junk

PT is triggering me the fuck off tonight
and all of the topics
every
single
one

are pissing me off.


Binged and purged literally all day today
and I have killer cramps
laxatives cramps plus period cramps,
plus puking.
fucking mess.
fucking sick.
fucking spider in the basement.

lol.

I was laying in the basement after a nap,
and I sit up and see this bitch of a spider crawling all over the pillow my head was just on.
I jumped the hell up and IT FUCKING JUMPED TOO!
Landed on my fucking phone, so I blew the little bastard off and grabbed the phone, the dog, and the laptop and ran the fuck upstairs.
Bugs are the one type of bitches I don't fuck with.
... as if I'm some fucking macho bitch who beats the shit out of everything....
lol.


I love the work FUCK FUCK FUCK.



i want to say everything, but nothings coming out.

never again

my mother can't spend one hour with me without being completely miserable.
I did nothing.. I thought we were having a good time... with my sister, too.
.. And I hear her complaining about me on the phone and she made me
cry in the store
so we
left.

maybe

I don't know who
I am
or where I'm
going

but I know it's not
up.

Maybe,
if the world stops spinning,

maybe,
it will all
stop.

cutcutcuts

hello scissors
I've missed
you so.


Idk why I cut with scissors.
I suppose I should invest in a proper blade
but I don't trust myself
enough
to stop.

The scissors are sharp enough to
see blood
but dull enough so I can't go far enough to
kill.

"you look so gaunt with your hair up.
keep it down."


Today is the last day I'm taking sleeping meds.
I don't deserve to sleep.
But I love being numb.
And floaty.

I really cannot express how much I love to be asleep
and away from myself.
If I could be like that forever I would
Everlasting rest.

I guess it will come soon enough.

drunkkJ

sio drunik. i wajust want to diw.e.
bababa mmust shouikd go to sleep i habe HAVE 3 finalsd tomorrow@@!

sleep

I have to study.
I just got coffee with my best friend and I'm all jittery, the result of not eating today. But I feel awake.

But I just want to down my pills and sleep. Thank god for my "friend" who provides them to me. He's all I need, really.. his pills.

I fucking love being unconscious like that, I sometimes wish that sleeping is all life is.. actually I always wish that lol.
I just want to sleep and be forgotten about and forget about everything and everyone.

I have no problems when I sleep, ya know, I'm just nothing and no one is anything.. It's like I'm not me. I have no problems, and my real life is a nightmare anyway so really nothing scares me more than being awake.



I saw him today when I got home half an hour ago. He was sitting in his car and I pulled up and he saw me.. well he lives right across from me how could he not see me? I froze but I didn't want to show him fear so I grabbed my shit and walked to my door. I could feel his evil eyes watching me and I've never felt so dirty or disgusting. I'm damaged and used goods, whose gonna want that?

I just want my life to be different.



I know EVERYONE has fucking problems, but why the fuck was I dealt these cards?? WHY FUCKING ME. If "I could handle it," I'd be doing a much fucking better job than I am.


I wish I were anyone else.

dumb stix

I never thought my anorexia would turn into bulimia... or at least "real" purging, purging-type anorexia, instead of working out to purge... and I never thought that would turn into my daily routine of starving myself until my parents go to bed at 9 so that I could wait until 10, pop sleeping pills, and stuff my face with anything I can find.

I guess since anorexia wouldn't kill me, maybe I'm eating myself to death and I'll go out that way... at least, I'm trying to rationalize the change in me and why things are changing this way..

I just want to not fucking feel. And not eating makes me numb. And so does sleeping. And eating until I'm fucking full makes me hate myself and feel disgusting and a mess and a fat pig and hate everyone.

Maybe I'll torture myself and make myself try to stay away with these pills kicking in. That will show me.



EDIT/ADD:

Sooo it's later and I took 4 PM advil instead of my normal sleeping pills because I want to save those for a night when my parents work so they don't notice me sleeping all day but damn these are working mighty damn fine.

I feel drunk as fuck and when I move my head I get reaaaaal nice and dizzy. I could fall asleep now but I won't.

It's like my insides go numb first on these and like I should stop breathing because I can't feel it, but I'm still breathing. lol.