trying

I'm trying so hard to fix this by myself.
Fruit-loading isn't so scary for me, because they're low cal and mostly water.
But the thoughts are still there and it's pissing me off.
I still add all my calories and I still freak the fuck out when I tally them and they pass 500.
It makes me crazy (but it's comforting!!) that I already know the calories in everything I eat and add them up.

I ate 1,135 today..

Breakfast (11:30am): 1/2 apple, 1/2 cup grapes, 1/2 bagel, 1 tbs cream cheese: 270 calories.
Lunch (4:00pm): 2 slices whole wheat bread, 3 slices turkey, oikos yogurt, 1 banana: 500 calories.
Dinner (7:30pm): 4 strawberries, 1/2 cup grapes, fiber one bar: 215 calories.
Snack (9:00pm): goldfish: 150 calories.


My face is also breaking out from all the damn fruit I've been eating, lol.
I'm still working out every day, too. I can't seem to stop the impulse.
I'm also still losing weight, not gaining, which somehow makes this seem all pointless to me... I don't want to gain wait, but idk... I can't explain it..

I also went to Walmart last night for makeup and on an impulse bought diurex, the kind with no caffeine. I used to go through like 15-20 of those pills a day lol.. I only took 2 today.

I need to just stop.