flo-ry-da.

Just officially booked a trip to Florida this summer with 4 of my friends. =X I should be excited, yeah?.... Hmph. Idk idk idk. I'm horribly nervous. And feel like a cow already. I'm gonna have to wear a bathing suit, how horrifying. Crap crap crap. I am excited for the drive there and back, though.. I love love love long drives.. idky. They're calming, I think. Anyways, I know we're gonna have a lot of fun.. well, drunk tanning, at least. I'm nervous about eating in front of them. I hardly ever eat in front of anyone, ever.. with the exceptions of my family (hardly my mother because she always makes rude comments) and one of my best friends, who is going. My one friend who officially knows about my eating disorder (I think all my friends basically know now.. but the friend I drunkenly told only knows about how I had one freshmen year of high school) anyways, she can't go because she'll still be in school. I'm actually quite glad for that, because I know she'd bring it up (yeah, she's one of those friends lol). This is making me crazy just thinking about it. Holy butterflies in my stomach.

I must go back to watching the Hills.. god, Spencer is a little bitch.
Also, Grey's Anatomy the musical is on tonight and my best friend is coming over to watch and paint our nails (even though I did mine purple yesterday).

?

Just cried my eyes out because I THOUGHT about eating one chip. And I hate myself. I do nothing all day besides school.. I'm really a waste of space.. I would NEVER have pictured my life like this 5 years ago. I can't stand my mother.. I'm a bitch to her. I feel bad when I'm around my dad because I hate hurting myself and hurting him by hurting myself. And my sister... what a great fucking example I'm setting for her. She brought home McDonalds today with my mom and said to me, "I didn't call and ask if you wanted anything because you always say no." I'm a horrible person.  I want to get out of this body, I wish I had a family that liked me. Who I could talk to. Who could take care of me. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to talk to my friend who knows about my ed, but I chicken out every time. I want to tell her that my world is spinning and how I hate myself and, I don't even know. I feel like crying every moment of the day. This life sucks. I wish I could go back.

heartburn..

I've had heartburn for like, 3 days in a row now... well, 4 days in 3 minutes. I told my dad tonight because I was kinda scared and he said I better have my will made out.... lol.. and that he'd buy me some tums.

blah.

I don't even know. In such a bad place right now.. just yelled at my sister because she asked me to borrow my shoes.. I said no but then she sounded all sad so I just said she could have them and started crying. My life is pathetic. Blah blah blah. Been watching The Hills for 5 hours. My skin is a weird grey color.. I look disgusting. I wish my life was like The Hills and I would just worry about boys and friends and fashion all day. How easy would life be?.. unless I was Lauren Conrad... her life sucks right now. ;)

fu.

"You're not like, starving yourself, are you?"

.................. how great are my friends?
and holy shit, my stomach hurts.

good day/bad day.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
holy fuck today was... weird. I just need to write it down because it was so.. bizarre... not really but let me pretend. I woke up at 7 and checked my alarm which was set for 815 instead of 915.. so I was happy that I caught that. Went back to bed. Woke up, ate 3 bites of my banana for my dad, went to school. We were supposed to have a speaker come to my sociology class, or so I thought, but we ended up watching the documentary THIN with 2 other classes. Triggering, hello. So I felt all depressed and crappy through my renaissance class, which I love. Got home, drank some water, got my sister, watched TV. Then I got a call from my boss. I was so nervous because I thought I missed another shift. Wrong. I got a raise. :) (Not much to brag about, 25 cents lol) BUT WHATEVER. It made me happy. I also got a really amazing review by my boss which made me happier than the 25 cent raise lol. I was so happy I ate a yogurt, and now my stomach hurts, but I don't care. Today was just beyond weird. I have to pee.. whoopies. Haha um, going to go run on my treadmill... my mother is making chicken for dinner and I can't say that I care or that it smells good.. I'm going to my room I guess.
Also, I'm watching Marlee and Me, and Jennifer Aniston is super gorgeous.

can't think of an interesting title.

I actually ran this weekend. I fucking love running. I've decided Mondays are my days I don't run.. basically since I slept about 2 hours last night and I can barely hold my head up. I played volleyball with my sister outside today. I miss volleyball. I'm thinking of trying out for my college team this year. Volleyball makes me happy. We'll see. My friends invited me to Florida this year. Super stressing me out, idky. But I think about it all the time. I want to go and "have fun" but to be with that many people for a whole week? Holy mother of pearl it's making me anxious.
Watched 5 Harry Potter movies this weekend. Successful, yes? Dreading school tomorrow.. English and astronomy. Astronomy is SO boring I can't even explain. I did my homework for it though.
Didn't eat today. Don't plan on eating tomorrow. Something Wednesday, for sure. I think I ate yogurt yesterday. can't remember.. hmph. Duggars are on tonigh! Bahaha yay.. so is the Pretty Little Liars finale and Chelsea Lately.. love that bitch.
I swear too much.

pt tips.

Confuse me so much. If you have an eating disorder, you don't need tips.
Flag flag flag. =X


I'm cranky.  (:

yudfhisdhflkjhn.

He lives right across the street from me. How fucked up is that? The guy who abused me. What a slap in the fucking face. A constant reminder every time I walk outside. Every time our drapes are open.. There is his house. I was just thinking about how much that blows... I'd have thought he would have moved by now. Nope. And of course we didn't. Everyday I feel dirty and disgusting when I walk outside, when I wake up in the morning and sit in my living room. I want to crawl out of my own skin. I can see into his house and watch what he watches on TV... I don't know why that matters, I just want him gone. Whenever I see him, he won't look me in the fucking eyes. Man up you sack of shit. I hate him so much.. I can't even swear enough to get that point across. I almost hate him as much as I hate myself for letting him get to me so many times. Fucking bull shit. I wish his house would just disappear. And him. And me. Then I wouldn't have to think of that shit everyday. And think of if he watches me through his windows, watches my TV, spies on me, sees my family, my little sister. FUCKING fuck fuck fuck.

fuck fuck fuck.

Dying to know what I don't.. what I need to know and what I want to know. What will happen, why the hell does it all even fucking matter? What is the point of it all? I thought today was alright, but turns out I'm just a big fuck up as always. I don't know why I bother doing anything anymore or even try to do anything. I'm never good enough for anyone. Blah blah. I hate myself and my life. I don't even fucking care anymore. People just screw you over.. you can't trust anyone. People only care about themselves. Fuck life. Fuck insomnia. Fuck food. Fuck people. So done with this shit.

thank you, postsecret.

good.

Today was a fucking good day. No reason in particular, I just felt all floaty and happy and like everything was going to be great. And today, it was.

^how funny is that picture? is it little ice cream cookies, or giant colored, weird hamburgers. lol... so weird. =X