I finished my paper.

I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper.



Hell.
Yes.


For my scary English teacher. Not scary, but, yeah, actually, pretty damn scary. I was fucking worried about it. Like, more anxious about it than I've ever been in a long time over a homework assignment. And I finished it in like, 3 1/2 hours.

I'm still tweaking it, but it's mainly done.

I couldn't be happier.
Lol, I'm happy?
No, probably not, just relieved.
A big rock has just been lifted off my shoulders.

OMG. I finished my paper. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.


I shouldn't get too excited, what if it sucks? lol

why why why

I'm fucking stupid.
I charged my own card for online shopping instead of my parents.
Now I'm out $130.
Ooops.

I think I kind of deserved it, I was too lazy/tired to get up and see which card numbers were mine or my parents.. the website has them both saved on their site so I never have to enter them in anymore.
I shop too much, apparently. Hah. I'm pissed though.

I probably sound like a spoiled bitch. Whatever.

I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
About anything.


Cut cut cut.

Tonight sucks. This week sucks.. The past few weeks have sucked.

I keep waiting for a break.. for a day that I'm not so upset or crying or stressing about anything. A day where I don't cut.
And the day never comes.
Never fucking comes.

My life sucks.
I suck.
Work and school suck.

I really can't handle it anymore. Idk what to do, honestly. I'm going literally insane, more than I already am, lol, and it's literally breaking me to pieces. Chunks.


Life is crushing me and I'm to weak to care.

Things to do:

-Finish reading and taking notes for my psych quiz Tuesday.
-Sleep tonight.
-Work out tomorrow.
-Analyze, summarize, and outline chapter for English for Tuesday.
-Read 4 chapters for my speech class for Tuesday.
-Write 2nd World Religions paper for Thursday.
-Go to work tomorrow.

Don't die? Don't cut. Don't freak out.

eat. something.

Zzzzzz

I'm tired. So tired.
I worked today and now I can't focus on homework. My body is exhausted and so is my mind.
I don't want to go shopping, but I will. I should do homework, but I can't get off the couch. I can't even run.
I need less hours at work but I want to be able to do it.. I don't want to let anyone down by asking for less.
I don't want to disappoint my boss, and I won't. My co-worker goes to school full time, too, and she told our boss she needs to work less. But I don't want to be like her. I need to be stronger. Better.
I need to be less. Nothing. Less than nothing. Gone.



Going to visit one of my best friends colleges today with my other best friend. I'm excited for that, but I need a nap.
I'll go nap now, I suppose. There goes shopping.
I need a break.
I need a lot of things.


Hope you all are well.

mad men.

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself.

I worked so hard in high school. I was an all-around athlete, graduated in the top 5% of my class.. I graduated 9th in my class, I think.. or 7th... whatever.. Got into the best universities.. and even got into one of the best psych programs outside of Ivy League schools.. and then I fucked everything up and had to leave.

It's all my fault. I am fucking stupid. Worthless. Shit. Disgusting. Loser. Piece of shit. Nothing.

And now, I am sitting home on my parents couch, stuck at home for another year, in community college, a place I swore myself I'd never be... working full time, while all my friends are off doing something with their lives.. I am alone.

What the fuck.

Why am I still here.
Why am I such a disgusting person.
Awful person.
Nothing person.
Not worth anything person.
Apparently.

I did some bad things. Oh well. I deserve it.

I really fucking hate myself.. I can literally feel the worthlessness moving around inside me... swishing... flowing.. I can feel it under my skin, does that make sense? I know it's there.. because I can feel it.

I wish I couldn't feel anything..
Nothing.
Zero.
Gone.
Perfect.

i hate hair.

I am a bad friend. I'm so absorbed in my own shit and I don't have the time or focus to help any of my friends. They send me texts and I can't focus enough to read them or even understand what they are trying to say.. and I snap at them. I'm awful.

I'm sorry.




PS. Again, title is a quote I just heard on Chelsea Lately... lol.

----

Not doing well.
Everything hurts all the time.
I'm exhausted in every way possible..
I can't even focus my eyes on the TV.
I cry all the time.
I can't focus at school or work.. they think I'm a space-head, or nuts.


lol. I suppose I am.

