my phone volume get on high? Ghosts, I have decided.. I find myself staring into space a lot.. I don't know why I think that's weird.. I'll be watching TV, but not watching, just staring, zoning out. Ha, idk?

OH I found an error in an episode of FRIENDS lol.. I have no life, so, I'm pretty excited about it.. in "The one with all the haste..." you can see a piece of camera equipment in the shot and then they move it out right away, looks like one of those big lights or something, idk.

I'm not great at putting things into words, really. But I've alway been a girl who had a best friend, ya know? I've always had someone there for me, but not one of them knows a sliver of the things about me that Nancy does.. and in Abby words, that's saying a lot.. I don't open up to people easily because I'm not comfortable with them enough to do it or don't trust them enough, but Nancy, you know more about me than every one of my best friends has ever know, even more than my family knows about me, and I hope you realize how much that (and you) mean to me. You make me feel so much better about everything that I tell you about and I honestly don't know how I managed to keep everything bottled up before you. I'm so glad I found PT because I've met so many frickin awesome people there. I really hope you see how great and beautiful you really are one day and start taking care of yourself better (aka. get rid of your bulimia lol) You've been doing SO fucking great with it and that makes me happier than anything else.. I'm so proud of you.

Ah vivo told me a recipe for cheese sticks that I'm dying to try.. I bought some cheese sticks but forgot the cereal. =/ Whoopsies.

I have nothing to do tonight. It's so muggy out I just want to wash away my skin because I'm freezing but like, steamy? lmao it's so weird idk.

Anyone hear that Elliot Stabler is leaving Law and Order: SVU?! My life is officially over. lol.

My friends birthday party is tomorrow. I ate oatmeal today, but won't eat tomorrow, at least not till late.. they're having her favorite, Thai food, at the party.. goodness knows how many calories/fat is in that shit.. I'll have to go shopping for a card or something with a friend tomorrow before we go to her house.. also getting my nails done with a friend to celebrate that I haven't bitten my nails in about 2 weeks. :) Yay me.. I usually like painting my nails myself, but I've been dying for a french manicure ever since I stopped biting lol.. I wonder where all my nervous energy is being channeled to?.. maybe that is why I stare into space. Probably not. Idk.

My heart hurt yesterday. It was kinda scary but it went away after a few minutes. It was weird. Idk, hasn't happened since, which I suppose is a good sign.

Someone asked the question "Who are you" today on PT and I've been thinking ever since.. sure, I can say that I play piano and like being cozy and shit, but who really am I? Idk.. any takers? lol jk.

food.

Today was a weird ass day.. just putting that out there.
Got out of bed at 1, took a shower, got dressed.
My friends came over, we baked cookies and got my sister from school.

I felt like crying all damn day. Idky but every little thing made me upset. Whatever. Plus it was frickin cold out all day. Wtf, May?

I didn't eat all day because I knew I'd have to have a cookie.
With butter and sugar and flour and cinnamon and vanilla. Fuck snickerdoodles. 
So I did. I ate 1 cookie. My friends each had 3. It's like, 6 o'clock at this point.
In the car to my friends house, my one friend says, "Are you hungry?"  Me, "Eh, not really, no."
Her, "So are you like anorexic again or something." Me, (in a joking voice) "Oh yeah, haven't you noticed?"
And then she laughed and I changed the subject.
This bitch was the one who basically told my whole high school about my ed in some rumor.
(which was true, but stfu bitch).

I wanted to slap her.

Then we went to my other friends house.. since they've been with me since 2 pm, they hadn't eaten all day.. and them being normal humans, wanted to eat. Fuck that. So her mom made us ravioli. Big ones, I guess. I ate 5. One friend had 9, the other had 13..  yeah I counted, idky I did that..
But the friend who had 13 is the friend who called me anorexic and she kept fucking staring around the big pot of ravioli at my food to see how much I had eaten.. I called her out on it too, which I thought was funny because normally I wouldn't do that.. but I was like, "Wtf stop watching my food you weirdo." And my other friend laughed.. and the friend I said that too was like, "I was just moving in my chair, gosh."
YEAH RIGHT!

thisiswhyidonteataroundpeople.especiallyher.
Now I feel like a fat elephant. Literally. I'm going to bed with all that shit in my stomach.
I can't work out now. When I got home my parents were still awake so I went straight to my room.
I hate today.
Not eating tomorrow.

