PT is one of the things that keeps me sane. It keeps me grounded. It is honestly so comforting to know people in the same/similar situation that I am in. There are people there who would never judge me. They understand completely. They get it. Things they say are things that I think. I love it.
But PT is also triggering. It's the perfectionist qualities in me.. the competitiveness.. I read some of the posts of people who are super thin or have super "sick" thoughts, thoughts I have had in the past, and it's completely disgusting, but a part of me CRAVES to be like that again.. to eat nothing all day again.. to live on liquids just because I can, and to be different for it. It's so fucking comfortable, being sick, it's what I know how to do. It's easy and I'm good at it.
How fucked up is that?
A part of me wants to leave PT, but another part of me, a bigger part of me, wants to stay on it so I could be understood. It's like a family.. but it makes me get worse, and worse thoughts. I wanted recovery just a few days ago... now I don't.
I don't know what to do. I know what I should do. But I don't know what I want to do,
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
not into it anymore
Not into recovery anymore. Over it. I can't.
Can't do it.
Don't deserve it.
Sweet.
just kidding I want recovery..
Just kidding, I don't.
Wait, I do.
no.
yes.
My mind can't sleep.
Can't do it.
Don't deserve it.
Sweet.
just kidding I want recovery..
Just kidding, I don't.
Wait, I do.
no.
yes.
My mind can't sleep.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
trying
I'm trying so hard to fix this by myself.
Fruit-loading isn't so scary for me, because they're low cal and mostly water.
But the thoughts are still there and it's pissing me off.
I still add all my calories and I still freak the fuck out when I tally them and they pass 500.
It makes me crazy (but it's comforting!!) that I already know the calories in everything I eat and add them up.
I ate 1,135 today..
Breakfast (11:30am): 1/2 apple, 1/2 cup grapes, 1/2 bagel, 1 tbs cream cheese: 270 calories.
Lunch (4:00pm): 2 slices whole wheat bread, 3 slices turkey, oikos yogurt, 1 banana: 500 calories.
Dinner (7:30pm): 4 strawberries, 1/2 cup grapes, fiber one bar: 215 calories.
Snack (9:00pm): goldfish: 150 calories.
My face is also breaking out from all the damn fruit I've been eating, lol.
I'm still working out every day, too. I can't seem to stop the impulse.
I'm also still losing weight, not gaining, which somehow makes this seem all pointless to me... I don't want to gain wait, but idk... I can't explain it..
I also went to Walmart last night for makeup and on an impulse bought diurex, the kind with no caffeine. I used to go through like 15-20 of those pills a day lol.. I only took 2 today.
I need to just stop.
Fruit-loading isn't so scary for me, because they're low cal and mostly water.
But the thoughts are still there and it's pissing me off.
I still add all my calories and I still freak the fuck out when I tally them and they pass 500.
It makes me crazy (but it's comforting!!) that I already know the calories in everything I eat and add them up.
I ate 1,135 today..
Breakfast (11:30am): 1/2 apple, 1/2 cup grapes, 1/2 bagel, 1 tbs cream cheese: 270 calories.
Lunch (4:00pm): 2 slices whole wheat bread, 3 slices turkey, oikos yogurt, 1 banana: 500 calories.
Dinner (7:30pm): 4 strawberries, 1/2 cup grapes, fiber one bar: 215 calories.
Snack (9:00pm): goldfish: 150 calories.
My face is also breaking out from all the damn fruit I've been eating, lol.
I'm still working out every day, too. I can't seem to stop the impulse.
I'm also still losing weight, not gaining, which somehow makes this seem all pointless to me... I don't want to gain wait, but idk... I can't explain it..
I also went to Walmart last night for makeup and on an impulse bought diurex, the kind with no caffeine. I used to go through like 15-20 of those pills a day lol.. I only took 2 today.
I need to just stop.
Monday, May 20, 2013
2 posts; 1 day.
