"When you have lived the life I've lived, when you've loved and suffered, and been madly happy and desperately sad -- well, that's when you realize you'll never be able to set it all down. Maybe you'd rather die first."

:I wanted to believe, and I tried my damndest to believe in the rainbow that I tried to get over and couldn't. So what? Lots of people can't.."

 -Judy Garland

long hur don't cur.

in my stomach right now:
5 pickles, box of mac and cheese, 1 chocolate chip cookie, 1 piece of bacon.


in the toilet in 5 minutes:
5 pickles, box of mac and cheese, 1 chocolate chip cookie, 1 piece of bacon.



edit:
was that crude? sorry.
long hair don't care.
lolz.

out
of
control

caffeine bitchez.

yoyoyoyoyoyo.
literally on probably 30000 million mg of caffeine. hehehee.
plus addy.
plus no food.
plus CRAZY ASS MOFO.
studying for my psychological research test tomorrow.
if I don't get an A I'm basically going to die.
kill myself.
yeah.
If I don't get an A, or pass, I'll fail mah class.
maybe not, but I'll get a C or a mother fucking D.
so.
yah.
need an A.
I'm pretty fucking prepared.
bitchez.


thisisfuckingawesome.
thiftshop <3
DAMN THAT'S A COLD ASS HONKEYYYYYYYYYY.


wish me luck. ;)

you know you're fucked up...

... when you have a constant headache.
... when you over act your laughs or smiles so people think they are genuine and that you're happy.
... when the only time you eat is in front of your family, just so they don't worry.
... when the most important things are no longer important to you.
... when even water scares you.
... when sleeping is your only escape.
... when you can only sleep by taking sleeping meds.

shizzzzzzz.

something about winter always makes me take my not eating to the extreme. It's literally every winter like clockwork, something in my brain just snaps and makes me cut down even more.

Broke down and bought diet pills again last night, although I swore I'd never take them again.
lol. I tell people on PT not to use them, that they don't work, that they have bad side effects... but I'm taking them myself.


Anyhoo00oo0o0oooooo...

My parents are fighting upstairs.
I'm cold downstairs.

why

I want to fall in love and go to Paris.
And have a life.

But I'm so scared.
Whenever a guy looks at me and makes it clear he's interested, I back off.

Why why why why why.

weeeerk.

So emotionally exhausted. Seriously.
Hiding a bunch of work drama from my parents. I really just don't feel like explaining, it's not even a big deal to anyone but me. But sometimes it's nice to vent to them about work, because it's a slice of my life that I actually share with them.
I've been pretending to be happy for so long now, longer than I can even remember, but work was actually the one place that generally made me happy. My co-workers are/weregreat people. Not I can't trust anyone... only really 2 people, and 1 only works there a few times a month. And having to fake be happy and polite and cheery to all of them is draining.
It's only 11 pm and I'm completely wiped out.
It just makes me so upset bc I used to love going to work and now I get all anxious and upset about going in and I couldn't sleep last night because I didn't wanna go to work. The last 2 times I've been at work I've cried. And I am not the kind of person who shows that I'm upset around people.
They don't have me on the schedule tomorrow.
And I'm only working a few hours next week.
I feel like I'm being pushed out.
I just want to cry.

And none of this makes any sense to anyone but me.

lol.

On the bright side, my bingeing has basically stopped and now I'm back to restricting.

this just needs to stop.
i should be banished from the earth.

:(

I hate that people change.

There's only been 1 consistent friend in my life.

I hate that people change and you can't rely on them anymore.

I feel like I lost a piece of me.

Things are different.

I need to take lax but I'm holding off until Thursday.

I need to go to bed.

I need to study.

I just desperately want to be alone.

If I have no friends no one can hurt me.

They don't even know what they're doing.

I've been super out of control with eating.

I'm less restrictive and I'm binging almost every night..

or whenever I can get a chance, really..

I do it at night because I'm alone and I can push the wrappers or boxes to the bottom of the trash.

Or I do it when my family leaves the house for a bit.

I just need that constant stimulation or I'm a nervous wreck, thinking about it until I shove something in my mouth.

Tomorrow I'm not eating

But I've said that for four mornings...

What's happening to me?

I need control back in my life but everything is spiraling.

School controls everything I do.. whether or not I sleep, go out, watch TV, spend time with my family or 'friends'.. whether or not I can work out or prepare my meals.

School is disruptive and I can't wait until 5 weeks is over and I can go back to my routine.

