sio drunik. i wajust want to diw.e.
bababa mmust shouikd go to sleep i habe HAVE 3 finalsd tomorrow@@!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
sleep
I have to study.
I just got coffee with my best friend and I'm all jittery, the result of not eating today. But I feel awake.
But I just want to down my pills and sleep. Thank god for my "friend" who provides them to me. He's all I need, really.. his pills.
I fucking love being unconscious like that, I sometimes wish that sleeping is all life is.. actually I always wish that lol.
I just want to sleep and be forgotten about and forget about everything and everyone.
I have no problems when I sleep, ya know, I'm just nothing and no one is anything.. It's like I'm not me. I have no problems, and my real life is a nightmare anyway so really nothing scares me more than being awake.
I saw him today when I got home half an hour ago. He was sitting in his car and I pulled up and he saw me.. well he lives right across from me how could he not see me? I froze but I didn't want to show him fear so I grabbed my shit and walked to my door. I could feel his evil eyes watching me and I've never felt so dirty or disgusting. I'm damaged and used goods, whose gonna want that?
I just want my life to be different.
I know EVERYONE has fucking problems, but why the fuck was I dealt these cards?? WHY FUCKING ME. If "I could handle it," I'd be doing a much fucking better job than I am.
I wish I were anyone else.
I just got coffee with my best friend and I'm all jittery, the result of not eating today. But I feel awake.
But I just want to down my pills and sleep. Thank god for my "friend" who provides them to me. He's all I need, really.. his pills.
I fucking love being unconscious like that, I sometimes wish that sleeping is all life is.. actually I always wish that lol.
I just want to sleep and be forgotten about and forget about everything and everyone.
I have no problems when I sleep, ya know, I'm just nothing and no one is anything.. It's like I'm not me. I have no problems, and my real life is a nightmare anyway so really nothing scares me more than being awake.
I saw him today when I got home half an hour ago. He was sitting in his car and I pulled up and he saw me.. well he lives right across from me how could he not see me? I froze but I didn't want to show him fear so I grabbed my shit and walked to my door. I could feel his evil eyes watching me and I've never felt so dirty or disgusting. I'm damaged and used goods, whose gonna want that?
I just want my life to be different.
I know EVERYONE has fucking problems, but why the fuck was I dealt these cards?? WHY FUCKING ME. If "I could handle it," I'd be doing a much fucking better job than I am.
I wish I were anyone else.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
dumb stix
I never thought my anorexia would turn into bulimia... or at least "real" purging, purging-type anorexia, instead of working out to purge... and I never thought that would turn into my daily routine of starving myself until my parents go to bed at 9 so that I could wait until 10, pop sleeping pills, and stuff my face with anything I can find.
I guess since anorexia wouldn't kill me, maybe I'm eating myself to death and I'll go out that way... at least, I'm trying to rationalize the change in me and why things are changing this way..
I just want to not fucking feel. And not eating makes me numb. And so does sleeping. And eating until I'm fucking full makes me hate myself and feel disgusting and a mess and a fat pig and hate everyone.
Maybe I'll torture myself and make myself try to stay away with these pills kicking in. That will show me.
EDIT/ADD:
Sooo it's later and I took 4 PM advil instead of my normal sleeping pills because I want to save those for a night when my parents work so they don't notice me sleeping all day but damn these are working mighty damn fine.
I feel drunk as fuck and when I move my head I get reaaaaal nice and dizzy. I could fall asleep now but I won't.
It's like my insides go numb first on these and like I should stop breathing because I can't feel it, but I'm still breathing. lol.
I guess since anorexia wouldn't kill me, maybe I'm eating myself to death and I'll go out that way... at least, I'm trying to rationalize the change in me and why things are changing this way..
I just want to not fucking feel. And not eating makes me numb. And so does sleeping. And eating until I'm fucking full makes me hate myself and feel disgusting and a mess and a fat pig and hate everyone.
Maybe I'll torture myself and make myself try to stay away with these pills kicking in. That will show me.
EDIT/ADD:
Sooo it's later and I took 4 PM advil instead of my normal sleeping pills because I want to save those for a night when my parents work so they don't notice me sleeping all day but damn these are working mighty damn fine.
I feel drunk as fuck and when I move my head I get reaaaaal nice and dizzy. I could fall asleep now but I won't.
It's like my insides go numb first on these and like I should stop breathing because I can't feel it, but I'm still breathing. lol.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
dirty
Thinking about things tonight... Something I hadn't remembered about what happened came into my head.
If I said no he would always tell me, "I'll tell your parents." "I'll tell your mom." "I'll tell your dad."
Like it was my fault.
Like I was doing something I shouldn't have been doing.
Like I was the one in the wrong.
Maybe I was? Why was I so scared he would tell my family?
Maybe I was the guilty one.
If I said no he would always tell me, "I'll tell your parents." "I'll tell your mom." "I'll tell your dad."
Like it was my fault.
Like I was doing something I shouldn't have been doing.
Like I was the one in the wrong.
Maybe I was? Why was I so scared he would tell my family?
Maybe I was the guilty one.
Monday, April 16, 2012
old people.
today has been weird. I was okay today, eating fruits, running-ish (I still have a cold so it was more like, running *blowing nose* running, *blowing nose*....
I'm so fucking tired.. always so tired I'm never *fine.*
So.. I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
I don't want to eat tomorrow.
I don't want to eat ever.
I really fucking hate eating. I'd rather drink, or just..... just do nothing.
I always knew food scared me, but I never thought about how much I just physically hate eating.
I wish I lived by myself.
Or was just by myself.
I am by myself, I suppose I don't have to wish it.
apparently no one can see.
I'm so fucking tired.. always so tired I'm never *fine.*
So.. I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
I don't want to eat tomorrow.
I don't want to eat ever.
I really fucking hate eating. I'd rather drink, or just..... just do nothing.
I always knew food scared me, but I never thought about how much I just physically hate eating.
I wish I lived by myself.
Or was just by myself.
I am by myself, I suppose I don't have to wish it.
apparently no one can see.
Monday, April 2, 2012
17.3
goodbye more 6 pounds.
hello to hating myself.
hello to being depressed.
hello crying in the bathroom at work.
hello no energy to go to school...
or do anything else but sleep.
hello hating everyone.
hello walking into grocery stores just to stare at food.
goodbye life.
Had an awful month. March march march madness.
April hasn't had a great start.
Maybe tomorrow.
I took like 6 laxatives and nothing happened.
Maybe I should eat and I'd get something other than stomach cramps all night.
Die.
I wish I could figure myself out.
End of the rode.
lol, road.
hello to hating myself.
hello to being depressed.
hello crying in the bathroom at work.
hello no energy to go to school...
or do anything else but sleep.
hello hating everyone.
hello walking into grocery stores just to stare at food.
goodbye life.
Had an awful month. March march march madness.
April hasn't had a great start.
Maybe tomorrow.
I took like 6 laxatives and nothing happened.
Maybe I should eat and I'd get something other than stomach cramps all night.
Die.
I wish I could figure myself out.
End of the rode.
lol, road.
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