listentotheworldsimnotsaying

dirty

Thinking about things tonight... Something I hadn't remembered about what happened came into my head.


If I said no he would always tell me, "I'll tell your parents." "I'll tell your mom." "I'll tell your dad."


Like it was my fault.
Like I was doing something I shouldn't have been doing.
Like I was the one in the wrong.
Maybe I was? Why was I so scared he would tell my family?


Maybe I was the guilty one.

old people.

today has been weird. I was okay today, eating fruits, running-ish (I still have a cold so it was more like, running *blowing nose* running, *blowing nose*....

I'm so fucking tired.. always so tired I'm never *fine.*

So.. I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
I don't want to eat tomorrow.
I don't want to eat ever.


I really fucking hate eating. I'd rather drink, or just..... just do nothing.

I always knew food scared me, but I never thought about how much I just physically hate eating.


I wish I lived by myself.
Or was just by myself.
I am by myself, I suppose I don't have to wish it.

apparently no one can see.

17.3

goodbye more 6 pounds.

hello to hating myself.
hello to being depressed.
hello crying in the bathroom at work.
hello no energy to go to school...
                        or do anything else but sleep.
hello hating everyone.
hello walking into grocery stores just to stare at food.

goodbye life.





Had an awful month. March march march madness.
April hasn't had a great start.
Maybe tomorrow.

I took like 6 laxatives and nothing happened.
Maybe I should eat and I'd get something other than stomach cramps all night.
Die.


I wish I could figure myself out.

End of the rode.
lol, road.