I'm going crazy.

most random blog post in the history of blog posts

I feel like I need to write but I don't know what to write about.
I can feel things pent up inside but I can't tell what they are.
It's silly.
I don't think there is a feeling for what I am, or for what I feel.
So I'm just gonna write and see what comes out...
--

I feel like I was never a dreamer. I was always a realist. I mean for the most part I had a kick ass childhood.. I explored the world (basically my backyard and my street) but still I don't remember thinking about anything extraordinary or exciting. Just your typical childhood in a quiet neighborhood in the city. Shame, nothing exciting ever really happened. Or, did it? And I'm just too "grown-up" to look back on my childhood ambitions? Either way it's sad. I want to be as carefree as I was then, but I want to go back and be able to think that nothing is impossible, that I can live any way that I want to and always be happy.. I was a really happy kid up until I was 9 (even after that, but.. never mind).
--

After reading some things, I feel like everyone is suffering. That everyone thinks that their life sucks. That everyone goes to bed crying and wakes up and slaps a smile on their faces and goes about their day. Everyone has problems. Not everyone is perfect. Only a select few are happy. So why is it so hard for people to relate to one another? Why do we all try to hard to act like everything is okay, when really everything is falling apart?
--

I hate being bored and having nothing to do. It drives me nuts and makes me think. I hate sitting still and not bettering myself. Took 2 tests today and now I have nothing to do. I want my grades on those tests.
--

I had a dream last night that me and a bunch of people (6) were looking for the train stop. We accidentally took the bus into a neighborhood that we didn't know and then we wandered inside a huge department store looking for someone to help, but no one would, and those people who actually acknowledged us didn't have the answer. We finally found a woman who pointed us in the right direction, and the train stop was right outside one of the exits in the building, oddly next to some country from Disneys 'It's a Small World.' It was weird. When we got there and realized it was It's a Small World, I woke up. I never found out if we all made it home, if the train even came.

That got me thinking, I guess. There are gonna be people in life who ignore me, who see me but can't help, or don't want to help, are scared of me, and there are going to be people who will try to help me, but don't k now how. Or people who point me in the right direction, but then it's up to me to figure out how to make my way out of this mess.
--
I can read forever. Finished 5 books on the train last week and 2 so far this week. Reading always has been my escape when things got too hard.

Me he vuelto loca

This is so frustrating. My fucking brain.
I try to eat healthy, convince myself to eat more, not for me but for my family, my little sister.
To set an example, a good one, I want them all to be healthy and stop eating shit food.
I planned my food out, mostly fruits and veggies and whole grains, and it's maybe 600 calories.
And all that seems like a shit ton of food! It IS a shit ton of food!. a salad, sandwich, mini bagel, fruits up the ying yang.
But I had to add more, had to be 1,500 calories.
I did it for about a week. I physically felt better but mentally I was falling apart.
Every little comment someone made to me was an attack.. even if it was a compliment or something positive, I just wanted to crawl into my brain and hide. Crawl anywhere and disappear and to stop being noticed.

And cue a week later and I'm back to restricting. Again.
I've tried before and failed before.
Back to 577 calories today.
And I'm not hungry.

This will never go away.

2720 calories

So today I woke up.

I ate 3 chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast.. 600 calories
On the train I had 80 calorie fruit snacks.
In class I had 1/3 a medium coffee with cream and sugar from Dunkin Donuts... 120 calories.
And a Fiber One bar.. 140 calories.
Then I had a Veggie Subway Sandwich with a friend around 2.... 350 calories.
I came home and went to Noodles and Co with a friend at 5..
---Ate a small serving of the spaghetti and meatballs.... 570 calories
Then on the way home at 7 I got a kiddie meal cheeseburger and frosty from Wendys... 290 for the burger, 320 for the fries, 250.

2,720 calories today.


And I'm still not full.
And I'm planning on what else to eat.

Nothing can fill this emptiness inside.
I can not feel a single thing.

What am I?
Who am I?


I'm getting drunk tomorrow.

hopefully

Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.

sick

I was sick for about 10 days.
Nothing major... except my throat felt on fire, I had to blow my nose every 5 seconds, I couldn't sleep, my body ached, I had a migraine for 2 days.
Anyway. I don't mean to complain, but it was awful.
I lost about 5 pounds.. I could hardly eat. My face looks pretty sick.
And pale.
Wonderful.
All the color I gained from this summer is gone and I'm back to my grey-white self.
Ugly.
Self.

I can't wait until I can start running again.
I feel TONS better, even since yesterday.. Like 60% better than I did yesterday.
It went away as fast as it came on, which is good.

