I was thiiiiinkin

last night. About how I would explain an eating disorder to someone else.. like, I was thinking of an analogy.. and this is what I came up with.. I think it sounds better in my head than it does on here lol.


Having an eating disorder is like having a song stuck in your head. It's like having a song stuck in your head for years. And it's the same song, over and over again. The melody and rhythm are different from person to person, but the lyrics are generally the same. "You're fat, you're ugly, you can't eat that, you only burned 800 calories today, you deserve this." And the problem with this song is that it is stuck on repeat. The 'PLAY' button is jammed. There is no stop button. No pause button or fast forward button. No re-wind button to go back to before this all started. But there are ways to fix it, and I think there are two options to do that. Option number one is to destroy it. Break it, smash it and burn the pieces. Death. This might be the easier of the two, a route that seems much more comfortable to take: the easy way out. The second option is to open your mind and carefully take out everything  and put it back the right way. Tighten the screws and untangle the wires. It will take a while; Rome wasn't built in a day, but it's possible. After taking the journey down the second path, you begin to see hope. A life. Family, friends, a job. Everything looks and feels brighter. The lyrics have finally changed and the melody is happy and upbeat. "You're free, you are beautiful, you deserve the best, people care about you, you have a wonderful new beginning." And I think, that's what everybody wants, right? A fresh start. To re-invent ourselves. And I just can't get over the thought that I'll be there someday.

blah blah blah. lol.. it did sound better in my head. Ah well. Anyways,



I was trying to eat healthy today. I guess lol. Not healthy amount, but still healthy foods! So I wake up at 1. I was home alone so I went outside to tan for a bit.. I'm sick of people thinking I have cancer because I'm so pale and plus, I think I look a tad better with some color! ANYWAYS, I come inside after 40 minutes, chug a bottle of water because I was hot and measure out a cup of strawberries and eat. Nom. So I'm standing around, getting ready to go on my run, and I get the urge to throw up. So I did. Twice. (Just to be clear, it was involuntary, I didn't make myself sick.) So now I'm freaking out. Is this a sign to not eat? I don't know how many calories I threw up, I don't know how many are still in me, what the hell do I do? Can I run? I surely don't want to be sick again, and throwing up strawberries, yuck, the texture made me want to die. But I don't want to be sick again and my stomach is still a little sick feeling. But I want to run and run and run. I think I'll wait until later. But I have plans later, I'll cancel them, I think. I hate going out. Okay I'm done lol.

Sorry this was super long and boooorrraaaaaaaang.