between a rock and a hard place.

got mah naiiiilz did today. ;) I haven't bitten them in 2 or 3 weeks so this was my reward, $50 french manicure and it's SO purdy!! The lady who did my nails said I looked like I was a sophomore in high school LOL I was like, okay bitch look.. try sophomore in COLLEGE. Bahah. she was sweet though... she got a very generous tip haha.

Breaking bad habits one step at a time.... What should I conquer next? LOL... hmmm i wonder.


Anyways, I feel like shit. Idky, just feel sickly today. =/ I laid in the sun so that's probably why.. my head all hurts and so does my stomach. Blahhh. OH but I actually looked semi-decent today.. It was because of the sun.. I got a tad burned on my face.. so now instead of a weird greyish tint to my face, it's red. It's a nice change. My friends mom at the party said I looked good. She was probably being nice, but it was sweet.. made me want to get more sunburn lol.




"One day, Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. 'Which road do I take?' she asked. 'Where do you want to go?' was his response. 'I don't know,' Alice answered. 'Then,' said the cat, 'it doesn't matter."


I love this quote. Because it makes me think. A lot. Some days I want to get better. Most days I don't think I'm worth it, worth anything, useless. And I know that's true. But some days I'm sick of being different. Which direction should I go in? I don't know... so, it doesn't matter, right?

between a rock and a hard place.




OH. On PT the other day, there was a post in the anti-boredom area that asked us to name a thing you don't like about yourself and name a thing you do like about yourself. I wrote a list of about 5 bad things and stopped. Stared at the computer for a few minutes trying to think about something I like about myself.. does anyone feel that way? They can't pick anything good about themselves? And don't say anything good about me, I'm not fishing for compliments. It just really upset me. It makes me feel that I'm horrible. And now I know it's true. I'm nothing good. I give nothing good to anyone. I can do nothing well. I'm useless. Plain and simple.
I'm just having a really hard time right now, sorry for being so annoying.

who are you?

How did my phone volume get on high? Ghosts, I have decided.. I find myself staring into space a lot.. I don't know why I think that's weird.. I'll be watching TV, but not watching, just staring, zoning out. Ha, idk?

OH I found an error in an episode of FRIENDS lol.. I have no life, so, I'm pretty excited about it.. in "The one with all the haste..." you can see a piece of camera equipment in the shot and then they move it out right away, looks like one of those big lights or something, idk.

I'm not great at putting things into words, really. But I've alway been a girl who had a best friend, ya know? I've always had someone there for me, but not one of them knows a sliver of the things about me that Nancy does.. and in Abby words, that's saying a lot.. I don't open up to people easily because I'm not comfortable with them enough to do it or don't trust them enough, but Nancy, you know more about me than every one of my best friends has ever know, even more than my family knows about me, and I hope you realize how much that (and you) mean to me. You make me feel so much better about everything that I tell you about and I honestly don't know how I managed to keep everything bottled up before you. I'm so glad I found PT because I've met so many frickin awesome people there. I really hope you see how great and beautiful you really are one day and start taking care of yourself better (aka. get rid of your bulimia lol) You've been doing SO fucking great with it and that makes me happier than anything else.. I'm so proud of you.

Ah vivo told me a recipe for cheese sticks that I'm dying to try.. I bought some cheese sticks but forgot the cereal. =/ Whoopsies.

I have nothing to do tonight. It's so muggy out I just want to wash away my skin because I'm freezing but like, steamy? lmao it's so weird idk.

Anyone hear that Elliot Stabler is leaving Law and Order: SVU?! My life is officially over. lol.

My friends birthday party is tomorrow. I ate oatmeal today, but won't eat tomorrow, at least not till late.. they're having her favorite, Thai food, at the party.. goodness knows how many calories/fat is in that shit.. I'll have to go shopping for a card or something with a friend tomorrow before we go to her house.. also getting my nails done with a friend to celebrate that I haven't bitten my nails in about 2 weeks. :) Yay me.. I usually like painting my nails myself, but I've been dying for a french manicure ever since I stopped biting lol.. I wonder where all my nervous energy is being channeled to?.. maybe that is why I stare into space. Probably not. Idk.

My heart hurt yesterday. It was kinda scary but it went away after a few minutes. It was weird. Idk, hasn't happened since, which I suppose is a good sign.

Someone asked the question "Who are you" today on PT and I've been thinking ever since.. sure, I can say that I play piano and like being cozy and shit, but who really am I? Idk.. any takers? lol jk.

food.

Today was a weird ass day.. just putting that out there.
Got out of bed at 1, took a shower, got dressed.
My friends came over, we baked cookies and got my sister from school.

I felt like crying all damn day. Idky but every little thing made me upset. Whatever. Plus it was frickin cold out all day. Wtf, May?