Anyway, I have a big research to psych test that I'm studying for.
Buh-byeeeeee.

Hard to find the words when
You've got so far to fall
Just trying to keep a secret
And never tell a sole, no no
And take another drink so
I can lose control.

help

Where would I be now if I didn't stop eating that day in high school?

Where would I be if I fought the voices?

How much time would I have spent being happy instead of depressed?

Cut 6 years later.

I'm in the same place I was then.

Stuck with the same feelings.

How come I can admit everything to myself, but nothing to anyone else?
I want to get help, I really do.

I'm ready to kick this thing in the ass.

But I can't ever picture myself talking to anyone.

I know I won't, but I'm getting close to cracking.

I know a new low is coming.

I can feel myself about to snap

crumble

collapse.

Someone will have to be there to put me back together

because

I'm not strong enough this time.




---
Sophie's family don't understand it 
Gave her all that they had 
And her sister won't stop cryin' 
'cause her father says she's dyin' 
Sophie says she's really tryin' 
Problem is, sophie's lying

your love is my DRUGS.

Some secrets are too big to tell.
---


Anyway.
Took my Spanish test.
Placed in level 3, yay.
It's perfect. I love it. I love all my classes.
But I'm so anxious.
My constant need to always please people,
to stay invisible in a group, but stand out with grades
and being
perfect
is getting to me.
I just want to feel drunk,
feel not in control
because I always
Fuck
Things
Up.

NyQuil, here I come.

school

School started.
Hate French already.
Teacher literally taught us only the ABC's and the numbers 1-10, and then I look at our homework and it's a bunch of bull shit that I swear is for people who have been taking French all their lives. lol.
I'm taking the Spanish placement test tomorrow during the time that I should be going to French.
Oh well.
I'd rather join Spanish a bit late when I know I can catch up rather than trying to learn a whole new language when I'm 20 years old.
Which, btw, is virtually impossible for me.
Because I'm literally stupid.

I love school otherwise so far, mind you, I've only had 3 classes today, lol.
Tomorrow I have 2 new ones, not counting French, which is 4 days a week, and which I will be dropping.
I'll take Spanish at 9 am if I have to.
Maybe.
lol.

Loved all my professors so far, my French one was my favorite.. Shame I'm dropping it.
I'm just so stressed out already.
But.
I didn't have to eat today.
lawlzzzzzzzzz.
Just had a banana and my coffee at school.
Bliss.

Sad that not eating makes me happy.
But I'm sad, and so is my life.
Hardy har fucking har.

Things aren't good lately.
Whatever.
I don't deserve good, anyway.

always

“Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.
"After all this time?"
"Always," said Snape.” 
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows



“Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.” 
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

getting everything off my mind... GO

-want to get a tattoo. cross with 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 on it. My favorite Bible verse.
-nervous about school.
-nervous about what to wear to school.
-nervous to make teachers like me.
-nervous everyone will think i'm a fat, uncontrollable slob.
-nervous to not get straight A's and keep my GPA up.
-nervous that I won't make friends.
-i have a headache.
-i can sleep as long as i want tomorrow.
-i need to go back to the mall tomorrow to get a skirt i love.. my grandma always tells me that if you're still in love with it a few days later, go back and buy it.

NyQuil.

Shit little thing.
Chugged some and it made me gag, tastes like minty shit.
Chased it with OJ, which made it worse, lol.
Feel like I'm gonna barf, but at least I'll be asleep soon.
Sooner than I thought, I'm feeling woozy already.
Woozy drunk.
And I like it.

I'm really starting to get pissed off that I can't see this "thin" girl other people see.
Even strangers.
"She's about as thin as you and she's 50, she runs marathons."    *dies inside as they check me out*


Where is she when I look into the mirror????
It's literally driving me insane trying to find her.



I feel awful, I want to cry.. Someone I look up to is starting to figure out how I tick- how I'm losing weight and noticing. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that this is who I am compared to this person. They actually like me as an individual, respect me, etc. And this is what I do.

Fuck me.

2 a day workouts.

I've been home sick this week and literally did not work out once because I couldn't get up because of a freaking cold. Work sucked, I sucked, I was in a fog all week. But now I'm better and I need to kick my ass back into shape because I'm positive I gained 20 pounds these past 5 days.


Anyway, going to the gym twice everyday this week. It's all worked out with my friend and everything. I'll do my typical workout at home, running and calisthenics and my bike, and then hit the gym with her "to do weights" (which is what I'll tell my parents when I leave) at night. I normally wouldn't care to lie to my parents about going to the gym because they like when I go, but my sister is home with me in the morning and she'll be like, "YOU ALREADY WORKED OUT THIS MORNING WHY ARE YOU GOING AGAIN?" So, yeah.