Felt like fainting today, but i didn't.
Didn't have to eat today, so I didn't.. oh I had oatmeal.
LIES LIES LIES.
I'm so stupid. My boss saw me today at work today and gave me a hug.
Idk why, well I guess I do know why, but it was random.. but it felt nice for someone to care.
I wanted another hug. No one ever hugs me. Idky. Maybe I'm unhugable? lol is that a word?


I went to my friends house after work with another friend. We watched 16 and Pregnant.. when it came on, it was the girl with anorexia. My friend was like "Yay an anorexic!" I was like "...*silence*...."
Lol but Nanny always makes me feel better so I texted her and we joked about it. "God anorectics are so annoying." lmao DAMNIT ABBY! Bahaha. okay okay inside joke.
Apparently my friends and I are baking tomorrow. I actually like baking, I guess.
I think we are making banana bread and snickerdoodles? No fucking clue when snickerdoodles are.. but I'll find out.. lol

Anyways, I got a migraine at her house and wanted to just die.. If anyone gets them you know what I mean.. basically all through 16 and Pregnant my head wanted to explode and my friends ate popcorn.

I guess nothing happened today. I was home alone all day. The usual.



Here's to the girls on their boards with bruises and scars.
Here's to anyone who never quit when things got hard.

green leaves.

really don't have anything to say.. I just wanted to thank you, lillyzara, for you comment on my autism post. that gives me a lot to think about and you were extremely helpful. thank you so much.

i do some of the things you described, but not all of them. for one, I am horrible at math lol.
but again, thank you.

tired.

exhausted.
all the time.
i never want to do anything, go anywhere, see anyone.
but i do.
my whole body hurts today.
and pt was exhausting today.
so much drama, it's getting annoying.

also, turns out i'm not going to florida with my friends.
i'm elated.

and i thought I was gonna get a D on my report card in astronomy, because i never go to class.
i got a B.
I got 3 B's and an A.
not great for me, usually I get mostly A's.
but idgaf. i'm happy for that B.





i'm nothing special.

autism.

So I don't have it, I'm positive, like, I think I would have been diagnosed by now, if I had.
I was visiting my friend this weekend, in Indiana, and I'll admit, I'm a pretty fucking random person.
I hate awkward silence, or any silence, and so I just ramble and talk.
Well I said something like, "Wow, all birds seem to only fly in only pairs here." And my friend was like, "lol okay.."
And then I said something stupid about talking dogs and if they would tackle me or kiss me if they escaped their fence.
And she says, "The things you say- it's like you have autism."

I was like hm... I laughed, because she meant it as a joke.. not that autism is funny... but whatever.
But it got me thinking.. that I think differently than other people.. I keep thinking how I think differently.
Maybe I see things differently, the world? Idk.. but she put that stupid idea in my head.
That I am different.And it makes me upset.
And it's all I can think about.
I don't want to be different.

I fucking think weird.


-Birds in Indiana fly in pairs.
-The round-about sign looks like a sun.
-What are dogs thinking?
-Can you feel clouds if you get high enough?

bye bye, PT.

I won't be able to get on PT until probably Wednesday.
I'm going to visit one of my friends from IU.

dramatic.

Those posts about "what did you eat today" made me feel bad today.
Idk why. I usually don't give a shit.
It was like, 'what did you have for breafkast?" and I was thinking, well, nothing.
I'm just in a touchy mood. Annoyed at the world, lol.
Don't know why this made me upset. But now I just want to lay in bed forever.

ew.

Also, my dog peed in the house today.
I normally wouldn't mention that, lol, but I stepped in it.
Fml. Now my foot smells like pee.
And I have to write a 1 page paper.
Not complaining about the paper, just about my smelly, pee-foot.

Must go wash it now.

wow.

an eating disorder is not a diet.
good? good.
cool.

halloween, mf.

Today was annoying, I think.
We watched one of my favorite movies in my history class though, Casablanca.
Didn't go to my first class.
Came home and painted my nails and talked to my dad.
Went to work for 2 and a half hours. It was horribly slow.
I'm almost done with my book, Elsewhere.
It's so good. Only 170 pages left. And it's sadly a short, quick read.
But so sosososo so good.

I can't remember if I ate today or not.
I think not.
20 days until I go to Florida.

