you know you're fucked up...

... when you have a constant headache.
... when you over act your laughs or smiles so people think they are genuine and that you're happy.
... when the only time you eat is in front of your family, just so they don't worry.
... when the most important things are no longer important to you.
... when even water scares you.
... when sleeping is your only escape.
... when you can only sleep by taking sleeping meds.

shizzzzzzz.

something about winter always makes me take my not eating to the extreme. It's literally every winter like clockwork, something in my brain just snaps and makes me cut down even more.

Broke down and bought diet pills again last night, although I swore I'd never take them again.
lol. I tell people on PT not to use them, that they don't work, that they have bad side effects... but I'm taking them myself.


Anyhoo00oo0o0oooooo...

My parents are fighting upstairs.
I'm cold downstairs.

why

I want to fall in love and go to Paris.
And have a life.

But I'm so scared.
Whenever a guy looks at me and makes it clear he's interested, I back off.

Why why why why why.

weeeerk.

So emotionally exhausted. Seriously.
Hiding a bunch of work drama from my parents. I really just don't feel like explaining, it's not even a big deal to anyone but me. But sometimes it's nice to vent to them about work, because it's a slice of my life that I actually share with them.
I've been pretending to be happy for so long now, longer than I can even remember, but work was actually the one place that generally made me happy. My co-workers are/weregreat people. Not I can't trust anyone... only really 2 people, and 1 only works there a few times a month. And having to fake be happy and polite and cheery to all of them is draining.
It's only 11 pm and I'm completely wiped out.
It just makes me so upset bc I used to love going to work and now I get all anxious and upset about going in and I couldn't sleep last night because I didn't wanna go to work. The last 2 times I've been at work I've cried. And I am not the kind of person who shows that I'm upset around people.
They don't have me on the schedule tomorrow.
And I'm only working a few hours next week.
I feel like I'm being pushed out.
I just want to cry.

And none of this makes any sense to anyone but me.

lol.

On the bright side, my bingeing has basically stopped and now I'm back to restricting.

this just needs to stop.
i should be banished from the earth.

:(

I hate that people change.

There's only been 1 consistent friend in my life.

I hate that people change and you can't rely on them anymore.

I feel like I lost a piece of me.

Things are different.

I need to take lax but I'm holding off until Thursday.

I need to go to bed.

I need to study.

I just desperately want to be alone.

If I have no friends no one can hurt me.

They don't even know what they're doing.

I've been super out of control with eating.

I'm less restrictive and I'm binging almost every night..

or whenever I can get a chance, really..

I do it at night because I'm alone and I can push the wrappers or boxes to the bottom of the trash.

Or I do it when my family leaves the house for a bit.

I just need that constant stimulation or I'm a nervous wreck, thinking about it until I shove something in my mouth.

Tomorrow I'm not eating

But I've said that for four mornings...

What's happening to me?

I need control back in my life but everything is spiraling.

School controls everything I do.. whether or not I sleep, go out, watch TV, spend time with my family or 'friends'.. whether or not I can work out or prepare my meals.

School is disruptive and I can't wait until 5 weeks is over and I can go back to my routine.

I'm going crazy.

most random blog post in the history of blog posts

I feel like I need to write but I don't know what to write about.
I can feel things pent up inside but I can't tell what they are.
It's silly.
I don't think there is a feeling for what I am, or for what I feel.
So I'm just gonna write and see what comes out...
--

I feel like I was never a dreamer. I was always a realist. I mean for the most part I had a kick ass childhood.. I explored the world (basically my backyard and my street) but still I don't remember thinking about anything extraordinary or exciting. Just your typical childhood in a quiet neighborhood in the city. Shame, nothing exciting ever really happened. Or, did it? And I'm just too "grown-up" to look back on my childhood ambitions? Either way it's sad. I want to be as carefree as I was then, but I want to go back and be able to think that nothing is impossible, that I can live any way that I want to and always be happy.. I was a really happy kid up until I was 9 (even after that, but.. never mind).
--

After reading some things, I feel like everyone is suffering. That everyone thinks that their life sucks. That everyone goes to bed crying and wakes up and slaps a smile on their faces and goes about their day. Everyone has problems. Not everyone is perfect. Only a select few are happy. So why is it so hard for people to relate to one another? Why do we all try to hard to act like everything is okay, when really everything is falling apart?
--

I hate being bored and having nothing to do. It drives me nuts and makes me think. I hate sitting still and not bettering myself. Took 2 tests today and now I have nothing to do. I want my grades on those tests.
--

I had a dream last night that me and a bunch of people (6) were looking for the train stop. We accidentally took the bus into a neighborhood that we didn't know and then we wandered inside a huge department store looking for someone to help, but no one would, and those people who actually acknowledged us didn't have the answer. We finally found a woman who pointed us in the right direction, and the train stop was right outside one of the exits in the building, oddly next to some country from Disneys 'It's a Small World.' It was weird. When we got there and realized it was It's a Small World, I woke up. I never found out if we all made it home, if the train even came.

That got me thinking, I guess. There are gonna be people in life who ignore me, who see me but can't help, or don't want to help, are scared of me, and there are going to be people who will try to help me, but don't k now how. Or people who point me in the right direction, but then it's up to me to figure out how to make my way out of this mess.
--
I can read forever. Finished 5 books on the train last week and 2 so far this week. Reading always has been my escape when things got too hard.