I feel like shit and I'm not going to embarrass myself by going to another new school fat.
I just want to vanish.
I just want to be gone.

By the way, did you lose weight? *looks you up and down*

Um, no.. no, not really. *checks self out*

Oh... *checks you out*... okay.

down down down

thestomachisonlythesizeofyourfist.

Really struggling, not like before, it's worse. I can't describe. This time, it's different. I don't care who notices, who sees...

 I just want to disappear and want people to just let me go. It will be better off for everyone.

I can barely place thoughts into words, I'm sorry.

The only thing keeping me eating before running  is that I don't want my sister to see me faint. She's the one I'm trying to protect. She's the only one home when I run. I hope she doesn't notice how little I eat.

I don't know what is different this time. Usually I have an idea of what triggered me. This time, I don't.

I haven't bit my nails in over 3 weeks.

I want coffee.

no title.

Had the urge to write, like, write a book write, about my life write. I feel wired and exhilarated. Anyway, here is what I came up with so far, only took about 5 minutes, to be honest.... Just random thoughts, I suppose. I'm going to Florida for a week, leaving tomorrow, so I won't be on....

                People say that it is hard to be on the outside looking in, but I believe the opposite is true: Being on the inside and looking out, is what is hard. In my head, I’m normal. This is just me, and why no one can understand why I have to do things my way (eat this first, not that,) is a bewilderment. Knowing what is going on inside my head and not being able to transfer my thoughts on to other people, is one of the most frustrating things in my life.

            In retrospect, I would rather notice than to be noticed. I notice and observe the most infinitesimal details about each person I meet or talk to, and I, for whatever reason, hold onto that information forever. The way someone tilts their head while talking, the coffee stains on their work shirts, the manner in which they word their sentences, all of those combined, and much more, equals the person that has been in the making their whole lives; it is simply what makes them, them. I could not tell you why I notice these things, but after a few minutes talking to a given person, I feel like I know them, like I know what they are thinking, like I can see into their souls. For that reason, I feel for most people. I feel what it is like to be them and if I sense anything bad, I believe that it is within my power to make those feelings stop, and if not, take on those feelings as my own. My shoulders often ache from the amount of weight that I am carrying, but I would rather it be me than them; I am strong, impenetrable, and immortal. I can handle it. I am not sure if it is a hazard of the trade in which I aspire to work in, but in a way, I believe it should be comforting for people to know that someone is always watching out for them; I have their backs, in a sense, and I honestly care for each person that I meet. I almost hate that I am this observant, annoyingly so, that I can tell, with the slightest change in the wind, how someone’s mood has shifted and deteriorated. Because I know how intently I watch people, I wonder why, and if, anyone is watching me? And if so, why has no one jumped in to save me from myself?

this is the last time

8 taquitos
32 oz water
4 chocolate chip cookies
16 oz chocolate milk
1 bagel with chive cream cheese
1 small coffee


all down the drain.




I'm stopping tomorrow, this was my last time purging. Fuck that noise.




dontdontdontdontondtondtondtondtondtondtondotndontodntoidhglkhdslgkjnbDSlkjgbn.

I'm so hungry but we have nothing to eat, no, I'm not hungry I just ate like a fat ass 15 minutes ago and I didn't purge it and I have no sleeping pills to take and my mind won't shut off but I want to fucking eat just something so I can feel something, feel fucking full. I'm so fat fat fat fat fat fat fat.

in my head

diet coke, sugar free candy, cigarettes.
sums up my day.

I feel crazy and stupid and alive and crazy.

daily routine

headache headache
tired
headache
tired
drop pounds
"skinny" jeans are loose
smaller
die
wasted
gone
zero headache
tired
sleepsleep
die
workworkworkwork
tired
headache
zero zero
gone
die
sleep

secrets

whycantyouseeme

I just want to sleep so so much.
Popped some pills. Just 4. Just enough for my thoughts to fade.
and disappear.
Then maybe I'll disappear.
If I'm lucky.





One of my greatest fears is to still be fat on my wedding day
Idky
Idky anyone would want to marry me
But I've never told anyone that fear before.
It's silly.

Have you ever seen 7th Heaven?
I love my family, like them a lot most days.
But I've always wanted a different one... Dreamed of a different one..
And the parents on the show seem so perfect.
Kind. Loving. Caring. Open. Emotionally supportive.
Act like they give a damn.

sleep sleep sleep.
Maybe just one more.

awkward

I don't want to go to bed.
I don't deserve a break from my head.