OHMYGOD.
The scariest thing happened to me today, lmao. I told NANNY (on PT) about it lol.
I was in my room, on my break from work, doing my hair or something stupid. And all of a sudden I hear the theme song from the Halloween movies start playing. I was like HOLY SHIT!! SOME MOTHERFUCKER PLANTED A TAPE PLAYER IN MY ROOM TO MAKE IT 10 TIMES MORE SCARIER WHEN THEY KILL ME! I was like, literally shaking so much lol and I thought my heart was going to beat away. I couldn't move, I just stood in my room, thinking about how I'm going to die in my stupid room, doing my stupid hair, by some guy who is impersonating Mike Myers.

Turns out it was my mom downstairs, calling her phone, which was in her purse in my room (because I was borrowing it). Her ringtone is the song from Halloween. Holy shit. I haven't been that scared in a while. Like, I can't explain it lol I felt so stupid lmao.

Thank you, Greys Anatomy.... lol

lmao, sorry mom.

off topic... anyone watch Lady GaGa's concert at MSG?
I only did because I don't have actual shows I watch on when I'm on PT or facebook lol becaues I can't read shit and watch TV at the same time.. so I had her show on in the background.. and I was thoroughly bored... she ripped a barbie's head off.. she lip sang... no one was cheering really.. unless they just tuned it out. idk i'm babbling. Plus.. no one has actual yellow hair.. wtf.

I guess she sang one song while playing the piano.. she messed up a few times.. being a pianst myself (lol) I noticed.. but uh, she did good on it. I like that song. weee.

and wtf was that when she tried playing piano and guitar with her feet... it didn't workout well and looked completely stupid.

Ugh I feel like a bitch for ruining her creativity. But, whatever. I gave one good comment, yeah?

I've decided her fans at the concert were screaming lol and they just toned them out for our TV-viewing pleasure.

Awkward for me. She just said she doesn't lip sync.
idk why I keep updating this. Who the hell cares.
She actually sings quite well.

it takes a village.

My mind feels very put together today. Yes. No. I want this. Not that. I feel very on edge, though. I know I have to get things done. Finalize my school work. Try and focus. One week left. Done done done. I don't have much school work to do, so yay. Just a test Monday, and I can't focus enough to think anymore. But I have 3 tests next week. They'll be easy. And one paper do. I already did it. Then summer.


This is gonna sound weird. Like, I'm a TV addict lol, but my TIVO is absolutely full and it makes me insanely nervous. Like I need to watch everything. Now. I'm watching 90210 now. I wish my life was a fake character in a television show. On the show they just took their friend to a mental ward. I wish I could live there. Get some peace and quite. Just for a little while. No, I'd miss my bed. My life. My food. Everything. But I'd like to get the chance to sleep. All day.


Went out to eat for my friends birthday today. I worked today. Didn't eat today until we went to eat at 8. We got stir fry.. I had some rice and chicken with teriyaki sauce. I'd say 300 calories. Did i spell that right? Oh well. It was pretty fucking good but it took a lot to eat. My friend stared at me the whole time which made me madder than hell. I told her to stop watching me and went to the bathroom to ease the tension. It worked fine. I ate. She ate. It was good.


I also have to go out to eat for my dad's birthday tomorrow. My whole family will be there so I can't exactly bring my salad dressing to pour on the salad I'll get. They'd notice and start some shit. I hate my family sometimes. I just wish nobody cared what anybody else did, ya know? Good. So, I'll go to work again tomorrow.. get up, not eat, go to work, not eat, come home, not eat, go out to eat. Eat. I'll have to eat. Something. It's one day. One meal. Okay okay. I knew this was coming for a few weeks, so I'm not freaked out. I planned around it. I'm fine.

Also,  I work all day Sunday. 11-9. Not eating Sunday.

My hands are dry. I need lotion.
Peace out girl scout.

pink socks.

Treated myself to a 10 calorie lemonade and 3 ice cubes today. yay me... How pathetic. it was that shit you put in your water. I drank it in a lovely pink cup with a white straw and yellow stripes. Fancy. ;) lol jk. Well compared to the water bottles I generally drink out of, that pink cup was somethin special.

That reminds me. We have this mug, it's a pig mug. Like, it's shaped like a pig and you drink out of where it's brains should be. Weird, right? I tried to google it, but the one mug shaped like a pig I found was really ugly lol and ours is pretty cute if I can say so. I don't know why I said this.. hm.