I didn't eat all day because I knew I'd have to have a cookie.
With butter and sugar and flour and cinnamon and vanilla. Fuck snickerdoodles. 
So I did. I ate 1 cookie. My friends each had 3. It's like, 6 o'clock at this point.
In the car to my friends house, my one friend says, "Are you hungry?"  Me, "Eh, not really, no."
Her, "So are you like anorexic again or something." Me, (in a joking voice) "Oh yeah, haven't you noticed?"
And then she laughed and I changed the subject.
This bitch was the one who basically told my whole high school about my ed in some rumor.
(which was true, but stfu bitch).

I wanted to slap her.

Then we went to my other friends house.. since they've been with me since 2 pm, they hadn't eaten all day.. and them being normal humans, wanted to eat. Fuck that. So her mom made us ravioli. Big ones, I guess. I ate 5. One friend had 9, the other had 13..  yeah I counted, idky I did that..
But the friend who had 13 is the friend who called me anorexic and she kept fucking staring around the big pot of ravioli at my food to see how much I had eaten.. I called her out on it too, which I thought was funny because normally I wouldn't do that.. but I was like, "Wtf stop watching my food you weirdo." And my other friend laughed.. and the friend I said that too was like, "I was just moving in my chair, gosh."
YEAH RIGHT!

thisiswhyidonteataroundpeople.especiallyher.
Now I feel like a fat elephant. Literally. I'm going to bed with all that shit in my stomach.
I can't work out now. When I got home my parents were still awake so I went straight to my room.
I hate today.
Not eating tomorrow.

Felt like fainting today, but i didn't.
Didn't have to eat today, so I didn't.. oh I had oatmeal.
LIES LIES LIES.
I'm so stupid. My boss saw me today at work today and gave me a hug.
Idk why, well I guess I do know why, but it was random.. but it felt nice for someone to care.
I wanted another hug. No one ever hugs me. Idky. Maybe I'm unhugable? lol is that a word?


I went to my friends house after work with another friend. We watched 16 and Pregnant.. when it came on, it was the girl with anorexia. My friend was like "Yay an anorexic!" I was like "...*silence*...."
Lol but Nanny always makes me feel better so I texted her and we joked about it. "God anorectics are so annoying." lmao DAMNIT ABBY! Bahaha. okay okay inside joke.
Apparently my friends and I are baking tomorrow. I actually like baking, I guess.
I think we are making banana bread and snickerdoodles? No fucking clue when snickerdoodles are.. but I'll find out.. lol

Anyways, I got a migraine at her house and wanted to just die.. If anyone gets them you know what I mean.. basically all through 16 and Pregnant my head wanted to explode and my friends ate popcorn.

I guess nothing happened today. I was home alone all day. The usual.



Here's to the girls on their boards with bruises and scars.
Here's to anyone who never quit when things got hard.

green leaves.

really don't have anything to say.. I just wanted to thank you, lillyzara, for you comment on my autism post. that gives me a lot to think about and you were extremely helpful. thank you so much.

i do some of the things you described, but not all of them. for one, I am horrible at math lol.
but again, thank you.

tired.

exhausted.
all the time.
i never want to do anything, go anywhere, see anyone.
but i do.
my whole body hurts today.
and pt was exhausting today.
so much drama, it's getting annoying.

also, turns out i'm not going to florida with my friends.
i'm elated.

and i thought I was gonna get a D on my report card in astronomy, because i never go to class.
i got a B.
I got 3 B's and an A.
not great for me, usually I get mostly A's.
but idgaf. i'm happy for that B.





i'm nothing special.

autism.

So I don't have it, I'm positive, like, I think I would have been diagnosed by now, if I had.
I was visiting my friend this weekend, in Indiana, and I'll admit, I'm a pretty fucking random person.
I hate awkward silence, or any silence, and so I just ramble and talk.
Well I said something like, "Wow, all birds seem to only fly in only pairs here." And my friend was like, "lol okay.."
And then I said something stupid about talking dogs and if they would tackle me or kiss me if they escaped their fence.
And she says, "The things you say- it's like you have autism."

I was like hm... I laughed, because she meant it as a joke.. not that autism is funny... but whatever.
But it got me thinking.. that I think differently than other people.. I keep thinking how I think differently.
Maybe I see things differently, the world? Idk.. but she put that stupid idea in my head.
That I am different.And it makes me upset.
And it's all I can think about.
I don't want to be different.

I fucking think weird.


-Birds in Indiana fly in pairs.
-The round-about sign looks like a sun.
-What are dogs thinking?
-Can you feel clouds if you get high enough?

bye bye, PT.

I won't be able to get on PT until probably Wednesday.
I'm going to visit one of my friends from IU.

dramatic.