I didn't mean for that to rhyme......

-----------------------------------------

"...The people that smile and laugh the most are the ones who are suffering the most. Because laughter isn't only the best medicine, but it's also the best disguise."

4th of July.

Today was actually a really great day.
I was a bit nervous because my whole family was coming over for the 4th of July..
Swimming.
Food.
Talking.

But it was really, really great.
We have a party every year since we have a pool in our yard and it's always super hot.

We were in my pool basically all day with my aunts and uncles and cousins.
Didn't eat much, nothing really besides fruit. I stayed inside the house with my sister while everyone ate outside.
But no one really noticed, as usual.
lol.
And it was just a fun day.

Oh and we saw the fireworks last night.
Those are absolutely my favorite thing ever. I love the 4th of July for that reason.
I want my anniversary to be on the 4th, kiss under the fireworks....
That's such a silly and immature thing, but it's what I've always think about when I'm watching them..
TOO PERSONAL LOVELY, STOP!
Ehem.....

I was SO hot for once, usually I'm cold. I took an ice cold shower to cool me off.
I drank SO much water today but because it was 102 out and super hot in the pool and I was sweating it all out, I didn't really pee at all, besides just once in the morning.
Which is freaking me out.
lol.
Is that TMI? Oh well.


I can't remember the last time I was this tired from just being worn out from a great day.
I'm always exhausted from restricting and working and working out and purging.
But today was about relaxing and swimming and playing with my cousins and hanging out with family.
I can't wait to go to bed.

I hope tomorrow is good. I loved today.


This Saturday I'm going to a concert- SO excited. And after working this Friday and Sunday I'm off Monday-Thursday! I love summer hours.

This is such a good day. I wish I can remember this feeling. I'm in such a good mood. The worst part is waiting for something to ruin it.


=X




Happy 4th.

fuck you bitch

I'm losing everything and
everyone.

Why are you trying to hurt me?
I can take care of that myself.


So much for no more SI.



I JUST WANT TO BE FUCKING GOD DAMN HAPPY IS THAT SO FUCKING MUCH TO FUCKING ASK FOR???????????????? FUCK YOU FUCKING SERIOUSLY?? MOTHER FUCKING PIECE OF FAILURE SHIT DICK. FUCK.


I'm not cut out for this.

why can't I see it

Yesterday my best friend said I looked really thin and was wondering if I started working out too much. I told her no. She's not a serious person so whenever she is serious, I laugh. So I was laughing when she was trying to talk to me, it was really awkward. But I swear I look the same. And weigh the same since she last saw me a few days ago.. It's not like you can change that much in a few days. Anyway- I wish I could see what she sees. It's driving me crazy (lols).


And today, my dad and I were talking about our trip to Florida coming up, and the friend mentioned above is coming with. He said, "So, does your friend eat a lot?" (He probably asked this because she's got some meat on her bones, Idk, and just wondering how much money she'll have to bring for food...) And I was like,  "No, she honestly copies whatever I eat whenever I'm with her." And he says, "Oh, so she won't eat a lot."

I swear I thought that he thought I was a fat ass who ate all the time. I always peruse the kitchen and try to grab snacks when my parents are home, I'm really always in the kitchen. I thought that he thought I ate a ton so I'm always self-conscious when I'm around him in the kitchen.




I just feel like I eat SO fucking much.

Who the hell gave us these goggles that blinds us from how we really are?
My brain is
twisted.

thoughts:

Sometimes I doubt if I'm really sick.. if I really have a problem.. if this is all just in my head...
But some member on PT said,


"Think about the first thing you think of when you wake up, and the last thing you think of before you fall asleep... think about what's in your dreams and nightmares..."




Touche.


All my thoughts are of food, weight, and calories. When I wake up in the morning, I think about what I'll eat for the day, what I reaaaaally wish I could just fucking eat, what I would never touch, how many miles I'll run, how far I'll bike, and how many crunches I'll do, who I have to avoid to avoid eating, which friends to ditch, how I'll make it through the day on 2 feet.... Before I go to bed, I re-add every single calorie consumed and burned in my head, get out of bed and do more crunches or push ups, think about what I'll eat when I wake up, what I wish I could eat, how my life would be different if these weren't my only thoughts, etc.


I'm sure many of us think like that.I'd imagine all of are like that, even.. It's really like we're stuck in this perpetuating reality until someone else pulls us out, because god knows we wouldn't dare leave this ourselves, in fear of what's on the other side... Who we really are, if others would like and accept us, hell, if we could even like and accept ourselves...




