your love is my DRUGS.

Some secrets are too big to tell.
---


Anyway.
Took my Spanish test.
Placed in level 3, yay.
It's perfect. I love it. I love all my classes.
But I'm so anxious.
My constant need to always please people,
to stay invisible in a group, but stand out with grades
and being
perfect
is getting to me.
I just want to feel drunk,
feel not in control
because I always
Fuck
Things
Up.

NyQuil, here I come.

school

School started.
Hate French already.
Teacher literally taught us only the ABC's and the numbers 1-10, and then I look at our homework and it's a bunch of bull shit that I swear is for people who have been taking French all their lives. lol.
I'm taking the Spanish placement test tomorrow during the time that I should be going to French.
Oh well.
I'd rather join Spanish a bit late when I know I can catch up rather than trying to learn a whole new language when I'm 20 years old.
Which, btw, is virtually impossible for me.
Because I'm literally stupid.

I love school otherwise so far, mind you, I've only had 3 classes today, lol.
Tomorrow I have 2 new ones, not counting French, which is 4 days a week, and which I will be dropping.
I'll take Spanish at 9 am if I have to.
Maybe.
lol.

Loved all my professors so far, my French one was my favorite.. Shame I'm dropping it.
I'm just so stressed out already.
But.
I didn't have to eat today.
lawlzzzzzzzzz.
Just had a banana and my coffee at school.
Bliss.

Sad that not eating makes me happy.
But I'm sad, and so is my life.
Hardy har fucking har.

Things aren't good lately.
Whatever.
I don't deserve good, anyway.

always

“Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.
"After all this time?"
"Always," said Snape.” 
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows



“Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.” 
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

getting everything off my mind... GO

-want to get a tattoo. cross with 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 on it. My favorite Bible verse.
-nervous about school.
-nervous about what to wear to school.
-nervous to make teachers like me.
-nervous everyone will think i'm a fat, uncontrollable slob.
-nervous to not get straight A's and keep my GPA up.
-nervous that I won't make friends.
-i have a headache.
-i can sleep as long as i want tomorrow.
-i need to go back to the mall tomorrow to get a skirt i love.. my grandma always tells me that if you're still in love with it a few days later, go back and buy it.

NyQuil.

Shit little thing.
Chugged some and it made me gag, tastes like minty shit.
Chased it with OJ, which made it worse, lol.
Feel like I'm gonna barf, but at least I'll be asleep soon.
Sooner than I thought, I'm feeling woozy already.
Woozy drunk.
And I like it.

I'm really starting to get pissed off that I can't see this "thin" girl other people see.
Even strangers.
"She's about as thin as you and she's 50, she runs marathons."    *dies inside as they check me out*


Where is she when I look into the mirror????
It's literally driving me insane trying to find her.



I feel awful, I want to cry.. Someone I look up to is starting to figure out how I tick- how I'm losing weight and noticing. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that this is who I am compared to this person. They actually like me as an individual, respect me, etc. And this is what I do.

Fuck me.

2 a day workouts.

I've been home sick this week and literally did not work out once because I couldn't get up because of a freaking cold. Work sucked, I sucked, I was in a fog all week. But now I'm better and I need to kick my ass back into shape because I'm positive I gained 20 pounds these past 5 days.


Anyway, going to the gym twice everyday this week. It's all worked out with my friend and everything. I'll do my typical workout at home, running and calisthenics and my bike, and then hit the gym with her "to do weights" (which is what I'll tell my parents when I leave) at night. I normally wouldn't care to lie to my parents about going to the gym because they like when I go, but my sister is home with me in the morning and she'll be like, "YOU ALREADY WORKED OUT THIS MORNING WHY ARE YOU GOING AGAIN?" So, yeah.

I feel like shit and I'm not going to embarrass myself by going to another new school fat.
I just want to vanish.
I just want to be gone.

By the way, did you lose weight? *looks you up and down*

Um, no.. no, not really. *checks self out*

Oh... *checks you out*... okay.

down down down

thestomachisonlythesizeofyourfist.

Really struggling, not like before, it's worse. I can't describe. This time, it's different. I don't care who notices, who sees...

 I just want to disappear and want people to just let me go. It will be better off for everyone.

I can barely place thoughts into words, I'm sorry.

The only thing keeping me eating before running  is that I don't want my sister to see me faint. She's the one I'm trying to protect. She's the only one home when I run. I hope she doesn't notice how little I eat.

I don't know what is different this time. Usually I have an idea of what triggered me. This time, I don't.

I haven't bit my nails in over 3 weeks.

I want coffee.