I'm feeling super overwhelmed today.. with food/negative thoughts. I posted my intake and since then it's been on my mind.. all that food.. it's all inside me you know? Just sitting there.. I feel like a fat fuck, but I'm trying to make myself feel happy and positive about it.... I weighed myself and I didn't gain anything but I still FEEL full and feel like I did. Idk what to do.
I can't.
I can't.
normal-human eating day!
Saw the "WHAT DID YOU EAT TODAY!?" post on PT and was actual proud of putting my answer down. Not because it was super low in calories, but because of the opposite. I actually ate 2 normal sized, healthy meals and deviated from some of my safe foods.
Proud of myself!
Breakfast (11:30) : 1/2 bagel, 1 tbs cream cheese, 1/2 cup strawberries, 1/2 cup grapes, 1 cup coffee: 220 calories
Lunch (4:30): 2 slices whole wheat bread, 3 pieces turkey, oikos yogurt, 1 banana: 515 calories (GASP!)
Dinner (8:00): raspberry/blue berry smoothie.. store bought: 120 calories.
Total: 855 calories!
I know 855 calories isn't so normal-human or whatever, but still. Those are giant meals for me. 515 calories in one meal??? FUCK YEAH! I ate breakfast after I woke up and after I got ready for school.. School is from 1-4 (I have to leave my house at 11:30 to get there on time) but we finished early so I ate when I got home. It's just past 8 now, and I wasn't feeling hungry but I drank 8oz of this pre-made smoothie anyway.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
happy. scared.
I really wish I could explain this good feeling I have! I think I feel happiness. I really do! I feel filled with God and peace and hope for my future. It feels great. I'm scared it won't last!
Since I started college, my ED has gone through cycles... I used to just restrict, and only restrict. But after college something changed, and my ED changed with it.. I would restrict for months, binge/purge for months (although I haven't purged for a long time!), then eat super healthy as an attempt to get out of the b/p cycle, and then eating healthy would become obsessive and I start restricting again... back down the rabbit hole.
I was binging like a boss (with very little purging) from probably October-December, restricting from January-February, then like, restricting very very badly-lost 15 pounds from March-May. And then I jumped to trying to eat a normal-healthy amount, instead of falling into a binging cycle. Technically my "healthy" eating isn't healthy, it's still 700-800 calories, but I'm trying, like I REALLY am trying. I deleted my weight loss app on my phone and I'm trying to weigh myself only twice a day. I still work out every day but I'm trying to let myself have a break. I still eat only my safe foods, and I'm going to definitely need help to get out of this, but I feel like I can get through it. I've never been so sure and focused on wanting recovery before. It sounds so corny, but I think that it was reconnecting with my faith has really played a part. I know I've said it before, but it's really the only change in my life that I've made, I can't see what else is pulling me to recovery.. it must be God.
I'm just scared this feeling is going to go away. And I'm scared I won't get help in time, and that I'll be back to restricting, and not wanting help, and miserable.. But I so so so want recovery and I want to be happy and feel like this everyday. Because loving yourself is what we're supposed to do.. because if you don't love yourself, who the hell is going to love you?
Since I started college, my ED has gone through cycles... I used to just restrict, and only restrict. But after college something changed, and my ED changed with it.. I would restrict for months, binge/purge for months (although I haven't purged for a long time!), then eat super healthy as an attempt to get out of the b/p cycle, and then eating healthy would become obsessive and I start restricting again... back down the rabbit hole.
I was binging like a boss (with very little purging) from probably October-December, restricting from January-February, then like, restricting very very badly-lost 15 pounds from March-May. And then I jumped to trying to eat a normal-healthy amount, instead of falling into a binging cycle. Technically my "healthy" eating isn't healthy, it's still 700-800 calories, but I'm trying, like I REALLY am trying. I deleted my weight loss app on my phone and I'm trying to weigh myself only twice a day. I still work out every day but I'm trying to let myself have a break. I still eat only my safe foods, and I'm going to definitely need help to get out of this, but I feel like I can get through it. I've never been so sure and focused on wanting recovery before. It sounds so corny, but I think that it was reconnecting with my faith has really played a part. I know I've said it before, but it's really the only change in my life that I've made, I can't see what else is pulling me to recovery.. it must be God.