I also had 2 cream savers today. The strawberry kind. Nomnomnom. And of course my salad. I feel like death today. It's just a bad day. I ditched my first class and of course on my way out of my second class I saw the teacher of my first class. Awkward. And I got all frazzled when I saw her so I went down 2 stair levels instead of one and got myself lost. I pretended like I knew where I was going and managed to walk out the wrong door, so I had to walk an extra 10 minutes around the damn school to the parking lot lol I felt so stupid.. I am stupid, so that makes sense.

This is weird.. when I type, my brain is a word behind reading but my fingers are a word ahead.. get it? I think I'm crazy. Hah. Crazy.

I saw Jason Derulo last night at my best(?) friends college. It was fun. We went out to eat after. They got cheese burgers. I had a cup of ice cream before I left for her college... do I need to say I didn't get a burger? No, I didn't get a burger. And that place we went to was freezing. Btw, Jason Derulo may not be hot but he has an awesome body. Okay okay.

I'm freezing. This damn lemonade makes me cold.. yeah.. it's the lemonade Abby.. weee. I just watched the Social Network. It was really good. Ended too soon, I think. I wasn't expecting the ending when it came.

I have to do my English assignment now.. we are analyzing advertisements. I did a Justin Bieber nail polish ad,  one of those 'Got Milk?' ads, and an Orajel ad.. lol. I just have to merge some paragraphs apparently and add some more words.

ad. add. add. ad. ad ad add.

my mind is all fuzzy. I want to lay in bed all day and never get up. Never feel pain again.

I was thinking this morning when I woke up.. woke up? Yeah, layed in bed, whatever, when I woke up, about what will happen after I die. Creepy I know. I'm weird. Freak. Loser. Okay. But like, I don't want to be buried. That's like, a big fear of mine. To be buried alive. And I know I'll be dead and all, but I feel like I'd come back alive in that coffin, 6 feet under, and not be able to breathe or scream or move or see. And that'll be it. And then I don't want to be cremated.. because.. how scary would it be to burn in a big oven? How does that even work? My grandfather was cremated, but, I didn't ask questions. Also, I hate water. Like, I'm deathly afraid of the big oceans and boats and the lake. (I go in, but not on a boat and not more than 10 feet out) so I couldn't do the thing that they do with our soldiers and apparently Osama, tie you down with rocks and you sink to the bottom of the ocean.

So is there an option 4? What can I do to my body? What can they do to it?

Don't let them do anything.

lmao shit.

Okay it's not big secret I like to drink with my friends and party. My parents found my water bottle full of vodka in my room today lol. They were all like, "Why is there alcohol in your closet?? You sitting in your room and drinking alone is really unsettling." lmao I thought that was hilarious. I do not, by any means, sit in my room by myself and drink. I am not an alcoholic. I told them I obviously bring it out and use it with my friends. They understood lol. My parents are pretty chill... well at least my dad is. He completely understands which is good. I mean I'm 19 so it's not a big surprise that I drink, but whatever. I'm not in trouble or anything, I just had to dump it out, which is bogus because it was 30 bucks lol. Oh well I'll always get more.

But my mom also found my diet pills. Oops. Well, actually they aren't really even diet pills. it's diurex, which I sincerely use when I used to get my period for bloating.. it works like magic.. it's just a water pill.. so I convinced them of that too. But my dad just left the house so I ran up to my room and threw away all my diet books that I hoard (lol) and my actual diet pills and anything bad that I wrote in my journals is all in the trash. I feel so anxious but glad it's all gone. I mean, I they know about my ed, I'm sure of it.. but now I don't know that they do...  My mother always makes stupid ass comments whenever I eat and my dad isn't home enough to notice anything, so idk.. maybe they don't know. It's not like we have family meals anymore.

Gonna be awkward probably today and tomorrow lol especially when my mother gets home. That should be.. interesting. Apparently she saw the "water bottle" last week but didn't say anything. Weird. They weren't snooping, btw. My mom was getting her summer clothes out of my closet and saw it and then my dad was shaving the doors on my closet down because they get stuck in my rug. Hahhaha, oh, life.

I'm just rambling. But, funny day, I guess.. In my screw up head, I think it's all funny.

can post secret read minds?...

possibilities

Is it possible for your feet to die?
To work long hours on 56 calories a day and not pass out?
To drink too much water?
For your face to shrink when you apply a face mask?
To be annoyed with someone who isn't even home?
To like someone even though you don't know them?
To fear something that you know is inevitable?



