bullet to the heart

I like to write posts and look back months later and see how much shit has changed.. lols.
Still a nanny.
Taking summer classes bc it turns out I have 18 credits left, not 1.
I'm a dumbass who can't do simple math.. *Insert gun emoji here*
Summer classes can suck a nut.
Triggered as fuck.
Not eating, what what?

Yeah I rhymed mothafuckas.
Must go do homework.

Finally back

Forgot my email/password for this site when my old laptop broke and thanks to a lovely PT member, I found my username, and eventually my email I created for this and then my password. YAY.


So much has changed since August:
-I dropped my nutrition major.
- Found out I was 1 credit away from being eligible to graduate this term (I'm a transfer student so I need a certain amount of credits at the current university I'm at) so I'm graduating after the summer semester.
-Naturally, the 2014 commencement ceremony is in May, and so I'll have to wait a whole YEAR to walk down the isle..... Fml.
-I officially quit my shitty retail job and now I'm a nanny.


Since I'll be done with school in May, I'll be applying to graduate schools for September 2015. Meaning I have a whole year to do whatever I want. And I want to travel. I'm lucky enough that my current job makes me big $$, so I'm researching mission trips in South America.

Nothing ED wise has changed. I was doing GREAT last semester, really. Basically left PT, most of my ED was kinda under control (okay, kinda not, but relatively speaking, it was the best I've been in a long time) and now I'm back in that dreaded cycle. I lost 15 pounds from December 4 to New Years. Ironically, I binged and purged the fuck out of myself on New Years Day, lol... and yeah. Been doing that ever since.. Yay 2014...... -_-

Food is not the enemy
your eating disorder is.


Haven't been around lately, mostly because my computer hasn't been working and I've been out of town. I've been doing really well, really been happy for a while now. My eating has been great, my thoughts haven't been so dark.. I've been okay!

A lot has happened! I got a new job, I quit my old job, my old job wanted me back, I went on vacation, and school starts next week.. Statistics, chemistry, biology, and psychology. Death semester.

If your ED tells you you’re doing something wrong, you’re probably doing something right.

re-reading old blogs.

It's funny how when you re-read old blog posts that you write, you are immediately taken back to those same feelings you were having the day you were writing them. I was re-reading my "emotional roller coaster" post and things have changed since then.. I did drop out of my chemistry class. It was so stressful and I hated life and yeah. I went to class on a Wednesday, took a quiz, got a 30%, left class and cried all the way to the train, called my mom crying to tell her I was dropping it, and it was fine. I still have my Foods class, only 1 day a week so it's fine.

I feel like I'm never content. I'm either depressed and restricting or depressed and binging and purging. There is never a happy medium. There was when I started praying again, and I want to start doing that again. I keep getting lost off that path and straying away from it.. I was sincerely happy, what, in May?.. 2 months ago I was at peace with God, doing my thing, and it didn't take long before I fell and started b/p again, then healthy eating again, then restricting again.

THE DAMN FUCKING CYCLE..... First Binge.... then binge and purge.... then eat healthy and exercise and feel like I'm doing well!... then I start to get obsessive and start restricting and over exercising.... then again, BINGE. and it re-fucking-peats.


On a random note, I've been getting awful headaches everyday. It sucks. The end.

I WANT TO RUN, DAMNIT.

It's so hard not to run today and give myself a day off. I keep getting up to change into my workout clothes but then I keep convincing myself to sit back down.
It's the little wins that matter. :)

emotional roller coaster.

WHEW dog today was... weird.
Woke up at 7:30 exhausted, but wide awake, if that makes sense. I couldn't fall back to sleep although I desperately wanted to. I ate some grapes, strawberries, and watermelon and started to feel like shit. I drank coffee and 2 bottles of water (I went to an amusement park the day before and hadn't drank anything so I was pretty dehydrated) and still felt like shit. The only thing I ate yesterday was half of my sister's cheeseburger, which tasted like absolute garbage.
I ditched school this morning. I was too tired to go. I took a shower at 9 and felt more awake/better so I popped two 10mg ritalin  and tried studying.
Then I felt like shit. I studied for maybe 2 hours before I had to go lay down. I was nauseous the whole time and, pooping like crazy... lol. I think it was the weird burger.
The ritalin doesn't last very long on me, or even have that strong of an effect like adderall or vyvanse does, so by the time I felt better, an hour or so later, I no longer wanted to, or had the motivation, to study... so I didn't, although I have a shit ton of work to get done.
So I cried.
I wanted to drop out of school so badly. Or just take a break. I'm so tired, SO tired and my parents can't tell or can't see it because I'm good at hiding it.. but I just want a few moments to myself, to be completely selfish and not work or go to school. But if I take a break from school that adds another year to my graduation date, which I had already added 2 years to when I added nutrition as a major...  I have 3 more years left of school... and that will make 6 years of college. Fuck, that's a long time... I can't add another year to that.
I want to quit my job, too, but I love the people I work with (most of the time), and it's hard for me to actually follow through with quitting, although deep down it's what I've wanted to do for months. It's also nice to have money coming in...