September 11, 2001

Ten years ago today, I was in school walking down the halls after bringing my classes mail to the office when my principal made the announcement over the intercom, an announcement that I did not understand.. Something about a plane attack, I assumed a plane just crashed. Teachers started crying and they were able to listen to the radio/watch TV all day during classes. I live in Chicago and people we scared we'd be the next target, so many of the parents came to pick up their kids from school and I even remember some of the people  in my neighborhood boarding up their windows and doors in case something happened here..

When I got home, my mom was sobbing over the TV holding my baby sister, trying to get ahold of my dad who is a manager at O'Hare Airport. He wasn't home until about 1 am as he had to deal with all the flights that were canceled and he had to work with other airports to ground all the current in-air-flights. My mom told me that my dad called her to turn on the TV after the first tower was hit, and they both watched live on TV as second plane hit the second tower. That gives me chills just writing about them seeing that. Sometimes I am very grateful that I was only 9 when it happened because I don't know how I would have reacted if it happened when I was old enough to understand what was really going on.

I remember being scared just because my mother was scared, I thought we were all going to die and I remember asking my teacher if we were going to be okay. She said she did not know, but that at least for now, we were fine. I was only in 4th grade and I will never forget the horrible things I saw on TV that day. All those people crying and dying, jumping, covered in ash, the screams when the buildings collapsed one after the other...


9/11 is a day that the world will always remember and Americans will always take to heart.


I feel like my problems seem so very trivial today. All those people who died, innocent people murdered over terrorism, and here I am, not eating. My biggest problem is that I can't eat like a normal human being, but at least I am alive.

God bless everyone who died today, 10 years ago. They will never be forgotten.

banana crackers.

Progress took away what forever took to find.

Went to dinner with 2 friends tonight and we had a good time! My best friend is getting worried about me, I can tell. She grabbed my upper arm (biceps? lol idk) and when I looked at her as if to say, "Wtf are you doing?" she said, "I was just making sure my fingers can't reach completely around your arm yet. When they do......" and she trailed off because I mumbled something about it just being my sweater that was tight that made my arms look tiny.

Stop and watch the world as she withers away, but it's not our problem, now.


School was good today actually.. I had another pop quiz in psych and only got 1 wrong (again), which I was really pissed about, but it's still an A and I'm still getting an A all my classes so far.. it's only 3 weeks in, but whatever lol. Our test is next Thursday and I want an A. I've been studying like it's my job, and working like it's my job, for that matter..

Work has been so stressful. Going from working 12-15 hours a week to 28-30 hours a week has been a challenge, especially with not much food and walking around/lifting boxes all day. I work at Bath and Body Works, btw, and I love it. I kept telling my friend how stressed I've been about work and school and she kept minimizing my feelings because she works 40 hours a week. I keep forgetting that she doesn't have an eating disorder.. I actually sometimes forget that I have one, not to say I don't think about it 24/7, I just mean that it's like second nature to me, I sometimes don't consider it "abnormal" or "disordered. It's just how I am.. how I can always remember me being.. it's normal for me to be exhausted all the time, but not when I compare myself to my "normal" friends. I'm confusing myself here. Sorry hahaa.

How 'bout a drink or a bite to eat? He said "no, my faith is all I need." Save me, save me.

I got paid tonight, yay. Not as much as I hoped because I worked fucking long hours last week, but then I remembered that last week's hours goes into my next paycheck in 2 weeks. And when I combine those hours with the 30 hours I have this week, my paycheck will be the biggest one I've gotten so far. Which couldn't come at a better time because my best friends birthday is coming up and we're going out and things.. and it's getting colder, which means winter shopping. (: I love winter clothes. Big-ass sweaters that are finally weather appropriate and big sweat pants.. things I've been wearing all summer but can now wear without getting weird looks.

Anyone else love Christmas? I don't like being out in the cold or snow, but I love how pretty and quiet the city gets when it snows.. The city is always so noisy, something is always going on, and I just love how peaceful it gets... and I love the smell of our Christmas trees and baking/decorating Christmas cookies, yummy Christmas candle smells, Christmas movies, I love everything about it. I'm always happier around the holidays. It's lovely. Except when it actually gets to the holidays, I find myself depressed.. but for some reason I always look forward to them.. thinking I'll be happy when they get here and things, Idk, I can't really explain it...

Or am I too far gone, to get back home?

Today was a good day, and now that I think about it, I realize it is because I didn't have work. I was not stressed. Work has been stressful lately, with the fainting and trying to act like a normal, happy human being all the time. But I was actually not in that big depression mode today or anything. I won't cut tonight.