I haven't been really great lately, but I'm still here for anyone, anytime. I just want you all to know that.

happy?

On the outside my life is great.
I have an amazing family.. some close friends.. a job that I love with people who are like my second family... I love school and my dog and books and baking and sleeping.


What the hell is wrong with me that I can't just be happy?
This doesn't make sense.

-------------------------------

Btw- my friend from yesterday is a size 4. I know she's not, but she had to tell me she was. "I was in a weird place between a 6 and a 4 and I'm definitely a 4 now." I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! And stop lying.

I hate her.

great friend.

"I have low blood sugar."
"Oh man, eat some fruit, they have tons of sugar."
"Yeah, well, I only had a sandwich this morning at 10 so I wasn't surprised."
"Oh okay."
"Yeah, everyone in class gasped, it was so dramatic."


Okay. If you're going to bitch about me that your blood sugar is low because you only ate a sandwich today, just fucking stop. You obviously want attention, I get it. But you're not going to get it from me. I would KILL if I was able to eat a whole damn sandwich at once. Don't brag to me about not eating enough (especially when I know you're lying just to get me to react) because you know it triggers the FUCK out of me.

I hope you're happy.
That I'm not.



I'll sleep well tonight.
lolzzzzzzzz.


That bitch.
I'm still pissed. Wtf. She's my best friend.
I was having an AMAZING day.
Leave it to you to ruin it for me.
Because you have everything else.
Take my day, too.

Still fucking awake, although they should be kicking in shortly.
I just literally do not want to think anymore.
Like, I cannot think anymore today.
Fuck me.
I binged like a mother fucker and purged some.
Now I have a feeling in my throat like it's cold and something is lodged in it.
LOVELY.

FUCKING.

BONES.


I don't think I can ever be fixed.
I don't even know what's wrong.


Will any of us truly be happy?
I don't know anymore.

fuck, anorexia.

It's funny when my friends complain to me about shit.
Like, one of my friends is bitching about being on vacation with her family.
Seriously?


Try being in my head for a fucking
HOUR...
you'd be torn a-fucking-part.
It's so draining
I'm fucking trapped in this shit.



fuck eating disorders fuck the fucking world.
fuck my brain


it needs to quiet
but it won't
stop
until I
stop.

*you can't eat that**you look like a fat piece of shit**stop staring at that food, you' don't want people to think you have no control over yourself**can't you see everyone staring at your fat???**you're a worthless piece of shit**you're a waste of space, you do nothing all fucking day**treadmill**everyone is staring at you, stop fucking doing that**puke**you better not let anyone see what a disgusting bitch you are**you have no fucking spine**you're so ugly*why haven't you killed yourself yet?**no one will ever love you**you have no future*fat ass*


someone, make it stop.

die

just want to go to
sleep

so i can stop all the fucking
thinking

numb

I spend all hours of the day waiting for night to come.
When I sleep, dreams and unconsciousness take me to a place where all is good where
I can't
feel
a
thing.


I'm happy. Numb. Breathless.

I don't see how I have the energy to wake up in the morning.
This isn't a suicide post.. it just.. it is what it is.
I'm so drained all the time.
If this is life, I don't want it, but
I'm
stuck.


I'm so fake I disgust myself.. I feel bad for others, having to care for me.
So I strap on a smile and it works.
Even over the internet, on PT, facebook, whatever.
I'm not happy, I have no fucking idea what I'm talking about, I snap at people because I don't have the energy to do anything else, I'm 100 calories out for the day and just trying to focus so damn hard to read what's on the page.
But no one sees that.

Can you imagine if they did?

40 shades of pink

I'm glad I have this blog because I'm too lazy to write my thoughts down in a journal.
Although I used to do that, I stopped the day my grandpa died, idky.
I used to write what I did everyday, the time I woke up, what I wore, what I did, saw, experienced.
And that day I just didn't feel like writing.
So I
stopped.
I did it for a solid 2 or 3 years... I should dig those up.
But when I stopped writing, my life
stopped.
ED
started.

--
Just got back from seeing Snow White and the Huntsman with my friends.
It was good.
But I need to cut but I
can't.
Idk what triggered me, I can't pinpoint it.
I just need to
do
something.

I just love this picture

-

I can't eat
I try so fucking hard
at everything
and I never do well enough
What's the point?
I'm so stressed
and hated
and I
hide.