I just don't know what to do. I know what I want but I'm too afraid to give it to myself.

Then, surprisingly, after feeling like shit and crying all day, I felt better around 5 and watched America's Next Top Model and stupid shows.


I JUST WANT MY HEAD TO FUCKING QUIET, FOR 2 GODDAMN MINUTES, PLEASE.

hatemylife

worked out for 3 hours today

oops.

vom.com

Spent the last few days binging and purging like a mother fucker. Woe is my life.
-__-



I don't want to hate myself anymore.

PT

PT is one of the things that keeps me sane. It keeps me grounded. It is honestly so comforting to know people in the same/similar situation that I am in. There are people there who would never judge me. They understand completely. They get it. Things they say are things that I think. I love it.

But PT is also triggering. It's the perfectionist qualities in me.. the competitiveness.. I read some of the posts of people who are super thin or have super "sick" thoughts, thoughts I have had in the past, and it's completely disgusting, but a part of me CRAVES to be like that again.. to eat nothing all day again.. to live on liquids just because I can, and to be different for it. It's so fucking comfortable, being sick, it's what I know how to do. It's easy and I'm good at it.

How fucked up is that?

A part of me wants to leave PT, but another part of me, a bigger part of me, wants to stay on it so I could  be understood. It's like a family.. but it makes me get worse, and worse thoughts. I wanted recovery just a few days ago... now I don't.

I don't know what to do. I know what I should do. But I don't know what I want to do,

not into it anymore

Not into recovery anymore. Over it. I can't.
Can't do it.
Don't deserve it.
Sweet.

just kidding I want recovery..

Just kidding, I don't.

Wait, I do.
no.
yes.


My mind can't sleep.

trying

I'm trying so hard to fix this by myself.
Fruit-loading isn't so scary for me, because they're low cal and mostly water.
But the thoughts are still there and it's pissing me off.
I still add all my calories and I still freak the fuck out when I tally them and they pass 500.
It makes me crazy (but it's comforting!!) that I already know the calories in everything I eat and add them up.

I ate 1,135 today..

Breakfast (11:30am): 1/2 apple, 1/2 cup grapes, 1/2 bagel, 1 tbs cream cheese: 270 calories.
Lunch (4:00pm): 2 slices whole wheat bread, 3 slices turkey, oikos yogurt, 1 banana: 500 calories.
Dinner (7:30pm): 4 strawberries, 1/2 cup grapes, fiber one bar: 215 calories.
Snack (9:00pm): goldfish: 150 calories.


My face is also breaking out from all the damn fruit I've been eating, lol.
I'm still working out every day, too. I can't seem to stop the impulse.
I'm also still losing weight, not gaining, which somehow makes this seem all pointless to me... I don't want to gain wait, but idk... I can't explain it..

I also went to Walmart last night for makeup and on an impulse bought diurex, the kind with no caffeine. I used to go through like 15-20 of those pills a day lol.. I only took 2 today.

I need to just stop.

2 posts; 1 day.

I'm feeling super overwhelmed today.. with food/negative thoughts. I posted my intake and since then it's been on my mind.. all that food.. it's all inside me you know? Just sitting there.. I feel like a fat fuck, but I'm trying to make myself feel happy and positive about it.... I weighed myself and I didn't gain anything but I still FEEL full and feel like I did. Idk what to do.
I can't.

normal-human eating day!

Saw the "WHAT DID YOU EAT TODAY!?" post on PT and was actual proud of putting my answer down. Not because it was super low in calories, but because of the opposite. I actually ate 2 normal sized, healthy meals and deviated from some of my safe foods.

Proud of myself!

Breakfast (11:30) : 1/2 bagel, 1 tbs cream cheese, 1/2 cup strawberries, 1/2 cup grapes, 1 cup coffee: 220 calories

Lunch (4:30): 2 slices whole wheat bread, 3 pieces turkey, oikos yogurt, 1 banana: 515 calories (GASP!)

Dinner (8:00): raspberry/blue berry smoothie.. store bought: 120 calories.

Total: 855 calories!

I know 855 calories isn't so normal-human or whatever, but still. Those are giant meals for me. 515 calories in one meal??? FUCK YEAH! I ate breakfast after I woke up and after I got ready for school.. School is from 1-4 (I have to leave my house at 11:30 to get there on time) but we finished early so I ate when I got home. It's just past 8 now, and I wasn't feeling hungry but I drank 8oz of this pre-made smoothie anyway.

happy. scared.

I really wish I could explain this good feeling I have! I think I feel happiness. I really do! I feel filled with God and peace and hope for my future. It feels great. I'm scared it won't last!


Since I started college, my ED has gone through cycles... I used to just restrict, and only restrict. But after college something changed, and my ED changed with it.. I would restrict for months, binge/purge for months (although I haven't purged for a long time!), then eat super healthy as an attempt to get out of the b/p cycle, and then eating healthy would become obsessive and I start restricting again... back down the rabbit hole.

