People
say that it is hard to be on the outside looking in, but I believe the opposite
is true: Being on the inside and looking out, is what is hard. In my head, I’m
normal. This is just me, and why no
one can understand why I have to do things my way (eat this first, not that,)
is a bewilderment. Knowing what is going on inside my head and not being able
to transfer my thoughts on to other people, is one of the most frustrating
things in my life.
In
retrospect, I would rather notice than to be noticed. I notice and observe the
most infinitesimal details about each person I meet or talk to, and I, for
whatever reason, hold onto that information forever. The way someone tilts
their head while talking, the coffee stains on their work shirts, the manner in
which they word their sentences, all of those combined, and much more, equals
the person that has been in the making their whole lives; it is simply what
makes them, them. I could not tell
you why I notice these things, but after a few minutes talking to a given
person, I feel like I know them, like
I know what they are thinking, like I can see into their souls. For that
reason, I feel for most people. I feel what it is like to be them and if I
sense anything bad, I believe that it is within my power to make those feelings
stop, and if not, take on those feelings as my own. My shoulders often ache
from the amount of weight that I am carrying, but I would rather it be me than
them; I am strong, impenetrable, and immortal. I can handle it. I am not sure
if it is a hazard of the trade in which I aspire to work in, but in a way, I
believe it should be comforting for people to know that someone is always
watching out for them; I have their backs, in a sense, and I honestly care for
each person that I meet. I almost hate that I am this observant, annoyingly so,
that I can tell, with the slightest change in the wind, how someone’s mood has
shifted and deteriorated. Because I know how intently I watch people, I wonder why, and if, anyone is watching me? And if
so, why has no one jumped in to save me from myself?
