dumb stix

I never thought my anorexia would turn into bulimia... or at least "real" purging, purging-type anorexia, instead of working out to purge... and I never thought that would turn into my daily routine of starving myself until my parents go to bed at 9 so that I could wait until 10, pop sleeping pills, and stuff my face with anything I can find.

I guess since anorexia wouldn't kill me, maybe I'm eating myself to death and I'll go out that way... at least, I'm trying to rationalize the change in me and why things are changing this way..

I just want to not fucking feel. And not eating makes me numb. And so does sleeping. And eating until I'm fucking full makes me hate myself and feel disgusting and a mess and a fat pig and hate everyone.

Maybe I'll torture myself and make myself try to stay away with these pills kicking in. That will show me.



EDIT/ADD:

Sooo it's later and I took 4 PM advil instead of my normal sleeping pills because I want to save those for a night when my parents work so they don't notice me sleeping all day but damn these are working mighty damn fine.

I feel drunk as fuck and when I move my head I get reaaaaal nice and dizzy. I could fall asleep now but I won't.

It's like my insides go numb first on these and like I should stop breathing because I can't feel it, but I'm still breathing. lol.