Apparently they are all possible.

i hate myself.
all the time.

reading.

Reading is such an escape.. getting lost in others lives.. I've always loved reading since I was a kid.. I'd spend hours in my room going through books like I was afraid they were going to vanish before I finished them.
I almost forget everything when I read. Everything is great.

Today I had school, I only went to one class, it was boring.. then I went shopping with my friend while my parents ate dinner. I'm horribly tired.. watched the Hawks game.. they lost.. mother @#$%^&*. So, they're out of everything.. Oh well. Can't say I care much, but it was fun when they won the Stanley Cup last year, the city went crazy.

I can't remember what else I did.. Weee.

gah

happy easter.. right? I was meant to sit at the kids table.. because I'm not good enough for the adult table.. Okay.... but then after a few minutes they let me sit at the adult table, "We were just kidding dear.".... Alright... Easter was a mess.  I ate some fruit salad and some corn. It was pretty good, I love strawberries and grapes and apples.. and I'm obsessed with corn. "Aren't you going to eat?"... Yeah... blahblahblah. I hate family get-togethers. No, I like them, some.. seeing them all.. playing with my younger cousins, but they are not shy about anything. They call you out on your BS, which I hate to my very sole.. soul?... soul. lol.

Personal business is personal business.

I'm always so sleepy. Weee. Ditching my first class tomorrow because my second class was canceled, so why "wake up" early for my first. So I'll stay home and workout weee. Until I have work at 245-545. 3 hours is so great lol. I love work. I'm always moving and my co-workers are sweet.

I want something, but, I'm not quite sure what. Tomorrow? I think I want tomorrow. No I want sleep. And to take my pills (not in a suicidal way).. I just like my morning vitamins and diet pills and iron tablets and.. shit there is one more but I forgot.. ah well.. I love taking them out of their perfect bottles and setting them on my dresser all nicely placed according to size.. now If I could just get my hand back on some sleeping pills..

WEEE that is what I want. Figured it out. I was watching New Adventures of Old Christine with my friend yesterday and Christine got sleeping pills. I was so jealous I wanted to die lol I was jonesing so hard core.

Sleep shouldn't be something that one misses. Seriously. Everyone needs sleep. like, yeah. I just want to fucking sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Please? bahahahuhauhf I'm going psycho. Okay bye.

OH WAIT! I've noticed that I'm starting to type like people from England lolol. I say 'lovely' all the time, and "bloody hell!' lmao. They're so funny. I also just watched Harry Potter so I think that might be why.. Bloody hell you are lovely! ;)

yuck.

I feel so sick. That is all. lol. My parents are asleep so I have no one to tell.. as if I'd tell them.. but still.

So I effed up on my healthy plan. Oh well. I was way to anxious in the morning about eating all that food, so I wound up eating nothing all day until dinner. I really felt like shit for not following through on my plan and a lovely dear on pt helped me through it and I ended up eating a slice of pizza. A whole slice. And it was delicious. Then I felt like crap, but whatever. I ate it, right? And I didn't take lax or diet pills right after. I just let it sit. Today is different, however.. I'm taking lax tonight. But idc. I ate the slice of pizza. Mini accomplishment.. one step at a time.

Anyone watch American Idol? Anyways, Scotty Mccreery is so cute. Like, adorable.
Yum.

holy $%^&*;

Decided I'm gonna try and eat way more calories tomorrow. Idky. I just want to attempt it. See if I can, ya know? I'm gonna eat 660 calories. Sure not really healthy still, but I usually eat 0-300. So, double. I know it's gonna be really hard. And writing it all out scares the shit out of me. But here's what I'm gonna try to eat.

Breakfast: 1 banana, vanilla yogurt. - 185 calories.
Lunch: Chicken salad. - 155 calories.
Dinner: 2 Clementines and dinosaur oatmeal. - 270 calories.
Snack: 1/2 cup grapes. -50 calories.

I think that's 660, right? lol.