Those posts about "what did you eat today" made me feel bad today.
Idk why. I usually don't give a shit.
It was like, 'what did you have for breafkast?" and I was thinking, well, nothing.
I'm just in a touchy mood. Annoyed at the world, lol.
Don't know why this made me upset. But now I just want to lay in bed forever.

ew.

Also, my dog peed in the house today.
I normally wouldn't mention that, lol, but I stepped in it.
Fml. Now my foot smells like pee.
And I have to write a 1 page paper.
Not complaining about the paper, just about my smelly, pee-foot.

Must go wash it now.

wow.

an eating disorder is not a diet.
good? good.
cool.

halloween, mf.

Today was annoying, I think.
We watched one of my favorite movies in my history class though, Casablanca.
Didn't go to my first class.
Came home and painted my nails and talked to my dad.
Went to work for 2 and a half hours. It was horribly slow.
I'm almost done with my book, Elsewhere.
It's so good. Only 170 pages left. And it's sadly a short, quick read.
But so sosososo so good.

I can't remember if I ate today or not.
I think not.
20 days until I go to Florida.

OHMYGOD.
The scariest thing happened to me today, lmao. I told NANNY (on PT) about it lol.
I was in my room, on my break from work, doing my hair or something stupid. And all of a sudden I hear the theme song from the Halloween movies start playing. I was like HOLY SHIT!! SOME MOTHERFUCKER PLANTED A TAPE PLAYER IN MY ROOM TO MAKE IT 10 TIMES MORE SCARIER WHEN THEY KILL ME! I was like, literally shaking so much lol and I thought my heart was going to beat away. I couldn't move, I just stood in my room, thinking about how I'm going to die in my stupid room, doing my stupid hair, by some guy who is impersonating Mike Myers.

Turns out it was my mom downstairs, calling her phone, which was in her purse in my room (because I was borrowing it). Her ringtone is the song from Halloween. Holy shit. I haven't been that scared in a while. Like, I can't explain it lol I felt so stupid lmao.

Thank you, Greys Anatomy.... lol

lmao, sorry mom.

off topic... anyone watch Lady GaGa's concert at MSG?
I only did because I don't have actual shows I watch on when I'm on PT or facebook lol becaues I can't read shit and watch TV at the same time.. so I had her show on in the background.. and I was thoroughly bored... she ripped a barbie's head off.. she lip sang... no one was cheering really.. unless they just tuned it out. idk i'm babbling. Plus.. no one has actual yellow hair.. wtf.

I guess she sang one song while playing the piano.. she messed up a few times.. being a pianst myself (lol) I noticed.. but uh, she did good on it. I like that song. weee.

and wtf was that when she tried playing piano and guitar with her feet... it didn't workout well and looked completely stupid.

Ugh I feel like a bitch for ruining her creativity. But, whatever. I gave one good comment, yeah?

I've decided her fans at the concert were screaming lol and they just toned them out for our TV-viewing pleasure.

Awkward for me. She just said she doesn't lip sync.
idk why I keep updating this. Who the hell cares.
She actually sings quite well.

it takes a village.

My mind feels very put together today. Yes. No. I want this. Not that. I feel very on edge, though. I know I have to get things done. Finalize my school work. Try and focus. One week left. Done done done. I don't have much school work to do, so yay. Just a test Monday, and I can't focus enough to think anymore. But I have 3 tests next week. They'll be easy. And one paper do. I already did it. Then summer.


This is gonna sound weird. Like, I'm a TV addict lol, but my TIVO is absolutely full and it makes me insanely nervous. Like I need to watch everything. Now. I'm watching 90210 now. I wish my life was a fake character in a television show. On the show they just took their friend to a mental ward. I wish I could live there. Get some peace and quite. Just for a little while. No, I'd miss my bed. My life. My food. Everything. But I'd like to get the chance to sleep. All day.


Went out to eat for my friends birthday today. I worked today. Didn't eat today until we went to eat at 8. We got stir fry.. I had some rice and chicken with teriyaki sauce. I'd say 300 calories. Did i spell that right? Oh well. It was pretty fucking good but it took a lot to eat. My friend stared at me the whole time which made me madder than hell. I told her to stop watching me and went to the bathroom to ease the tension. It worked fine. I ate. She ate. It was good.


I also have to go out to eat for my dad's birthday tomorrow. My whole family will be there so I can't exactly bring my salad dressing to pour on the salad I'll get. They'd notice and start some shit. I hate my family sometimes. I just wish nobody cared what anybody else did, ya know? Good. So, I'll go to work again tomorrow.. get up, not eat, go to work, not eat, come home, not eat, go out to eat. Eat. I'll have to eat. Something. It's one day. One meal. Okay okay. I knew this was coming for a few weeks, so I'm not freaked out. I planned around it. I'm fine.

Also,  I work all day Sunday. 11-9. Not eating Sunday.

My hands are dry. I need lotion.
Peace out girl scout.

pink socks.

