Food is not the enemy
your eating disorder is.


Haven't been around lately, mostly because my computer hasn't been working and I've been out of town. I've been doing really well, really been happy for a while now. My eating has been great, my thoughts haven't been so dark.. I've been okay!

A lot has happened! I got a new job, I quit my old job, my old job wanted me back, I went on vacation, and school starts next week.. Statistics, chemistry, biology, and psychology. Death semester.

If your ED tells you you’re doing something wrong, you’re probably doing something right.

re-reading old blogs.

It's funny how when you re-read old blog posts that you write, you are immediately taken back to those same feelings you were having the day you were writing them. I was re-reading my "emotional roller coaster" post and things have changed since then.. I did drop out of my chemistry class. It was so stressful and I hated life and yeah. I went to class on a Wednesday, took a quiz, got a 30%, left class and cried all the way to the train, called my mom crying to tell her I was dropping it, and it was fine. I still have my Foods class, only 1 day a week so it's fine.

I feel like I'm never content. I'm either depressed and restricting or depressed and binging and purging. There is never a happy medium. There was when I started praying again, and I want to start doing that again. I keep getting lost off that path and straying away from it.. I was sincerely happy, what, in May?.. 2 months ago I was at peace with God, doing my thing, and it didn't take long before I fell and started b/p again, then healthy eating again, then restricting again.

THE DAMN FUCKING CYCLE..... First Binge.... then binge and purge.... then eat healthy and exercise and feel like I'm doing well!... then I start to get obsessive and start restricting and over exercising.... then again, BINGE. and it re-fucking-peats.


On a random note, I've been getting awful headaches everyday. It sucks. The end.

I WANT TO RUN, DAMNIT.

It's so hard not to run today and give myself a day off. I keep getting up to change into my workout clothes but then I keep convincing myself to sit back down.
It's the little wins that matter. :)

emotional roller coaster.

WHEW dog today was... weird.
Woke up at 7:30 exhausted, but wide awake, if that makes sense. I couldn't fall back to sleep although I desperately wanted to. I ate some grapes, strawberries, and watermelon and started to feel like shit. I drank coffee and 2 bottles of water (I went to an amusement park the day before and hadn't drank anything so I was pretty dehydrated) and still felt like shit. The only thing I ate yesterday was half of my sister's cheeseburger, which tasted like absolute garbage.
I ditched school this morning. I was too tired to go. I took a shower at 9 and felt more awake/better so I popped two 10mg ritalin  and tried studying.
Then I felt like shit. I studied for maybe 2 hours before I had to go lay down. I was nauseous the whole time and, pooping like crazy... lol. I think it was the weird burger.
The ritalin doesn't last very long on me, or even have that strong of an effect like adderall or vyvanse does, so by the time I felt better, an hour or so later, I no longer wanted to, or had the motivation, to study... so I didn't, although I have a shit ton of work to get done.
So I cried.
I wanted to drop out of school so badly. Or just take a break. I'm so tired, SO tired and my parents can't tell or can't see it because I'm good at hiding it.. but I just want a few moments to myself, to be completely selfish and not work or go to school. But if I take a break from school that adds another year to my graduation date, which I had already added 2 years to when I added nutrition as a major...  I have 3 more years left of school... and that will make 6 years of college. Fuck, that's a long time... I can't add another year to that.
I want to quit my job, too, but I love the people I work with (most of the time), and it's hard for me to actually follow through with quitting, although deep down it's what I've wanted to do for months. It's also nice to have money coming in...

I just don't know what to do. I know what I want but I'm too afraid to give it to myself.

Then, surprisingly, after feeling like shit and crying all day, I felt better around 5 and watched America's Next Top Model and stupid shows.


I JUST WANT MY HEAD TO FUCKING QUIET, FOR 2 GODDAMN MINUTES, PLEASE.

hatemylife

worked out for 3 hours today

oops.

vom.com

Spent the last few days binging and purging like a mother fucker. Woe is my life.
-__-



I don't want to hate myself anymore.

PT

PT is one of the things that keeps me sane. It keeps me grounded. It is honestly so comforting to know people in the same/similar situation that I am in. There are people there who would never judge me. They understand completely. They get it. Things they say are things that I think. I love it.