I'm getting very nervous thinking about it. Well, writing about it.. it makes me want to vomit I'm so nervous. But I don't have to do it if I don't want to. But I want to try. I really do. Do I? Shit. ^&*()&^&*(*@^*($*(@&$.. Idk. Shit is so hard. I can barely sit up at school.. or focus.. or remember what the hell we did 5 minutes after class is over. I want to die when I'm working out.. I have no energy and I'm depressed all the time. I want to try. 660. Nice number. Maybe I'll add a pickle.. that way it'll be 665. and I love 5's. lol.

I hate this.


edit: idk, can i edit these? lol. well i changed it to 600 calories. i like that number better. maybe i'll still keep the pickle and make it 605 lol. i'm such a freak. i took out one clementine and these baco things on my salad. i love bacos but i haven't had them in years and idk that i'm ready to eat them yet. okay i'm rambling.

edit edit: idk. this is stupid. that banana scares me. bananas scare me. they are too long. too much. so many bites. so many pieces. even if i cut them up, there will be a ton of food. of banana. maybe i'll have the yogurt only. maybe i'll forget about this whole thing tomorrow (today?) when i wake up..

oy vey.

"Interesting history paper topics."

Is what I googled. Our professor lets us write about literally anything.. my first paper was on a few of Shakespeares plays.. and then my second paper was on Black Holes lol. He actually quite liked it. I figured I'd do him a favor and actually write about something history related this time. I was thinking about writing about the Freemasons.. they're an interesting group. But my head is pounding.

Maybe I should eat. No, I'm going to Starbucks later to write and I was planning on getting a drink. It's actually a weird headache.. like.. one side of my head hurts and my eyes are all tired and idk it's just weird.. I just want to sleep. Cold medicine it is tonight. Hopefully I'll sleep.

I'm watching Sex and the City 2. I saw it in theaters.. wasn't worth the 10 bucks.. but it's fine watching at home. The girls are packing to go back to New York.. home sweet home. I love that feeling.. when you're away from home and getting ready to return home. Sure home isn't always great, but it's comfortable.

Just figured it out. I got new headbands yesterday from Charlotte Russe and it hurts my head lol.
Beauty is pain. Too bad I have no beauty.

I'm just rambling... stalling.. I don't want to do my paper. 5 boring pages. It'll take an hour.. but.. an hour too long. I want a bunny for Easter. We'll see if I get one. I'm gonna sound like a spoiled little bitch, but, I usually always get what I want.. probably because I don't ask for much, but still. I did sound like a spoiled bitch. Certainly not little, but, oh well.

I want summer. I want to do nothing all day. I don't want to do homework. I want to sleep. And not eat. All day.

309.

I feel like shit because I ate 309 calories. Mind you, I already worked out 1,000 calories on my treadmill and bike. Threehundredandnine calories. Seriously? Why can't I be normal. 309 calories is like, one meal. I want to die because of 309 calories. I won't eat tomorrow or maybe Friday.

On a happy note, Anyone hear about that baby who got served a Margarita at AppleBees.. in a sippy cup?? lmao. Kid blew a 1.0.... wasted.... Made me laugh.

sleepy

I was planning on ditching my first class today  (I only have 2 on Mondays and Wednesdays..) because I couldn't sleep last night.. what's new? But my lovely father woke me up just in time to get ready and leave. It was fine.. my sociology class.. we just watched a movie so I zoned out the whole period. My next was a renaissance class that I love. The professor is super easy going and he's super understanding and I can draw while he lectures. I haven't really been able to eat in a few days, but I wanted to work out when I got home.. so I did. No one was home, so I plan to work out again tonight. Maybe I'll sleep tonight. I'm watching Friends, and Joey is going to a sleep clinic, lol. I have astronomy homework to do, and a rough draft of an English paper to write.. should take 30 minutes. Go! (maybe after Friends is over).

This week has been awful. I found out the person I trust and love the most isn't who I thought he was. I can't even look at him. I hate being home.. and I hate being anywhere else, really. It's not fair that I know this.. and he doesn't know that I know.. nobody knows that I know.. and I just feel horrible. I've been hibernating in my room mostly or on the treadmill in my basement. I hate waking up and having to lie again.. act normal. Thank God for work, getting me out of the house. I feel so sick over what I found out, I ate way less than normal this week.. not doing good, atm. Just want to stay in bed forever. So exhausted, but I won't sleep.

i hate my mother.

i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother.

i want a new family.
i know things about my parents that i shouldn't.
i hate them. i hate myself.
my friendships are just me giving.
i'm no one. no one would care if i vanished.