I'm just scared this feeling is going to go away. And I'm scared I won't get help in time, and that I'll be back to restricting, and not wanting help, and miserable.. But I so so so want recovery and I want to be happy and feel like this everyday. Because loving yourself is what we're supposed to do.. because if you don't love yourself, who the hell is going to love you?
Saturday, May 11, 2013
recovery
I'm very, very excited about recovery. It feels so good to be able to look forward to something positive. I feel happier, I really, really do, by just talking about getting healthy and being happy. I start summer school the 20th and after a week or so I'm going to talk to a therapist at my school and see what my options are. I'm really ready for this. I know I am. :)
I've wanted a tattoo for a few years now and I think it's going to be my present to myself if I actually go through recovery. I want a cross on my ribs.
I've wanted a tattoo for a few years now and I think it's going to be my present to myself if I actually go through recovery. I want a cross on my ribs.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Recovery/God/Sick
I haven't really told people this, well only one person but whatever. I've been thinking about recovery lately and the thoughts started when I started reading/studying the Bible again (that's the part I didn't tell people), and the feeling to recover has only gotten stronger as I continue to read and practice my faith each day. I've never been one to push my faith down people's throats, I hate when people do that, so I'm open to the suggestion that this correlation could be in my head, it definitely could be. But even so, does that matter? I literally feel happier. I feel like my life has done a complete 180 since devoting my life to God again. I honestly feel weird saying that, because I was one of those people who loved my relationship with God, but never really "felt" that power of God inside me... but I really, really feel like I can feel it! And now I understand why people "push it down people's throats." Because it feels amazing! I bet I sound like a loony tune/Crazy Christian, but I can't explain it any other way than that. I feel good, at least positive.
Maybe it's because school is basically over, this semester really frickin sucked for me, I was the most depressed I've ever been. Maybe it's the change of weather, 70+ degrees can put anyone in a good mood. Maybe this is just a manic-type phase and I'll crash again. But maybe it's not. Time will tell.
It scares me a bit how much this change in me has made me feel like I want recovery, but A LOT of me feels like I must not be that sick because of this complete turn around, ya know? The negative thoughts are still all there and my urge to over-exercise is still there, and I still do, but my behaviors have improved a lot, not healthy yet, still technically a starvation, but working on it and trying to add more healthy food and calories.... I feel like if I saw a therapist they would laugh at me and tell me I'm fine. After 7 years of suffering, I crack open the Bible again and suddenly I'm healed?? I must never have been sick! But I know that's just the ED-talking and that I do need help to change my unhealthy thoughts/actions.
But I really can't get over how genuinely happy and full of hope I feel. I feel happiness all inside me and I'm almost scared of it because I've never felt this for as long as I can remember. I think I'm going to for sure call the therapist when summer school starts. If this feel lasts, I like it and I want it.
Maybe it's because school is basically over, this semester really frickin sucked for me, I was the most depressed I've ever been. Maybe it's the change of weather, 70+ degrees can put anyone in a good mood. Maybe this is just a manic-type phase and I'll crash again. But maybe it's not. Time will tell.
It scares me a bit how much this change in me has made me feel like I want recovery, but A LOT of me feels like I must not be that sick because of this complete turn around, ya know? The negative thoughts are still all there and my urge to over-exercise is still there, and I still do, but my behaviors have improved a lot, not healthy yet, still technically a starvation, but working on it and trying to add more healthy food and calories.... I feel like if I saw a therapist they would laugh at me and tell me I'm fine. After 7 years of suffering, I crack open the Bible again and suddenly I'm healed?? I must never have been sick! But I know that's just the ED-talking and that I do need help to change my unhealthy thoughts/actions.
But I really can't get over how genuinely happy and full of hope I feel. I feel happiness all inside me and I'm almost scared of it because I've never felt this for as long as I can remember. I think I'm going to for sure call the therapist when summer school starts. If this feel lasts, I like it and I want it.
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