But PT is also triggering. It's the perfectionist qualities in me.. the competitiveness.. I read some of the posts of people who are super thin or have super "sick" thoughts, thoughts I have had in the past, and it's completely disgusting, but a part of me CRAVES to be like that again.. to eat nothing all day again.. to live on liquids just because I can, and to be different for it. It's so fucking comfortable, being sick, it's what I know how to do. It's easy and I'm good at it.

How fucked up is that?

A part of me wants to leave PT, but another part of me, a bigger part of me, wants to stay on it so I could  be understood. It's like a family.. but it makes me get worse, and worse thoughts. I wanted recovery just a few days ago... now I don't.

I don't know what to do. I know what I should do. But I don't know what I want to do,

not into it anymore

Not into recovery anymore. Over it. I can't.
Can't do it.
Don't deserve it.
Sweet.

just kidding I want recovery..

Just kidding, I don't.

Wait, I do.
no.
yes.


My mind can't sleep.

trying

I'm trying so hard to fix this by myself.
Fruit-loading isn't so scary for me, because they're low cal and mostly water.
But the thoughts are still there and it's pissing me off.
I still add all my calories and I still freak the fuck out when I tally them and they pass 500.
It makes me crazy (but it's comforting!!) that I already know the calories in everything I eat and add them up.

I ate 1,135 today..

Breakfast (11:30am): 1/2 apple, 1/2 cup grapes, 1/2 bagel, 1 tbs cream cheese: 270 calories.
Lunch (4:00pm): 2 slices whole wheat bread, 3 slices turkey, oikos yogurt, 1 banana: 500 calories.
Dinner (7:30pm): 4 strawberries, 1/2 cup grapes, fiber one bar: 215 calories.
Snack (9:00pm): goldfish: 150 calories.


My face is also breaking out from all the damn fruit I've been eating, lol.
I'm still working out every day, too. I can't seem to stop the impulse.
I'm also still losing weight, not gaining, which somehow makes this seem all pointless to me... I don't want to gain wait, but idk... I can't explain it..

I also went to Walmart last night for makeup and on an impulse bought diurex, the kind with no caffeine. I used to go through like 15-20 of those pills a day lol.. I only took 2 today.

I need to just stop.

2 posts; 1 day.

I'm feeling super overwhelmed today.. with food/negative thoughts. I posted my intake and since then it's been on my mind.. all that food.. it's all inside me you know? Just sitting there.. I feel like a fat fuck, but I'm trying to make myself feel happy and positive about it.... I weighed myself and I didn't gain anything but I still FEEL full and feel like I did. Idk what to do.
I can't.

normal-human eating day!

Saw the "WHAT DID YOU EAT TODAY!?" post on PT and was actual proud of putting my answer down. Not because it was super low in calories, but because of the opposite. I actually ate 2 normal sized, healthy meals and deviated from some of my safe foods.

Proud of myself!

Breakfast (11:30) : 1/2 bagel, 1 tbs cream cheese, 1/2 cup strawberries, 1/2 cup grapes, 1 cup coffee: 220 calories

Lunch (4:30): 2 slices whole wheat bread, 3 pieces turkey, oikos yogurt, 1 banana: 515 calories (GASP!)

Dinner (8:00): raspberry/blue berry smoothie.. store bought: 120 calories.

Total: 855 calories!

I know 855 calories isn't so normal-human or whatever, but still. Those are giant meals for me. 515 calories in one meal??? FUCK YEAH! I ate breakfast after I woke up and after I got ready for school.. School is from 1-4 (I have to leave my house at 11:30 to get there on time) but we finished early so I ate when I got home. It's just past 8 now, and I wasn't feeling hungry but I drank 8oz of this pre-made smoothie anyway.

happy. scared.

I really wish I could explain this good feeling I have! I think I feel happiness. I really do! I feel filled with God and peace and hope for my future. It feels great. I'm scared it won't last!


