I WANT TO RUN, DAMNIT.

It's so hard not to run today and give myself a day off. I keep getting up to change into my workout clothes but then I keep convincing myself to sit back down.
It's the little wins that matter. :)

emotional roller coaster.

WHEW dog today was... weird.
Woke up at 7:30 exhausted, but wide awake, if that makes sense. I couldn't fall back to sleep although I desperately wanted to. I ate some grapes, strawberries, and watermelon and started to feel like shit. I drank coffee and 2 bottles of water (I went to an amusement park the day before and hadn't drank anything so I was pretty dehydrated) and still felt like shit. The only thing I ate yesterday was half of my sister's cheeseburger, which tasted like absolute garbage.
I ditched school this morning. I was too tired to go. I took a shower at 9 and felt more awake/better so I popped two 10mg ritalin  and tried studying.
Then I felt like shit. I studied for maybe 2 hours before I had to go lay down. I was nauseous the whole time and, pooping like crazy... lol. I think it was the weird burger.
The ritalin doesn't last very long on me, or even have that strong of an effect like adderall or vyvanse does, so by the time I felt better, an hour or so later, I no longer wanted to, or had the motivation, to study... so I didn't, although I have a shit ton of work to get done.
So I cried.
I wanted to drop out of school so badly. Or just take a break. I'm so tired, SO tired and my parents can't tell or can't see it because I'm good at hiding it.. but I just want a few moments to myself, to be completely selfish and not work or go to school. But if I take a break from school that adds another year to my graduation date, which I had already added 2 years to when I added nutrition as a major...  I have 3 more years left of school... and that will make 6 years of college. Fuck, that's a long time... I can't add another year to that.
I want to quit my job, too, but I love the people I work with (most of the time), and it's hard for me to actually follow through with quitting, although deep down it's what I've wanted to do for months. It's also nice to have money coming in...

I just don't know what to do. I know what I want but I'm too afraid to give it to myself.

Then, surprisingly, after feeling like shit and crying all day, I felt better around 5 and watched America's Next Top Model and stupid shows.


I JUST WANT MY HEAD TO FUCKING QUIET, FOR 2 GODDAMN MINUTES, PLEASE.

hatemylife

worked out for 3 hours today

oops.

vom.com

Spent the last few days binging and purging like a mother fucker. Woe is my life.
-__-



I don't want to hate myself anymore.

PT

PT is one of the things that keeps me sane. It keeps me grounded. It is honestly so comforting to know people in the same/similar situation that I am in. There are people there who would never judge me. They understand completely. They get it. Things they say are things that I think. I love it.

But PT is also triggering. It's the perfectionist qualities in me.. the competitiveness.. I read some of the posts of people who are super thin or have super "sick" thoughts, thoughts I have had in the past, and it's completely disgusting, but a part of me CRAVES to be like that again.. to eat nothing all day again.. to live on liquids just because I can, and to be different for it. It's so fucking comfortable, being sick, it's what I know how to do. It's easy and I'm good at it.

How fucked up is that?

A part of me wants to leave PT, but another part of me, a bigger part of me, wants to stay on it so I could  be understood. It's like a family.. but it makes me get worse, and worse thoughts. I wanted recovery just a few days ago... now I don't.

I don't know what to do. I know what I should do. But I don't know what I want to do,

not into it anymore

Not into recovery anymore. Over it. I can't.
Can't do it.
Don't deserve it.
Sweet.

just kidding I want recovery..

Just kidding, I don't.

Wait, I do.
no.
yes.


My mind can't sleep.