PT

PT is one of the things that keeps me sane. It keeps me grounded. It is honestly so comforting to know people in the same/similar situation that I am in. There are people there who would never judge me. They understand completely. They get it. Things they say are things that I think. I love it.

But PT is also triggering. It's the perfectionist qualities in me.. the competitiveness.. I read some of the posts of people who are super thin or have super "sick" thoughts, thoughts I have had in the past, and it's completely disgusting, but a part of me CRAVES to be like that again.. to eat nothing all day again.. to live on liquids just because I can, and to be different for it. It's so fucking comfortable, being sick, it's what I know how to do. It's easy and I'm good at it.

How fucked up is that?

A part of me wants to leave PT, but another part of me, a bigger part of me, wants to stay on it so I could  be understood. It's like a family.. but it makes me get worse, and worse thoughts. I wanted recovery just a few days ago... now I don't.

I don't know what to do. I know what I should do. But I don't know what I want to do,