2720 calories

So today I woke up.

I ate 3 chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast.. 600 calories
On the train I had 80 calorie fruit snacks.
In class I had 1/3 a medium coffee with cream and sugar from Dunkin Donuts... 120 calories.
And a Fiber One bar.. 140 calories.
Then I had a Veggie Subway Sandwich with a friend around 2.... 350 calories.
I came home and went to Noodles and Co with a friend at 5..
---Ate a small serving of the spaghetti and meatballs.... 570 calories
Then on the way home at 7 I got a kiddie meal cheeseburger and frosty from Wendys... 290 for the burger, 320 for the fries, 250.

2,720 calories today.


And I'm still not full.
And I'm planning on what else to eat.

Nothing can fill this emptiness inside.
I can not feel a single thing.

What am I?
Who am I?


I'm getting drunk tomorrow.

hopefully

Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.

sick

I was sick for about 10 days.
Nothing major... except my throat felt on fire, I had to blow my nose every 5 seconds, I couldn't sleep, my body ached, I had a migraine for 2 days.
Anyway. I don't mean to complain, but it was awful.
I lost about 5 pounds.. I could hardly eat. My face looks pretty sick.
And pale.
Wonderful.
All the color I gained from this summer is gone and I'm back to my grey-white self.
Ugly.
Self.

I can't wait until I can start running again.
I feel TONS better, even since yesterday.. Like 60% better than I did yesterday.
It went away as fast as it came on, which is good.

Anyway, I have a big research to psych test that I'm studying for.
Buh-byeeeeee.

Hard to find the words when
You've got so far to fall
Just trying to keep a secret
And never tell a sole, no no
And take another drink so
I can lose control.

help

Where would I be now if I didn't stop eating that day in high school?

Where would I be if I fought the voices?

How much time would I have spent being happy instead of depressed?

Cut 6 years later.

I'm in the same place I was then.

Stuck with the same feelings.

How come I can admit everything to myself, but nothing to anyone else?
I want to get help, I really do.

I'm ready to kick this thing in the ass.

But I can't ever picture myself talking to anyone.

I know I won't, but I'm getting close to cracking.

I know a new low is coming.

I can feel myself about to snap

crumble

collapse.

Someone will have to be there to put me back together

because

I'm not strong enough this time.




---
Sophie's family don't understand it 
Gave her all that they had 
And her sister won't stop cryin' 
'cause her father says she's dyin' 
Sophie says she's really tryin' 
Problem is, sophie's lying

your love is my DRUGS.

Some secrets are too big to tell.
---


Anyway.
Took my Spanish test.
Placed in level 3, yay.
It's perfect. I love it. I love all my classes.
But I'm so anxious.
My constant need to always please people,
to stay invisible in a group, but stand out with grades
and being
perfect
is getting to me.
I just want to feel drunk,
feel not in control
because I always
Fuck
Things
Up.

NyQuil, here I come.

school

School started.
Hate French already.
Teacher literally taught us only the ABC's and the numbers 1-10, and then I look at our homework and it's a bunch of bull shit that I swear is for people who have been taking French all their lives. lol.
I'm taking the Spanish placement test tomorrow during the time that I should be going to French.
Oh well.
I'd rather join Spanish a bit late when I know I can catch up rather than trying to learn a whole new language when I'm 20 years old.
Which, btw, is virtually impossible for me.
Because I'm literally stupid.

I love school otherwise so far, mind you, I've only had 3 classes today, lol.
Tomorrow I have 2 new ones, not counting French, which is 4 days a week, and which I will be dropping.
I'll take Spanish at 9 am if I have to.
Maybe.
lol.

Loved all my professors so far, my French one was my favorite.. Shame I'm dropping it.
I'm just so stressed out already.
But.
I didn't have to eat today.
lawlzzzzzzzzz.
Just had a banana and my coffee at school.
Bliss.

Sad that not eating makes me happy.
But I'm sad, and so is my life.
Hardy har fucking har.

Things aren't good lately.
Whatever.
I don't deserve good, anyway.