happy. scared.

I really wish I could explain this good feeling I have! I think I feel happiness. I really do! I feel filled with God and peace and hope for my future. It feels great. I'm scared it won't last!


Since I started college, my ED has gone through cycles... I used to just restrict, and only restrict. But after college something changed, and my ED changed with it.. I would restrict for months, binge/purge for months (although I haven't purged for a long time!), then eat super healthy as an attempt to get out of the b/p cycle, and then eating healthy would become obsessive and I start restricting again... back down the rabbit hole.

I was binging like a boss (with very little purging) from probably October-December, restricting from January-February, then like, restricting very very badly-lost 15 pounds from March-May. And then I jumped to trying to eat a normal-healthy amount, instead of falling into a binging cycle. Technically my "healthy" eating isn't healthy, it's still 700-800 calories, but I'm trying, like I REALLY am trying. I deleted my weight loss app on my phone and I'm trying to weigh myself only twice a day. I still work out every day but I'm trying to let myself have a break. I still eat only my safe foods, and I'm going to definitely need help to get out of this, but I feel like I can get through it. I've never been so sure and focused on wanting recovery before. It sounds so corny, but I think that it was reconnecting with my faith has really played a part. I know I've said it before, but it's really the only change in my life that I've made, I can't see what else is pulling me to recovery.. it must be God.


I'm just scared this feeling is going to go away. And I'm scared I won't get help in time, and that I'll be back to restricting, and not wanting help, and miserable.. But I so so so want recovery and I want to be happy and feel like this everyday. Because loving yourself is what we're supposed to do.. because if you don't love yourself, who the hell is going to love you?