why can't I see it

Yesterday my best friend said I looked really thin and was wondering if I started working out too much. I told her no. She's not a serious person so whenever she is serious, I laugh. So I was laughing when she was trying to talk to me, it was really awkward. But I swear I look the same. And weigh the same since she last saw me a few days ago.. It's not like you can change that much in a few days. Anyway- I wish I could see what she sees. It's driving me crazy (lols).


And today, my dad and I were talking about our trip to Florida coming up, and the friend mentioned above is coming with. He said, "So, does your friend eat a lot?" (He probably asked this because she's got some meat on her bones, Idk, and just wondering how much money she'll have to bring for food...) And I was like,  "No, she honestly copies whatever I eat whenever I'm with her." And he says, "Oh, so she won't eat a lot."

I swear I thought that he thought I was a fat ass who ate all the time. I always peruse the kitchen and try to grab snacks when my parents are home, I'm really always in the kitchen. I thought that he thought I ate a ton so I'm always self-conscious when I'm around him in the kitchen.




I just feel like I eat SO fucking much.

Who the hell gave us these goggles that blinds us from how we really are?
My brain is
twisted.

thoughts:

Sometimes I doubt if I'm really sick.. if I really have a problem.. if this is all just in my head...
But some member on PT said,


"Think about the first thing you think of when you wake up, and the last thing you think of before you fall asleep... think about what's in your dreams and nightmares..."




Touche.


All my thoughts are of food, weight, and calories. When I wake up in the morning, I think about what I'll eat for the day, what I reaaaaally wish I could just fucking eat, what I would never touch, how many miles I'll run, how far I'll bike, and how many crunches I'll do, who I have to avoid to avoid eating, which friends to ditch, how I'll make it through the day on 2 feet.... Before I go to bed, I re-add every single calorie consumed and burned in my head, get out of bed and do more crunches or push ups, think about what I'll eat when I wake up, what I wish I could eat, how my life would be different if these weren't my only thoughts, etc.


I'm sure many of us think like that.I'd imagine all of are like that, even.. It's really like we're stuck in this perpetuating reality until someone else pulls us out, because god knows we wouldn't dare leave this ourselves, in fear of what's on the other side... Who we really are, if others would like and accept us, hell, if we could even like and accept ourselves...




I haven't been really great lately, but I'm still here for anyone, anytime. I just want you all to know that.

happy?

On the outside my life is great.
I have an amazing family.. some close friends.. a job that I love with people who are like my second family... I love school and my dog and books and baking and sleeping.


What the hell is wrong with me that I can't just be happy?
This doesn't make sense.

-------------------------------

Btw- my friend from yesterday is a size 4. I know she's not, but she had to tell me she was. "I was in a weird place between a 6 and a 4 and I'm definitely a 4 now." I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! And stop lying.

I hate her.

great friend.

"I have low blood sugar."
"Oh man, eat some fruit, they have tons of sugar."
"Yeah, well, I only had a sandwich this morning at 10 so I wasn't surprised."
"Oh okay."
"Yeah, everyone in class gasped, it was so dramatic."


Okay. If you're going to bitch about me that your blood sugar is low because you only ate a sandwich today, just fucking stop. You obviously want attention, I get it. But you're not going to get it from me. I would KILL if I was able to eat a whole damn sandwich at once. Don't brag to me about not eating enough (especially when I know you're lying just to get me to react) because you know it triggers the FUCK out of me.

I hope you're happy.
That I'm not.



I'll sleep well tonight.
lolzzzzzzzz.


That bitch.
I'm still pissed. Wtf. She's my best friend.
I was having an AMAZING day.
Leave it to you to ruin it for me.
Because you have everything else.
Take my day, too.

Still fucking awake, although they should be kicking in shortly.
I just literally do not want to think anymore.
Like, I cannot think anymore today.
Fuck me.
I binged like a mother fucker and purged some.
Now I have a feeling in my throat like it's cold and something is lodged in it.
LOVELY.

FUCKING.

BONES.


I don't think I can ever be fixed.
I don't even know what's wrong.


Will any of us truly be happy?
I don't know anymore.

fuck, anorexia.

It's funny when my friends complain to me about shit.
Like, one of my friends is bitching about being on vacation with her family.
Seriously?