I didn't feel sick or dizzy today.
Plus.

oh boy

Isn't it swell
my whole world is swirling
out of
control
and I have no intent
of putting it back
together.

biatch

I'm sorry for everything.


I'm just so so tired.
And I say that a lot,
because I'm tired a lot.
I'd just love for one day to be not tired.



I can't begin to express how much I hate myself
I'm so awful and self-centered.
I want to see what everyone else sees.. but I can't.
This must be me.
Why would anyone create someone like me?


I'm scared I might be sick.
I've been getting dizzy spells that last 5-10 seconds for a few months now
and I've recently been getting weird pressure headaches that last a few minutes,
on the top of my head.
Diabetes runs in my family, type 1.
I figure I'll make a doctors appointment but I have to tell my parents.

I hate being weak and vulnerable and asking for help.

My friends mom is a nurse and told me something might be missing from my diet.
lol.
Like a vitamin deficiency. That could make sense, but why start now
instead of 6 years ago
when this all
started?

Wrote a poem a few days ago.. Here she blows...

I want to say everything

But nothing is coming out

Words of sorrow and regret

Fill my head with emptiness.

Blackness and darkness

Surround my very being

Until the screams I yell

Aren’t even heard by the

Spirits inside of me,

Screaming until there is

Nothing left to say,

Screaming until my heart

Fails to beat and my lungs

Fail to make any sound.

I will never be heard,

For the air in my soul is

Rotten all around,

And the sounds that I project

Are  lifeless in itself.

Spinning in a daze I feel

Like a fresh bout of wind will

Take me to the next world,

Where sleep is eternal,

And darkness surrounds every corner,

And I can finally be at rest,

And give my head a break.

oy with

lol
I always think I'm doing "really well"
until I hit a low point and I'm not able to eat.
I'd go from 400 calories a day to maybe 100
how fucked up is that, lol..

It's so funny...
I can't explain it..
'doing really well' is eating 400 calories a day.
hahahaha.
bull shit.

yes yes, I'm very good at dying.

junk

PT is triggering me the fuck off tonight
and all of the topics
every
single
one

are pissing me off.


Binged and purged literally all day today
and I have killer cramps
laxatives cramps plus period cramps,
plus puking.
fucking mess.
fucking sick.
fucking spider in the basement.

lol.

I was laying in the basement after a nap,
and I sit up and see this bitch of a spider crawling all over the pillow my head was just on.
I jumped the hell up and IT FUCKING JUMPED TOO!
Landed on my fucking phone, so I blew the little bastard off and grabbed the phone, the dog, and the laptop and ran the fuck upstairs.
Bugs are the one type of bitches I don't fuck with.
... as if I'm some fucking macho bitch who beats the shit out of everything....
lol.


I love the work FUCK FUCK FUCK.



i want to say everything, but nothings coming out.

never again

my mother can't spend one hour with me without being completely miserable.
I did nothing.. I thought we were having a good time... with my sister, too.
.. And I hear her complaining about me on the phone and she made me
cry in the store
so we
left.

maybe

I don't know who
I am
or where I'm
going

but I know it's not
up.

Maybe,
if the world stops spinning,

maybe,
it will all
stop.

cutcutcuts

hello scissors
I've missed
you so.


Idk why I cut with scissors.
I suppose I should invest in a proper blade
but I don't trust myself
enough
to stop.

The scissors are sharp enough to
see blood
but dull enough so I can't go far enough to
kill.

"you look so gaunt with your hair up.
keep it down."


Today is the last day I'm taking sleeping meds.
I don't deserve to sleep.
But I love being numb.
And floaty.

I really cannot express how much I love to be asleep
and away from myself.
If I could be like that forever I would
Everlasting rest.

I guess it will come soon enough.

drunkkJ

sio drunik. i wajust want to diw.e.
bababa mmust shouikd go to sleep i habe HAVE 3 finalsd tomorrow@@!

sleep

I have to study.
I just got coffee with my best friend and I'm all jittery, the result of not eating today. But I feel awake.

But I just want to down my pills and sleep. Thank god for my "friend" who provides them to me. He's all I need, really.. his pills.

I fucking love being unconscious like that, I sometimes wish that sleeping is all life is.. actually I always wish that lol.
I just want to sleep and be forgotten about and forget about everything and everyone.

I have no problems when I sleep, ya know, I'm just nothing and no one is anything.. It's like I'm not me. I have no problems, and my real life is a nightmare anyway so really nothing scares me more than being awake.