Since I started college, my ED has gone through cycles... I used to just restrict, and only restrict. But after college something changed, and my ED changed with it.. I would restrict for months, binge/purge for months (although I haven't purged for a long time!), then eat super healthy as an attempt to get out of the b/p cycle, and then eating healthy would become obsessive and I start restricting again... back down the rabbit hole.

I was binging like a boss (with very little purging) from probably October-December, restricting from January-February, then like, restricting very very badly-lost 15 pounds from March-May. And then I jumped to trying to eat a normal-healthy amount, instead of falling into a binging cycle. Technically my "healthy" eating isn't healthy, it's still 700-800 calories, but I'm trying, like I REALLY am trying. I deleted my weight loss app on my phone and I'm trying to weigh myself only twice a day. I still work out every day but I'm trying to let myself have a break. I still eat only my safe foods, and I'm going to definitely need help to get out of this, but I feel like I can get through it. I've never been so sure and focused on wanting recovery before. It sounds so corny, but I think that it was reconnecting with my faith has really played a part. I know I've said it before, but it's really the only change in my life that I've made, I can't see what else is pulling me to recovery.. it must be God.


I'm just scared this feeling is going to go away. And I'm scared I won't get help in time, and that I'll be back to restricting, and not wanting help, and miserable.. But I so so so want recovery and I want to be happy and feel like this everyday. Because loving yourself is what we're supposed to do.. because if you don't love yourself, who the hell is going to love you?

recovery

I'm very, very excited about recovery. It feels so good to be able to look forward to something positive. I feel happier, I really, really do, by just talking about getting healthy and being happy. I start summer school the 20th and after a week or so I'm going to talk to a therapist at my school and see what my options are. I'm really ready for this. I know I am. :)


I've wanted a tattoo for a few years now and I think it's going to be my present to myself if I actually go through recovery. I want a cross on my ribs.

=X

like, ready to vomit.
=X

Recovery/God/Sick

I haven't really told people this, well only one person but whatever. I've been thinking about recovery lately and the thoughts started when I started reading/studying the Bible again (that's the part I didn't tell people), and the feeling to recover has only gotten stronger as I continue to read and practice my faith each day. I've never been one to push my faith down people's throats, I hate when people do that, so I'm open to the suggestion that this correlation could be in my head, it definitely could be. But even so, does that matter? I literally feel happier. I feel like my life has done a complete 180 since devoting my life to God again. I honestly feel weird saying that, because I was one of those people who loved my relationship with God, but never really "felt" that power of God inside me... but I really, really feel like I can feel it! And now I understand why people "push it down people's throats." Because it feels amazing! I bet I sound like a loony tune/Crazy Christian, but I can't explain it any other way than that. I feel good, at least positive.

Maybe it's because school is basically over, this semester really frickin sucked for me, I was the most depressed I've ever been. Maybe it's the change of weather, 70+ degrees can put anyone in a good mood. Maybe this is just a manic-type phase and I'll crash again. But maybe it's not. Time will tell.

It scares me a bit how much this change in me has made me feel like I want recovery, but A LOT of me feels like I must not be that sick because of this complete turn around, ya know? The negative thoughts are still all there and my urge to over-exercise is still there, and I still do, but my behaviors have improved a lot, not healthy yet, still technically a starvation, but working on it and trying to add more healthy food and calories.... I feel like if I saw a therapist they would laugh at me and tell me I'm fine. After 7 years of suffering, I crack open the Bible again and suddenly I'm healed?? I must never have been sick! But I know that's just the ED-talking and that I do need help to change my unhealthy thoughts/actions.

But I really can't get over how genuinely happy and full of hope I feel. I feel happiness all inside me and I'm almost scared of it because I've never felt this for as long as I can remember. I think I'm going to for sure call the therapist when summer school starts. If this feel lasts, I like it and I want it.

