you know you're fucked up...

... when you have a constant headache.
... when you over act your laughs or smiles so people think they are genuine and that you're happy.
... when the only time you eat is in front of your family, just so they don't worry.
... when the most important things are no longer important to you.
... when even water scares you.
... when sleeping is your only escape.
... when you can only sleep by taking sleeping meds.

shizzzzzzz.

something about winter always makes me take my not eating to the extreme. It's literally every winter like clockwork, something in my brain just snaps and makes me cut down even more.

Broke down and bought diet pills again last night, although I swore I'd never take them again.
lol. I tell people on PT not to use them, that they don't work, that they have bad side effects... but I'm taking them myself.


Anyhoo00oo0o0oooooo...

My parents are fighting upstairs.
I'm cold downstairs.

why

I want to fall in love and go to Paris.
And have a life.

But I'm so scared.
Whenever a guy looks at me and makes it clear he's interested, I back off.

Why why why why why.

weeeerk.

So emotionally exhausted. Seriously.
Hiding a bunch of work drama from my parents. I really just don't feel like explaining, it's not even a big deal to anyone but me. But sometimes it's nice to vent to them about work, because it's a slice of my life that I actually share with them.
I've been pretending to be happy for so long now, longer than I can even remember, but work was actually the one place that generally made me happy. My co-workers are/weregreat people. Not I can't trust anyone... only really 2 people, and 1 only works there a few times a month. And having to fake be happy and polite and cheery to all of them is draining.
It's only 11 pm and I'm completely wiped out.
It just makes me so upset bc I used to love going to work and now I get all anxious and upset about going in and I couldn't sleep last night because I didn't wanna go to work. The last 2 times I've been at work I've cried. And I am not the kind of person who shows that I'm upset around people.
They don't have me on the schedule tomorrow.
And I'm only working a few hours next week.
I feel like I'm being pushed out.
I just want to cry.

And none of this makes any sense to anyone but me.

lol.

On the bright side, my bingeing has basically stopped and now I'm back to restricting.

this just needs to stop.
i should be banished from the earth.

:(

I hate that people change.

There's only been 1 consistent friend in my life.

I hate that people change and you can't rely on them anymore.

I feel like I lost a piece of me.

Things are different.

I need to take lax but I'm holding off until Thursday.

I need to go to bed.

I need to study.

I just desperately want to be alone.

If I have no friends no one can hurt me.

They don't even know what they're doing.

I've been super out of control with eating.

I'm less restrictive and I'm binging almost every night..

or whenever I can get a chance, really..

I do it at night because I'm alone and I can push the wrappers or boxes to the bottom of the trash.

Or I do it when my family leaves the house for a bit.

I just need that constant stimulation or I'm a nervous wreck, thinking about it until I shove something in my mouth.

Tomorrow I'm not eating

But I've said that for four mornings...

What's happening to me?

I need control back in my life but everything is spiraling.

School controls everything I do.. whether or not I sleep, go out, watch TV, spend time with my family or 'friends'.. whether or not I can work out or prepare my meals.

School is disruptive and I can't wait until 5 weeks is over and I can go back to my routine.

I'm going crazy.