Treated myself to a 10 calorie lemonade and 3 ice cubes today. yay me... How pathetic. it was that shit you put in your water. I drank it in a lovely pink cup with a white straw and yellow stripes. Fancy. ;) lol jk. Well compared to the water bottles I generally drink out of, that pink cup was somethin special.

That reminds me. We have this mug, it's a pig mug. Like, it's shaped like a pig and you drink out of where it's brains should be. Weird, right? I tried to google it, but the one mug shaped like a pig I found was really ugly lol and ours is pretty cute if I can say so. I don't know why I said this.. hm.

I also had 2 cream savers today. The strawberry kind. Nomnomnom. And of course my salad. I feel like death today. It's just a bad day. I ditched my first class and of course on my way out of my second class I saw the teacher of my first class. Awkward. And I got all frazzled when I saw her so I went down 2 stair levels instead of one and got myself lost. I pretended like I knew where I was going and managed to walk out the wrong door, so I had to walk an extra 10 minutes around the damn school to the parking lot lol I felt so stupid.. I am stupid, so that makes sense.

This is weird.. when I type, my brain is a word behind reading but my fingers are a word ahead.. get it? I think I'm crazy. Hah. Crazy.

I saw Jason Derulo last night at my best(?) friends college. It was fun. We went out to eat after. They got cheese burgers. I had a cup of ice cream before I left for her college... do I need to say I didn't get a burger? No, I didn't get a burger. And that place we went to was freezing. Btw, Jason Derulo may not be hot but he has an awesome body. Okay okay.

I'm freezing. This damn lemonade makes me cold.. yeah.. it's the lemonade Abby.. weee. I just watched the Social Network. It was really good. Ended too soon, I think. I wasn't expecting the ending when it came.

I have to do my English assignment now.. we are analyzing advertisements. I did a Justin Bieber nail polish ad,  one of those 'Got Milk?' ads, and an Orajel ad.. lol. I just have to merge some paragraphs apparently and add some more words.

ad. add. add. ad. ad ad add.

my mind is all fuzzy. I want to lay in bed all day and never get up. Never feel pain again.

I was thinking this morning when I woke up.. woke up? Yeah, layed in bed, whatever, when I woke up, about what will happen after I die. Creepy I know. I'm weird. Freak. Loser. Okay. But like, I don't want to be buried. That's like, a big fear of mine. To be buried alive. And I know I'll be dead and all, but I feel like I'd come back alive in that coffin, 6 feet under, and not be able to breathe or scream or move or see. And that'll be it. And then I don't want to be cremated.. because.. how scary would it be to burn in a big oven? How does that even work? My grandfather was cremated, but, I didn't ask questions. Also, I hate water. Like, I'm deathly afraid of the big oceans and boats and the lake. (I go in, but not on a boat and not more than 10 feet out) so I couldn't do the thing that they do with our soldiers and apparently Osama, tie you down with rocks and you sink to the bottom of the ocean.

So is there an option 4? What can I do to my body? What can they do to it?

Don't let them do anything.

lmao shit.

Okay it's not big secret I like to drink with my friends and party. My parents found my water bottle full of vodka in my room today lol. They were all like, "Why is there alcohol in your closet?? You sitting in your room and drinking alone is really unsettling." lmao I thought that was hilarious. I do not, by any means, sit in my room by myself and drink. I am not an alcoholic. I told them I obviously bring it out and use it with my friends. They understood lol. My parents are pretty chill... well at least my dad is. He completely understands which is good. I mean I'm 19 so it's not a big surprise that I drink, but whatever. I'm not in trouble or anything, I just had to dump it out, which is bogus because it was 30 bucks lol. Oh well I'll always get more.

But my mom also found my diet pills. Oops. Well, actually they aren't really even diet pills. it's diurex, which I sincerely use when I used to get my period for bloating.. it works like magic.. it's just a water pill.. so I convinced them of that too. But my dad just left the house so I ran up to my room and threw away all my diet books that I hoard (lol) and my actual diet pills and anything bad that I wrote in my journals is all in the trash. I feel so anxious but glad it's all gone. I mean, I they know about my ed, I'm sure of it.. but now I don't know that they do...  My mother always makes stupid ass comments whenever I eat and my dad isn't home enough to notice anything, so idk.. maybe they don't know. It's not like we have family meals anymore.

Gonna be awkward probably today and tomorrow lol especially when my mother gets home. That should be.. interesting. Apparently she saw the "water bottle" last week but didn't say anything. Weird. They weren't snooping, btw. My mom was getting her summer clothes out of my closet and saw it and then my dad was shaving the doors on my closet down because they get stuck in my rug. Hahhaha, oh, life.

I'm just rambling. But, funny day, I guess.. In my screw up head, I think it's all funny.

can post secret read minds?...