I was binging like a boss (with very little purging) from probably October-December, restricting from January-February, then like, restricting very very badly-lost 15 pounds from March-May. And then I jumped to trying to eat a normal-healthy amount, instead of falling into a binging cycle. Technically my "healthy" eating isn't healthy, it's still 700-800 calories, but I'm trying, like I REALLY am trying. I deleted my weight loss app on my phone and I'm trying to weigh myself only twice a day. I still work out every day but I'm trying to let myself have a break. I still eat only my safe foods, and I'm going to definitely need help to get out of this, but I feel like I can get through it. I've never been so sure and focused on wanting recovery before. It sounds so corny, but I think that it was reconnecting with my faith has really played a part. I know I've said it before, but it's really the only change in my life that I've made, I can't see what else is pulling me to recovery.. it must be God.


I'm just scared this feeling is going to go away. And I'm scared I won't get help in time, and that I'll be back to restricting, and not wanting help, and miserable.. But I so so so want recovery and I want to be happy and feel like this everyday. Because loving yourself is what we're supposed to do.. because if you don't love yourself, who the hell is going to love you?

recovery

I'm very, very excited about recovery. It feels so good to be able to look forward to something positive. I feel happier, I really, really do, by just talking about getting healthy and being happy. I start summer school the 20th and after a week or so I'm going to talk to a therapist at my school and see what my options are. I'm really ready for this. I know I am. :)


I've wanted a tattoo for a few years now and I think it's going to be my present to myself if I actually go through recovery. I want a cross on my ribs.

=X

like, ready to vomit.
=X

Recovery/God/Sick

I haven't really told people this, well only one person but whatever. I've been thinking about recovery lately and the thoughts started when I started reading/studying the Bible again (that's the part I didn't tell people), and the feeling to recover has only gotten stronger as I continue to read and practice my faith each day. I've never been one to push my faith down people's throats, I hate when people do that, so I'm open to the suggestion that this correlation could be in my head, it definitely could be. But even so, does that matter? I literally feel happier. I feel like my life has done a complete 180 since devoting my life to God again. I honestly feel weird saying that, because I was one of those people who loved my relationship with God, but never really "felt" that power of God inside me... but I really, really feel like I can feel it! And now I understand why people "push it down people's throats." Because it feels amazing! I bet I sound like a loony tune/Crazy Christian, but I can't explain it any other way than that. I feel good, at least positive.

Maybe it's because school is basically over, this semester really frickin sucked for me, I was the most depressed I've ever been. Maybe it's the change of weather, 70+ degrees can put anyone in a good mood. Maybe this is just a manic-type phase and I'll crash again. But maybe it's not. Time will tell.

It scares me a bit how much this change in me has made me feel like I want recovery, but A LOT of me feels like I must not be that sick because of this complete turn around, ya know? The negative thoughts are still all there and my urge to over-exercise is still there, and I still do, but my behaviors have improved a lot, not healthy yet, still technically a starvation, but working on it and trying to add more healthy food and calories.... I feel like if I saw a therapist they would laugh at me and tell me I'm fine. After 7 years of suffering, I crack open the Bible again and suddenly I'm healed?? I must never have been sick! But I know that's just the ED-talking and that I do need help to change my unhealthy thoughts/actions.

But I really can't get over how genuinely happy and full of hope I feel. I feel happiness all inside me and I'm almost scared of it because I've never felt this for as long as I can remember. I think I'm going to for sure call the therapist when summer school starts. If this feel lasts, I like it and I want it.

Suffering happens

Jer 17:17

The path of the Christian is not always bright with sunshine; he has his seasons of darkness and of storm. True, it is written in God's Word, "Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace;" and it is a great truth, that religion is calculated to give a man happiness below as well as bliss above; but experience tells us that if the course of the just be "As the shining light that shineth more and more unto the perfect day," yet sometimes that light is eclipsed. At certain periods clouds cover the believer's sun, and he walks in darkness and sees no light. There are many who have rejoiced in the presence of God for a season; they have basked in the sunshine in the earlier stages of their Christian career; they have walked along the "green pastures" by the side of the "still waters," but suddenly they find the glorious sky is clouded; instead of the Land of Goshen they have to tread the sandy desert; in the place of sweet waters, they find troubled streams, bitter to their taste, and they say, "Surely, if I were a child of God, this would not happen." Oh! say not so, thou who art walking in darkness. The best of God's saints must drink the wormwood; the dearest of his children must bear the cross. No Christian has enjoyed perpetual prosperity; no believer can always keep his harp from the willows. Perhaps the Lord allotted you at first a smooth and unclouded path, because you were weak and timid. He tempered the wind to the shorn lamb, but now that you are stronger in the spiritual life, you must enter upon the riper and rougher experience of God's full-grown children. We need winds and tempests to exercise our faith, to tear off the rotten bough of self-dependence, and to root us more firmly in Christ. The day of evil reveals to us the value of our glorious hope.