?

I never honestly wished myself dead until last night. It was such a strong feeling. I wanted to die.

Was?

Wanted?


I still feel... dark.. black.. cloudy? smokey... idk.. It's something I can't describe, I can't place an emotion on it.. empty?


But I'm here.

I suck.

I cut myself for the first time in months yesterday night... actually.. it was more like a scratch.. I took some scissors and just wanted to make the pain physical and not emotional, but I stopped, so it's not bad.. I don't think it will even scar.

I feel like shit, but then again, I don't.. I knew I wasn't gonna calm down unless I did it and I stopped before I made it worse, so in a twisted way, I'm proud of myself... weird?

I realize my head may be twisted..

near death.

Idk, I almost died today.. near death experiences, woo.

So I just got off work and my boss and I ran straight to our cars because it started to pour on us. I was driving out of the parking lot was stopped at a red light- the wind was so bad my car was shaking, the trees were half-bent over, and the truck next to me was shaking, making me nervous. So I called up my dad and asked if there was a tornado warning- he said yes and to drive over to my friends house. (She lives about 3-4 blocks away from my work, closer than my house is). (I also later found out that the winds were 100 mph). So I got stopped by a train on my way to my friends. There was one car in front of me, and quite a few more behind. We couldn't see out our car windows  it was raining so hard. The train goes by and all of a sudden the electricity box (power box?, idk the proper name) explodes right in front of my car, made a huge BANG and BUZZ/ZAP noise, the car in front of me slammed on their breaks (as they were just staring to go because the train passed) and all the cars just sort of sat in shock for a few minutes.

So I start crying, as I guess I could have been electrocuted and died. I called my friend in tears, I was shaking so bad and even though the train lights were out, I sped across the tracks, not caring if another train was headed my way, I just wanted to get inside.

Idk, I'm still shaken up about it.. my uncle called to see if I was okay, he's a psychologist lol, I feel kind of like he thinks I went crazy because of it, but I'm alright now. I got sick when I got home because I was so nervous, but getting it out makes me feel better. I managed to drive home but not without some anxiety.. I think I'll be fine in my car tomorrow, but I likely will be anxious when I have to go to work and back for my next shift.

Hope everyone is doing well.

stupidfatbitch

So I've been sick and my 2 best friends came over to visit me today. They brought me a bagel and a frozen hot chocolate from Dunkin Donuts. An 'everything' bagel with WADS of chive cream cheese.

They kept complaining I wasn't eating the bagel.. hell no I couldn't TOUCH that bagel..smelling it made me nervous. 500 calories, I've googled.. 430 for the drink. It's probably more with the cream cheese.. I kept telling them my throat hurt and they said fine save the bagel and drink the frozen hot chocolate! They said it would help my throat. I knew it would help my throat. I knew it would make me want to die after. I drank about 1/4 of it.
I am not okay.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
nothing.
I suppose.
I'll be fine.
I'm a fat bitch. But I'll be fine.
It made me want to cut so badly.
But I didn't. And I'm not proud of myself like I should be.
I still want to cut but I'm not going to.
I'm going to bed I think.
I still want to cut. I deserve to. Drinking this fucking sugary mess.
Sugar is filling my intestines. Chocolate. fat. fat. fatfatafatafatfatfat.

Some lovely people of PT kept me occupied for a bit.
They don't know really how much they helped me.

I really want to cut.
I'm still typing, just so I won't. I'm so anxious I'm shaking. I need to do something but I can't think of anything but that damn drink. Drink. Drunk. Drank.

life, FTW!

I was babysitting my 2 cousins Saturday night and started feeling like death. I was shivering and I actually felt like dying. I drove home and I'm surprised I didn't die, because I was almost passed out, but I came home and just slept. Sunday I went to the hospital and had a strep test done. Positive. So I laid on the couch all day and napped in my parents bed. Then today I woke up with horrible pain in my right ear and I couldn't walk right or stand without feeling sick, so my parents took me back to the doctors. They said nothing about my ears really but I have some weird contagious virus and the flu, on-top of the strep throat. So basically I feel amazing.. lol not.