Suffering happens

Jer 17:17

The path of the Christian is not always bright with sunshine; he has his seasons of darkness and of storm. True, it is written in God's Word, "Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace;" and it is a great truth, that religion is calculated to give a man happiness below as well as bliss above; but experience tells us that if the course of the just be "As the shining light that shineth more and more unto the perfect day," yet sometimes that light is eclipsed. At certain periods clouds cover the believer's sun, and he walks in darkness and sees no light. There are many who have rejoiced in the presence of God for a season; they have basked in the sunshine in the earlier stages of their Christian career; they have walked along the "green pastures" by the side of the "still waters," but suddenly they find the glorious sky is clouded; instead of the Land of Goshen they have to tread the sandy desert; in the place of sweet waters, they find troubled streams, bitter to their taste, and they say, "Surely, if I were a child of God, this would not happen." Oh! say not so, thou who art walking in darkness. The best of God's saints must drink the wormwood; the dearest of his children must bear the cross. No Christian has enjoyed perpetual prosperity; no believer can always keep his harp from the willows. Perhaps the Lord allotted you at first a smooth and unclouded path, because you were weak and timid. He tempered the wind to the shorn lamb, but now that you are stronger in the spiritual life, you must enter upon the riper and rougher experience of God's full-grown children. We need winds and tempests to exercise our faith, to tear off the rotten bough of self-dependence, and to root us more firmly in Christ. The day of evil reveals to us the value of our glorious hope.

fuck you school.

I just made a post on this on PT but I still have thoughts in my head and didn't want to go all ranty on PT because no one reads that shit.


I hate school. I literally hate it with everything in my body. Chemistry takes up so much of my time, and statistics, and neuroscience, and even stupid Spanish and English. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I sit on my ass doing homework for 8 hours a day, 3 days a week. And the other 2 days I'm doing homework for at least 4 hours. Not joking. I can't do it anymore, seriously, I can't. I never want to go to sleep Sunday nights because I know I'll have to wake up and it will be the start of a whole new week of fucking hell.

Getting straight A's this semester has been killing me. My eating has been worse than ever and I've been a lot more depressed obviously. I really hate school. I used to love it. I loved studying and learning and showing teachers that I know their material. But now it's too fucking much.

One week and it's over and I get a week break before summer school. For 4 weeks I have speech class 4 days a week for 3 hours. That won't be that bad. But then after 4 weeks, I'm taking two 8-week courses, chemistry and a nutrition class from 9-5, 4 days a week. I don't know if I can do this?


Okay rant over. One week. One week. One week.

robert frost

Saw a PT profile with some lines from this poem and I liked it.

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep. 

no title, bitch.

Wilting slowly.
what more do you want from me
falling
so
slowly

Breaking down
can I give anymore
of myself
to
you

Needing you
to stop me
before
I
Break

Wanting to see
if I'm worth
all
you
have.

xxx

Do you ever feel
already buried deep?
6 feet under
scream
but no one seems to hear a thing?

happy st patricks day

I really don't feel anything. Just numb.
Lost 8 pounds last week. Hardy har har.
One more week of school until Spring Break.
Hell yes.

Reading some T.S. Elliot for class..

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

feeling positive today.. who am i?? hah

I'm not sure why.
Maybe it's the adderall talking.
But I'm in a good mood, good ish.

“The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.”- Diane Von Furtenburg

Shouldn't it be a good one?

lol

A on my Spanish test. I SWEAR the professor loves me. And I'm not complaining with grades like these. He's so easy, he doesn't follow university rules for grading, which I like, because I literally had to kick my ass for an A in 103 last semester.. My teacher was hard but I loved her, she was great. This time, he's super sweet but not an amazing teacher, but a great guy so I won't say anything bad about him.

A on my neuroscience test. I don't know if I said that before. All I have is school, lol, so... that's all I can update "you" on.. although these blog posts are really only for me to read and to get some thoughts out of my head.


I have my second chemistry test Monday. I know the material when I look up how to do it, it just won't stick, which scares me because I need to know it. Thank god we get a flashcard.

And I have a statistics test Tuesday. Even more scared for that. Shit just started to "click" for me on Thursday and Friday in class and the tests are open book, but if I can't look up things FAST and know which equations to use, things can go poorly. So I'm working on that and Chemistry today. Woo hoo.

WEEEEEEEHOOO

sooooooooooooo does anyone else do homework and study for 6+ hours a day or is it just me?


I squeeze my pen really tight apparently when I write and I think I damaged a nerve or something, or just irritated it. It hurts and stings when I try to write. Death.

neuroscience, whadd up.

