listentotheworldsimnotsaying

dirty

Thinking about things tonight... Something I hadn't remembered about what happened came into my head.


If I said no he would always tell me, "I'll tell your parents." "I'll tell your mom." "I'll tell your dad."


Like it was my fault.
Like I was doing something I shouldn't have been doing.
Like I was the one in the wrong.
Maybe I was? Why was I so scared he would tell my family?


Maybe I was the guilty one.

old people.

today has been weird. I was okay today, eating fruits, running-ish (I still have a cold so it was more like, running *blowing nose* running, *blowing nose*....

I'm so fucking tired.. always so tired I'm never *fine.*

So.. I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
I don't want to eat tomorrow.
I don't want to eat ever.


I really fucking hate eating. I'd rather drink, or just..... just do nothing.

I always knew food scared me, but I never thought about how much I just physically hate eating.


I wish I lived by myself.
Or was just by myself.
I am by myself, I suppose I don't have to wish it.

apparently no one can see.

17.3

goodbye more 6 pounds.

hello to hating myself.
hello to being depressed.
hello crying in the bathroom at work.
hello no energy to go to school...
                        or do anything else but sleep.
hello hating everyone.
hello walking into grocery stores just to stare at food.

goodbye life.





Had an awful month. March march march madness.
April hasn't had a great start.
Maybe tomorrow.

I took like 6 laxatives and nothing happened.
Maybe I should eat and I'd get something other than stomach cramps all night.
Die.


I wish I could figure myself out.

End of the rode.
lol, road.

x

so depressed it hurts.
so tired.
so done.

low low low low dirty dirty sick die die.
cut cut cut.
cry cry cry.


my head hurts. =X
on some new meds that take my appetite away.
lol.
anorexia = loss of appetite.
what is an appetite.
it more like, takes my thoughts away.
i can't explain it.

dirty.
i feel so dirty.
i am so dirty.


ishouldhavefoughtharder.
ishouldhavefoughtharder.
ishouldhavefought.
ran.

at least I did the last time. ran.
son of a bitch.
burn in hell.

with me?

uhglfshgljkfhglf.

literally squirming in my own skin.
i want out out out.
sitting here all day, i keep moving around to try and get away from myself
but i just fucking fucking fucking can't.


fuck someone just take me away, please.


please please please.


just make it stop.
i want to stop.