I saw him today when I got home half an hour ago. He was sitting in his car and I pulled up and he saw me.. well he lives right across from me how could he not see me? I froze but I didn't want to show him fear so I grabbed my shit and walked to my door. I could feel his evil eyes watching me and I've never felt so dirty or disgusting. I'm damaged and used goods, whose gonna want that?

I just want my life to be different.



I know EVERYONE has fucking problems, but why the fuck was I dealt these cards?? WHY FUCKING ME. If "I could handle it," I'd be doing a much fucking better job than I am.


I wish I were anyone else.

dumb stix

I never thought my anorexia would turn into bulimia... or at least "real" purging, purging-type anorexia, instead of working out to purge... and I never thought that would turn into my daily routine of starving myself until my parents go to bed at 9 so that I could wait until 10, pop sleeping pills, and stuff my face with anything I can find.

I guess since anorexia wouldn't kill me, maybe I'm eating myself to death and I'll go out that way... at least, I'm trying to rationalize the change in me and why things are changing this way..

I just want to not fucking feel. And not eating makes me numb. And so does sleeping. And eating until I'm fucking full makes me hate myself and feel disgusting and a mess and a fat pig and hate everyone.

Maybe I'll torture myself and make myself try to stay away with these pills kicking in. That will show me.



EDIT/ADD:

Sooo it's later and I took 4 PM advil instead of my normal sleeping pills because I want to save those for a night when my parents work so they don't notice me sleeping all day but damn these are working mighty damn fine.

I feel drunk as fuck and when I move my head I get reaaaaal nice and dizzy. I could fall asleep now but I won't.

It's like my insides go numb first on these and like I should stop breathing because I can't feel it, but I'm still breathing. lol.

listentotheworldsimnotsaying

dirty

Thinking about things tonight... Something I hadn't remembered about what happened came into my head.


If I said no he would always tell me, "I'll tell your parents." "I'll tell your mom." "I'll tell your dad."


Like it was my fault.
Like I was doing something I shouldn't have been doing.
Like I was the one in the wrong.
Maybe I was? Why was I so scared he would tell my family?


Maybe I was the guilty one.

old people.

today has been weird. I was okay today, eating fruits, running-ish (I still have a cold so it was more like, running *blowing nose* running, *blowing nose*....

I'm so fucking tired.. always so tired I'm never *fine.*

So.. I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
I don't want to eat tomorrow.
I don't want to eat ever.


I really fucking hate eating. I'd rather drink, or just..... just do nothing.

I always knew food scared me, but I never thought about how much I just physically hate eating.


I wish I lived by myself.
Or was just by myself.
I am by myself, I suppose I don't have to wish it.

apparently no one can see.

17.3

goodbye more 6 pounds.

hello to hating myself.
hello to being depressed.
hello crying in the bathroom at work.
hello no energy to go to school...
                        or do anything else but sleep.
hello hating everyone.
hello walking into grocery stores just to stare at food.

goodbye life.





Had an awful month. March march march madness.
April hasn't had a great start.
Maybe tomorrow.

I took like 6 laxatives and nothing happened.
Maybe I should eat and I'd get something other than stomach cramps all night.
Die.


I wish I could figure myself out.

End of the rode.
lol, road.

x

so depressed it hurts.
so tired.
so done.

low low low low dirty dirty sick die die.
cut cut cut.
cry cry cry.


my head hurts. =X
on some new meds that take my appetite away.
lol.
anorexia = loss of appetite.
what is an appetite.
it more like, takes my thoughts away.
i can't explain it.

dirty.
i feel so dirty.
i am so dirty.


ishouldhavefoughtharder.
ishouldhavefoughtharder.
ishouldhavefought.
ran.

at least I did the last time. ran.
son of a bitch.
burn in hell.

with me?

uhglfshgljkfhglf.

literally squirming in my own skin.
i want out out out.
sitting here all day, i keep moving around to try and get away from myself
but i just fucking fucking fucking can't.


fuck someone just take me away, please.


please please please.


just make it stop.
i want to stop.

happiness? what's this?

i'm tired of running to the bathroom to cry because i'm too exhausted from pretending to be happy.


i hate crying over the silliest things, because those things are the only thing that i'll allow myself to cry over.

thishurtstoomuch.

not good.
so tired.

WHAT

In my abnormal psych class today, my professor was like, "Does anyone know what amenorrhea is?" And I just said, "The loss of your period." And he was shocked anyone knew the answer and asked me how I knew what it was. I was like, "Uhh, I don't know!" And I chuckled.

Situation averted.



Now he wasn't talking about ED's. He was talking about somatoform disorders. But still.

postsecret