Got a B on my chemistry test. Wish I could say I was pleased with that. I know the material well enough where I should have gotten an A, so I'm disappointed.



Time to kick some neuroscience ass in retaliation.




"The more you deny your feelings, the stronger they become."

study break quote time.

"On and on you will hike, and I know you'll hike far,
and face up to your problems, whatever they are."
-Dr Suess.





I feel inflated like a balloon..

Got an A on my Spanish test. -__-


"So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that
Life is a great balancing act."

down down down

I'm so scared I'm going to fail my Spanish test tomorrow that I threw up.
I'm in level 4 and the test is covering shit I learned when I was in 4th grade.. present, preterit, and impterfect, but for some reason nothing is sticking.
And my quiz grade rocked my confidence.
And I can't do it anymore.
And I'm trying to prepare myself for failing.

I can't do this

"my sole priority is the upkeep of my disease."

just wanna write.

Got into the honors college.
Got invited to join a national honors society.
God so much shit ta do, just want to sleep.

It's so weird to think I have 3 years of school left... I'm so so tired.
Next year I'll have my psych degree and then I apply to the nutrition program at my school.
Only 35 people get in so.... Slim pickins..
Then if I get in, I have 2 years to complete that program.. then I'll hopefully be a licensed nutritionist.
Funny the way it is.... -__-
If I don't get in I have no idea what I'd do... I suppose I'll find out at the end of this year.
=X

First day of school.

Okay. Fuck. Lol.

Woke up at 6 to get to school by 9.
12 degrees outside. Hey, Chicago winter.
Had to walk 20 minutes in the cold to get my train pass.
Then, what do you know? the line is to the door and I don't have time to get it before my next class.
Walk 10 minutes to different, and thankfully closer, building.
Class ends and I hike again to get my train card.
Whew.

I was literally cold all day. Not like, normal cold, like, fucking tundra cold.
The classrooms were freezing and the 2 buildings that my classes are in are 15 minute walks between each other.

My face hurts, it's so raw with windburn.. I just wanna stick my face in a tub of lotion.
I got home and made some hot coffee then took a 2 hour nap.

Still have a headache.
But my classes so far seem pretty easy.

I hate hate hate the cold.
Love living in the city but common. Warm up, bitch.
#Cantwaittomovetoflorida.

update? I guess.

do you know what it's like
to be tortured by your own mind?
---

So my semester ended with 3 A's and 2 B's.. I'm an idiot and I had been miscalculating my grade, so when I thought I was going to die if I didn't get an A on one of my finals, I was wrong. I only needed an 84% to get a B in the class and a 94% to get an A in the class. I ended up with a 98% on the final and an A in that class. Just sucks I wasted a whole semester worrying I was going to get a D. lol.

I ended the semester with a 3.7 GPA and an invitation to apply for the honors college. I ended up getting accepted. I have 6 classes this semester. And that's that.

School is the only thing in my life that I'm really good at, and it's really the only positive thing I ever have to write about, so, there ya have it.
---

I've been on break since December 14 and I start school again tomorrow, major drag. Also, if you know me, you know I LOVE award shows/season. And of course I was scheduled to work 6-11 pm tonight so I'll miss Golden Globes. Thank god for DVR, but it's not the same as watching it live.

The only reason I'm excited about school starting is because it gives me a real excuse to use the addy/concerta/vivance I've accumulated over break. Hello studying!
---

I also turned 21 over break. Big woop, I've been drinking since I was 14. But it was kind of exciting to actually be able to buy my own alcohol for a change, and it's been absolutely lovely being able to drink wine all the time.

When you feel my heat,
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide.

poems in action

It breaks you into tiny pieces,
you are at war with yourself

Truly not alone inside this head,
inside my mind is a scrambled blend
of all of me that wants to break out
and stand strong without a doubt
of who I am and who I should be,
it would be great if I liked being me.



I wish wish wish I could be one of those girls who was happy.

I'm not hungry but I feel so empty. I hate this void and at least feel some type of  fullness makes me feel better. But after a binge is a purge and I'm not doing that anymore.