You are all so lovely.

Now she's falling hard, she feels the fall of dark, how did this fall apart?










Why can I never think of appropriate titles for my blogs? Banana crackers seem like they would taste good, no? I think I've gone bananas.

OH! @lillyz. and lissy.. I did manage to do some shopping earlier this week.. I figured I would get some new clothes since I'd be getting a nice paycheck. I bought a pair of jeans, a shirt for work, a grey sweater, and a pink tank top with flower or triangles on it or something lol, I can't remember. :) But it did make me feel better. I ordered them online so hopefully they will be here tomorrow (today, really) or on Monday. Thanks for the suggestion!

motherfuckingwork.

I want to cry, I am so exhausted. I slept 3 hours last night, woke up at 9 for school, had school from 11-3, worked from 4-11 pm. fuck a mother fucking fuck fuck fuck fucker. I'm so exhausted idk what I want to do. I have a fucking headache and my stomach is killing me because I've been so stressed this past week and I've cut my normal calorie amount in half.. well idk really, I suck at math, whatever... today I had 130 calories, yesterday I had none because I fucking suck and don't deserve shit, and I just want to fucking rip out my stomach.. I ate 8 and a half hours ago and I can feel it working inside me, messing up my insides, fat fat fat fucking fat.

I work at 945 until 5 tomorrow and I'm crying now just thinking about it. I can't keep doing this. I can't go through the day tomorrow with no food, but I'm going to because I'm a fucking cow and my body can manage to eat my fat for another day.

I have to be awake in 8 hours, I hope I can sleep. Fuck work, seriously. fuck fuckfuckfuckffuckfuckfuckfuck.



Bright side? My paycheck is going to be fucking huge... but, at what cost? is it worth all this?

Going to bed, goodnight.

you're a dick.

Do you ever feel like you don't belong in your body? Like.... like you are not good enough for it? Not worth enough? My brain is so fucked up, my "spirit" is so fucked up or whatever. What did I ever do to deserve this body? I'm ruining it all; everything is on my shoulders, and I'm getting very tired of carrying the weight around.

And the amazing part is, I'm smart... school smart, I mean, other smarts, not so much... but I should logically be able to see what I am doing to myself and stop it. Logic is the key and I can't figure out which door it opens. How incredibly smart does that make me? Genius.





PS. I couldn't think of a title for this, and on TV a commercial came on, and some dude said, "You're a dick." lol. So, no one is a dick.. except maybe, a dick.... this is getting awkward.

LYRICS

Just some lyrics I like... :) Or can relate to... Or both.
pointless post lol. Just really for my enjoyment, as I'm bored.. and can't sleep.


Lost myself and I'm nowhere to be found,
Yeah, I think that I might break,
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe.
------
It feels like everyday stays the same,
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again.
-------
Well it's in full speed baby,
in the wrong direction
There's a few more bruises
if that's the way
you insist on heading.
------
I have everything to lose
by not giving up to fight.
------
Where all these troubles
that weigh down on me will rise
Run to your dreaming
when you're alone
Where all these questions
Spinnin' around my head
Will die....


My favorite song of all time.... never gets old for me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7O9Sf4P38oE

shit work shit shit work.

My boss talked to me today. She asked me why I thought I got so many hours this week, I was like uh, because I'm a good employee? (lol) And she said she wanted to "watch me" because my parents obviously weren't doing a great job at it. Um, okay. I hate feeling like this.. like I'm forcing someone to look after me and it's a burden on them.. I love work and I don't want to feel weird there.

I hardly ate today. I had half of a banana and I feel like absolute shit. I wish she never said that to me; it's all I'm going to think about whenever she's at work with me.. which is hardly ever.. and like someone told me, why would she give me more hours if she's worried about me? Shouldn't she give me less? She's never there when I'm scheduled anyway, besides today and tomorrow I suppose. I just hate it. Myself. Blah. Whatever I guess. It's my fault anyway.

I'm just in a horrible mood, I can't stop crying. And to top it off, I accidently cut myself at work, and, it's just a scratch, but it looks like a faded scar on my arm.. Damn soap boxes can kiss my ass. What's more triggering then a cut that I didn't even get to purposely do to myself? Now I have that feeling, but I won't do it, so whatever.

Today was awful. I'm not in a good mood. But I want so much to be.