I haven't really told people this, well only one person but whatever. I've been thinking about recovery lately and the thoughts started when I started reading/studying the Bible again (that's the part I didn't tell people), and the feeling to recover has only gotten stronger as I continue to read and practice my faith each day. I've never been one to push my faith down people's throats, I hate when people do that, so I'm open to the suggestion that this correlation could be in my head, it definitely could be. But even so, does that matter? I literally feel happier. I feel like my life has done a complete 180 since devoting my life to God again. I honestly feel weird saying that, because I was one of those people who loved my relationship with God, but never really "felt" that power of God inside me... but I really, really feel like I can feel it! And now I understand why people "push it down people's throats." Because it feels amazing! I bet I sound like a loony tune/Crazy Christian, but I can't explain it any other way than that. I feel good, at least positive.
Maybe it's because school is basically over, this semester really frickin sucked for me, I was the most depressed I've ever been. Maybe it's the change of weather, 70+ degrees can put anyone in a good mood. Maybe this is just a manic-type phase and I'll crash again. But maybe it's not. Time will tell.
It scares me a bit how much this change in me has made me feel like I want recovery, but A LOT of me feels like I must not be that sick because of this complete turn around, ya know? The negative thoughts are still all there and my urge to over-exercise is still there, and I still do, but my behaviors have improved a lot, not healthy yet, still technically a starvation, but working on it and trying to add more healthy food and calories.... I feel like if I saw a therapist they would laugh at me and tell me I'm fine. After 7 years of suffering, I crack open the Bible again and suddenly I'm healed?? I must never have been sick! But I know that's just the ED-talking and that I do need help to change my unhealthy thoughts/actions.
But I really can't get over how genuinely happy and full of hope I feel. I feel happiness all inside me and I'm almost scared of it because I've never felt this for as long as I can remember. I think I'm going to for sure call the therapist when summer school starts. If this feel lasts, I like it and I want it.
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