So it was my right ear that it was hard to hear out of and hurt, but now it's my left. And my left is way worse than my right was. It's all plugged and it's hard to hear out of it and it's uncomfortable and it hurts.

I had my first day of summer classes today, but I obviously couldn't go. And I had to call in sick to work again today, which sucks because I love my job, but they were really good about it, so that was a load off my shoulders. I always worry about shit like that but it worked out fine. Damn my ear hurts. Complain complain complain.

No one has been making me eat these past few days, not that they make me eat anyways, so I don't know why I said that, but whatever. I'm not hungry anyways, probably from all the delicious mucus I've been swallowing. YUM. Lol sorry, that was gross. ;)

We're watching my cousins dog and the thing doesn't eat. It's kinda annoying! Lol I'm like EAT COSMO!!! But nooooo. Oh well.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NANCY!

nanny, FTW!

You went 30 days without purging.
You are amazing.
You inspire me.
Idk what I'd do without you.
You're so strong to make it 30 days.
I can't wait until it's 30 more.
If anyone can do it- it's you.

I was thiiiiinkin

last night. About how I would explain an eating disorder to someone else.. like, I was thinking of an analogy.. and this is what I came up with.. I think it sounds better in my head than it does on here lol.


Having an eating disorder is like having a song stuck in your head. It's like having a song stuck in your head for years. And it's the same song, over and over again. The melody and rhythm are different from person to person, but the lyrics are generally the same. "You're fat, you're ugly, you can't eat that, you only burned 800 calories today, you deserve this." And the problem with this song is that it is stuck on repeat. The 'PLAY' button is jammed. There is no stop button. No pause button or fast forward button. No re-wind button to go back to before this all started. But there are ways to fix it, and I think there are two options to do that. Option number one is to destroy it. Break it, smash it and burn the pieces. Death. This might be the easier of the two, a route that seems much more comfortable to take: the easy way out. The second option is to open your mind and carefully take out everything  and put it back the right way. Tighten the screws and untangle the wires. It will take a while; Rome wasn't built in a day, but it's possible. After taking the journey down the second path, you begin to see hope. A life. Family, friends, a job. Everything looks and feels brighter. The lyrics have finally changed and the melody is happy and upbeat. "You're free, you are beautiful, you deserve the best, people care about you, you have a wonderful new beginning." And I think, that's what everybody wants, right? A fresh start. To re-invent ourselves. And I just can't get over the thought that I'll be there someday.

blah blah blah. lol.. it did sound better in my head. Ah well. Anyways,



I was trying to eat healthy today. I guess lol. Not healthy amount, but still healthy foods! So I wake up at 1. I was home alone so I went outside to tan for a bit.. I'm sick of people thinking I have cancer because I'm so pale and plus, I think I look a tad better with some color! ANYWAYS, I come inside after 40 minutes, chug a bottle of water because I was hot and measure out a cup of strawberries and eat. Nom. So I'm standing around, getting ready to go on my run, and I get the urge to throw up. So I did. Twice. (Just to be clear, it was involuntary, I didn't make myself sick.) So now I'm freaking out. Is this a sign to not eat? I don't know how many calories I threw up, I don't know how many are still in me, what the hell do I do? Can I run? I surely don't want to be sick again, and throwing up strawberries, yuck, the texture made me want to die. But I don't want to be sick again and my stomach is still a little sick feeling. But I want to run and run and run. I think I'll wait until later. But I have plans later, I'll cancel them, I think. I hate going out. Okay I'm done lol.

Sorry this was super long and boooorrraaaaaaaang.

I want to fly far away

"I want to fly far away, to never never land where I’m not ashamed, where it’s OK to eat all sorts of things, not a humiliating dirty thing to do. I’d be beautiful and free and there’d be no scales, no mirrors. Never-be-hungry-land, never-be-judged land, never-be-Mom land, always-be-me land. Second star to the right and straight on till morning—is that how you get there? Oh, how lovely to fly! Think lovely thoughts!"








