I can't do this

"my sole priority is the upkeep of my disease."

just wanna write.

Got into the honors college.
Got invited to join a national honors society.
God so much shit ta do, just want to sleep.

It's so weird to think I have 3 years of school left... I'm so so tired.
Next year I'll have my psych degree and then I apply to the nutrition program at my school.
Only 35 people get in so.... Slim pickins..
Then if I get in, I have 2 years to complete that program.. then I'll hopefully be a licensed nutritionist.
Funny the way it is.... -__-
If I don't get in I have no idea what I'd do... I suppose I'll find out at the end of this year.
=X

First day of school.

Okay. Fuck. Lol.

Woke up at 6 to get to school by 9.
12 degrees outside. Hey, Chicago winter.
Had to walk 20 minutes in the cold to get my train pass.
Then, what do you know? the line is to the door and I don't have time to get it before my next class.
Walk 10 minutes to different, and thankfully closer, building.
Class ends and I hike again to get my train card.
Whew.

I was literally cold all day. Not like, normal cold, like, fucking tundra cold.
The classrooms were freezing and the 2 buildings that my classes are in are 15 minute walks between each other.

My face hurts, it's so raw with windburn.. I just wanna stick my face in a tub of lotion.
I got home and made some hot coffee then took a 2 hour nap.

Still have a headache.
But my classes so far seem pretty easy.

I hate hate hate the cold.
Love living in the city but common. Warm up, bitch.
#Cantwaittomovetoflorida.

update? I guess.

do you know what it's like
to be tortured by your own mind?
---

So my semester ended with 3 A's and 2 B's.. I'm an idiot and I had been miscalculating my grade, so when I thought I was going to die if I didn't get an A on one of my finals, I was wrong. I only needed an 84% to get a B in the class and a 94% to get an A in the class. I ended up with a 98% on the final and an A in that class. Just sucks I wasted a whole semester worrying I was going to get a D. lol.

I ended the semester with a 3.7 GPA and an invitation to apply for the honors college. I ended up getting accepted. I have 6 classes this semester. And that's that.

School is the only thing in my life that I'm really good at, and it's really the only positive thing I ever have to write about, so, there ya have it.
---

I've been on break since December 14 and I start school again tomorrow, major drag. Also, if you know me, you know I LOVE award shows/season. And of course I was scheduled to work 6-11 pm tonight so I'll miss Golden Globes. Thank god for DVR, but it's not the same as watching it live.

The only reason I'm excited about school starting is because it gives me a real excuse to use the addy/concerta/vivance I've accumulated over break. Hello studying!
---

I also turned 21 over break. Big woop, I've been drinking since I was 14. But it was kind of exciting to actually be able to buy my own alcohol for a change, and it's been absolutely lovely being able to drink wine all the time.

When you feel my heat,
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide.

poems in action

It breaks you into tiny pieces,
you are at war with yourself

Truly not alone inside this head,
inside my mind is a scrambled blend
of all of me that wants to break out
and stand strong without a doubt
of who I am and who I should be,
it would be great if I liked being me.



I wish wish wish I could be one of those girls who was happy.

I'm not hungry but I feel so empty. I hate this void and at least feel some type of  fullness makes me feel better. But after a binge is a purge and I'm not doing that anymore.