Try being in my head for a fucking
HOUR...
you'd be torn a-fucking-part.
It's so draining
I'm fucking trapped in this shit.



fuck eating disorders fuck the fucking world.
fuck my brain


it needs to quiet
but it won't
stop
until I
stop.

*you can't eat that**you look like a fat piece of shit**stop staring at that food, you' don't want people to think you have no control over yourself**can't you see everyone staring at your fat???**you're a worthless piece of shit**you're a waste of space, you do nothing all fucking day**treadmill**everyone is staring at you, stop fucking doing that**puke**you better not let anyone see what a disgusting bitch you are**you have no fucking spine**you're so ugly*why haven't you killed yourself yet?**no one will ever love you**you have no future*fat ass*


someone, make it stop.

die

just want to go to
sleep

so i can stop all the fucking
thinking

numb

I spend all hours of the day waiting for night to come.
When I sleep, dreams and unconsciousness take me to a place where all is good where
I can't
feel
a
thing.


I'm happy. Numb. Breathless.

I don't see how I have the energy to wake up in the morning.
This isn't a suicide post.. it just.. it is what it is.
I'm so drained all the time.
If this is life, I don't want it, but
I'm
stuck.


I'm so fake I disgust myself.. I feel bad for others, having to care for me.
So I strap on a smile and it works.
Even over the internet, on PT, facebook, whatever.
I'm not happy, I have no fucking idea what I'm talking about, I snap at people because I don't have the energy to do anything else, I'm 100 calories out for the day and just trying to focus so damn hard to read what's on the page.
But no one sees that.

Can you imagine if they did?

40 shades of pink

I'm glad I have this blog because I'm too lazy to write my thoughts down in a journal.
Although I used to do that, I stopped the day my grandpa died, idky.
I used to write what I did everyday, the time I woke up, what I wore, what I did, saw, experienced.
And that day I just didn't feel like writing.
So I
stopped.
I did it for a solid 2 or 3 years... I should dig those up.
But when I stopped writing, my life
stopped.
ED
started.

--
Just got back from seeing Snow White and the Huntsman with my friends.
It was good.
But I need to cut but I
can't.
Idk what triggered me, I can't pinpoint it.
I just need to
do
something.

I just love this picture

-

I can't eat
I try so fucking hard
at everything
and I never do well enough
What's the point?
I'm so stressed
and hated
and I
hide.

I didn't feel sick or dizzy today.
Plus.

oh boy

Isn't it swell
my whole world is swirling
out of
control
and I have no intent
of putting it back
together.

biatch

I'm sorry for everything.


I'm just so so tired.
And I say that a lot,
because I'm tired a lot.
I'd just love for one day to be not tired.



I can't begin to express how much I hate myself
I'm so awful and self-centered.
I want to see what everyone else sees.. but I can't.
This must be me.
Why would anyone create someone like me?


I'm scared I might be sick.
I've been getting dizzy spells that last 5-10 seconds for a few months now
and I've recently been getting weird pressure headaches that last a few minutes,
on the top of my head.
Diabetes runs in my family, type 1.
I figure I'll make a doctors appointment but I have to tell my parents.

I hate being weak and vulnerable and asking for help.

My friends mom is a nurse and told me something might be missing from my diet.
lol.
Like a vitamin deficiency. That could make sense, but why start now
instead of 6 years ago
when this all
started?

Wrote a poem a few days ago.. Here she blows...

I want to say everything

But nothing is coming out

Words of sorrow and regret

Fill my head with emptiness.

Blackness and darkness

Surround my very being

Until the screams I yell

Aren’t even heard by the

Spirits inside of me,

Screaming until there is

Nothing left to say,

Screaming until my heart

Fails to beat and my lungs

Fail to make any sound.

I will never be heard,

For the air in my soul is

Rotten all around,

And the sounds that I project

Are  lifeless in itself.

Spinning in a daze I feel

Like a fresh bout of wind will

Take me to the next world,

Where sleep is eternal,

And darkness surrounds every corner,

And I can finally be at rest,

And give my head a break.

oy with

lol
I always think I'm doing "really well"
until I hit a low point and I'm not able to eat.
I'd go from 400 calories a day to maybe 100
how fucked up is that, lol..

It's so funny...
I can't explain it..
'doing really well' is eating 400 calories a day.
hahahaha.
bull shit.

yes yes, I'm very good at dying.