Idk, I just love that quote. It inspires me. And makes me sad, because, where the hell is that place? And why 
can't I seem to ever get there?


My mother asked me if I was eating today, because apparently I "look so thin"- I swear I don't. It was the shorts I was wearing.. they are my sisters and they are really long and kind of tight to my skin. I just gave her a "get out of my life" look and she walked away. Funny how quickly they stop caring.




My dad keeps deleting his messages in his phone. Oddly enough, that makes me more upset than reading them.. at least then I know what he's up to. I watch The View (don't laugh lol) and Sherri Shepherd said that her parents stayed together for "the kids.".. that her dad stayed "for them." I'd rather they not stay together. It kills   me whenever I see them together. 


Anway- I'll stop being depressing. It's always a long day when I'm alone, even though it's how I like to spend my days, how I wish I could spend all my days.

a-l-c-o-h-o-l.

So tomorrow (today, really) is my best friends birthday. We're getting stir fry for it with a big group, then breaking off and drinking at my friends sisters house.
I think I'll ask a friend to split a bowl of stir fry with me, that way she can eat it and I can pick around, unnoticed. As always.

I'm never worried about drinking alcohol, worried about the calories, I mean. I ALWAYS weigh less the next day after drinking, from dehydration, I'm sure, but it makes me feel better for a swift second, nonetheless. I always get so drunk, so that I for sure throw up. I'm disgusting and horrible for doing that, but I feel like I have to- okay, maybe I am worried about the calories.

I kept my fortune cookie fortune today.. well, it was my friends cookie, but she got 2 so she let me open her first one.. Anyways, it nearly made me cry. It says, "Be as willing to take advice as to give it."
That's so me. The fortune gods were calling me, lol. I always give advice, I feel like, I love giving advice and helping people. And whenever someone gives me advice, I feel unworthy of it, to horrible of a person to actually take it and apply it to my life.
I think once I get past that, I can think about getting healthy. Yeah right.

Oh, I was thinking how thin my hair is today. It's really gross, so ugly. I should always keep it curly now, because at least that makes it look fuller. I wore it straight today and I wanted to die. So gross.

So cliche and stupid, but I feel like I'm in a black hole and will never be able to get out.

-Lilly, now I'm addicted to Bon Iver, bitch. ;) lol jk, he's amazing! So calming, seriously, I'm in love.

shout outs woo hoo.

Today was alright. Woke up, ran a 5k, got salad with my mother, went to the beach with some friends at night. We went to the city beach to sit on the docks, it was so nice outside.. then we went to Evanston and walked around downtown there.. I got a dress to wear for my friends birthday Friday night.. Planning on getting so wasted. We're going to take her to eat at a stir fry place, gah. I'll "eat" before.

Not really feeling anything today, just kinda numb, but whatever.
-I hate that my fingers/hands shake. It's so embarrassing. Whatever.

I'm pretty fucking exhausted, and even though I'm with my friends a lot lately, I feel so alone.. they don't know me and neither does my family. I love my PT family.



Lassie- Your comments to me are always so sweet and make me feel a million times better. I'm really glad we started blogging since we never really talked on PT. I can't wait until you go back! (If you do decide to go back, that is.

Lilyzara- You are seriously such an inspiration to me. I hope to recover one day and whenever I think it's impossible, I think of you and how great you are doing with recovery. It's so nice to see you back on PT and I hope you stay if you find it's good for you, but then I want you to leave if it's getting in the way of you getting better. I hope you know you can always talk to me about anything you have on your mind.

Nancy- I love you guuurl. You know everything that I'd say to you. You're like my sister from another mister and you are seriously like, the best friend I've ever had. Talking to you always makes me feel like I don't have an eating disorder.. you make me feel like I'm totally normal and I love that about you. We are totally meeting up one day.

-there are so many more people from PT who have impacted me, but sadly, they don't have blogs lmao.. but you know who you guys are.