uhglfshgljkfhglf.

literally squirming in my own skin.
i want out out out.
sitting here all day, i keep moving around to try and get away from myself
but i just fucking fucking fucking can't.


fuck someone just take me away, please.


please please please.


just make it stop.
i want to stop.

happiness? what's this?

i'm tired of running to the bathroom to cry because i'm too exhausted from pretending to be happy.


i hate crying over the silliest things, because those things are the only thing that i'll allow myself to cry over.

thishurtstoomuch.

not good.
so tired.

WHAT

In my abnormal psych class today, my professor was like, "Does anyone know what amenorrhea is?" And I just said, "The loss of your period." And he was shocked anyone knew the answer and asked me how I knew what it was. I was like, "Uhh, I don't know!" And I chuckled.

Situation averted.



Now he wasn't talking about ED's. He was talking about somatoform disorders. But still.

postsecret

thinking I suppose.

Valley of the Shadow by Thomas Newman.

...Makes me want to float away.
Or just be a shadow. Invisible. Free. Dancing in the wind.


You know, energy can't be created or destroyed. So when you die, your energy is still hanging around. What if I have no energy left to give.. I wonder... If someone is really calm or exhausted or just lazy, is there potential energy less an active persons? If I become less active, still even, when I'm about to die, can my energy just fade away into nothingness.....

I don't know why I think these things.
I don't know why I think a lot of things, to be honest.
I think too much, I think.


I'm pretty self-centered in my thoughts. I always think people are looking at me, but really they are not and could give two shits about me. I give a lot more to others, I'm actually a really generous person. I was thinking about what is good about myself last night and that's all that I could think of. I'm generous. I suppose that's a good quality to have. But I don't have much else good about me.

I had some peanut butter this morning. Just a little taste.. and now that's all I can smell. It's very weird. lol.


I'm growing very tired of a lot of things in myself. I need to get out of my own head. I'm becoming more and more overwhelmed with myself and it's taking it's toll.

I don't know why I blog, really.

she's gonna start running?
i'm gonna start running further.


Took too much Tylenol in the past 2 days (awful cramps). I just kept taking them without thinking, I was in so much pain, I get disgustingly horrible cramps. Anyway, I passed out a bit in the car yesterday with my friend and threw up in an alley so she wouldn't take me to get my stomach pumped.. she brought it to my attention that Tylenol can be deadly lol.. I was fine last night after that but I was having symptoms when I woke up this morning... Loss of appetite (lol), nausea, going number 2 (ew)... so  I called poison control because my friend said I could get liver failure.

I'm so relieved, they said as long as I didn't take 24 or more, I'm okay.
I think I took 23.. I might have taken 24 but I can't remember for sure.

Makes me realize how much I don't want to actually die.