Jingle bells, homework smells.

(Lily, I know you will be proud of this one)

I sort of, inadvertently, requested less hours at work. I was talking to a friend who I work with, telling her how I was so stressed over homework and working 30 hours a week, and my boss overheard our conversation. So she asked me if I was behind in school and I said, not yet, but that I always have a lot of work to do. And so this past Monday I looked at my schedule for next week and it was perfect. She cut my hours by 13 (did I really do math that fast?) lol.. so I work only 17 hours next week. I cried I was so happy.. I was partly happy because I didn't exactly ask for less hours.. they were just given to me.. haha.. I wish I wasn't so stubborn, but at least things worked out this time.

AND I basically pressured a girl at work to sub for me this Sunday so I can go to my cousins 2nd birthday party. I always sub for this girl whenever she asks me to, literally, I think I said no once and I worked for her probably 6 times.. and whenever I ask her, it's always a no. So this time I text her and was like, "So, I'm asking you first because I always work for you, so can you work for me this Sunday..." and she was like, "Well, I guess so, but I work early Monday morning." And I just said THANKS SO MUCH! and she said no problem. lol. I can be an assertive bitch sometimes but I think this chick deserved it. She owed me one.

This week has been a challenge though. Well, not so much this week as to these past 2 months, lol. But really, since Tuesday I've been awfully stressed out. I have SO much work due tomorrow, and only got 2 things done. I have a World Religions test which is 25% of my grade, and I've been sitting in my basement for an hour not being able to study.. I did other homework, but not that.. and I also have a human development quiz tomorrow, but those are always easy so I didn't study yet for that either.. and it's 10:45 pm. Oops.

I had these weird stomach cramps today. I asked one of my bosses at work for Tylenol, and she gave me instead a painkiller that she was prescribed. It's a light painkiller, nothing but a little bit stronger than an average dose of Tylenol.. but my stomach still hurt when I got home so I popped 3 Tylenol.. it's safe to say that I felt completely numb and loopy and sleepy.. I couldn't get myself to start working until it wore off..

My scab finally fell off from when I cut myself last week.. it was a pretty thick cut, and I wasn't able to work out because I couldn't wear shorts.. now at least it's much less noticeable, although still red.

I really need to go study.. but I can't bring myself to give a shit anymore. I just want to sleep and for tomorrow to be over.

I finished my paper.

I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper I finished my paper.



Hell.
Yes.


For my scary English teacher. Not scary, but, yeah, actually, pretty damn scary. I was fucking worried about it. Like, more anxious about it than I've ever been in a long time over a homework assignment. And I finished it in like, 3 1/2 hours.

I'm still tweaking it, but it's mainly done.

I couldn't be happier.
Lol, I'm happy?
No, probably not, just relieved.
A big rock has just been lifted off my shoulders.

OMG. I finished my paper. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.


I shouldn't get too excited, what if it sucks? lol

why why why

I'm fucking stupid.
I charged my own card for online shopping instead of my parents.
Now I'm out $130.
Ooops.

I think I kind of deserved it, I was too lazy/tired to get up and see which card numbers were mine or my parents.. the website has them both saved on their site so I never have to enter them in anymore.
I shop too much, apparently. Hah. I'm pissed though.

I probably sound like a spoiled bitch. Whatever.

I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
About anything.


Cut cut cut.

Tonight sucks. This week sucks.. The past few weeks have sucked.

I keep waiting for a break.. for a day that I'm not so upset or crying or stressing about anything. A day where I don't cut.
And the day never comes.
Never fucking comes.

My life sucks.
I suck.
Work and school suck.

I really can't handle it anymore. Idk what to do, honestly. I'm going literally insane, more than I already am, lol, and it's literally breaking me to pieces. Chunks.


Life is crushing me and I'm to weak to care.

Things to do:

-Finish reading and taking notes for my psych quiz Tuesday.
-Sleep tonight.
-Work out tomorrow.
-Analyze, summarize, and outline chapter for English for Tuesday.
-Read 4 chapters for my speech class for Tuesday.
-Write 2nd World Religions paper for Thursday.
-Go to work tomorrow.

Don't die? Don't cut. Don't freak out.

eat. something.

Zzzzzz

I'm tired. So tired.
I worked today and now I can't focus on homework. My body is exhausted and so is my mind.
I don't want to go shopping, but I will. I should do homework, but I can't get off the couch. I can't even run.
I need less hours at work but I want to be able to do it.. I don't want to let anyone down by asking for less.
I don't want to disappoint my boss, and I won't. My co-worker goes to school full time, too, and she told our boss she needs to work less. But I don't want to be like her. I need to be stronger. Better.
I need to be less. Nothing. Less than nothing. Gone.



Going to visit one of my best friends colleges today with my other best friend. I'm excited for that, but I need a nap.
I'll go nap now, I suppose. There goes shopping.
I need a break.
I need a lot of things.


Hope you all are well.

mad men.

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself.

I worked so hard in high school. I was an all-around athlete, graduated in the top 5% of my class.. I graduated 9th in my class, I think.. or 7th... whatever.. Got into the best universities.. and even got into one of the best psych programs outside of Ivy League schools.. and then I fucked everything up and had to leave.

It's all my fault. I am fucking stupid. Worthless. Shit. Disgusting. Loser. Piece of shit. Nothing.

And now, I am sitting home on my parents couch, stuck at home for another year, in community college, a place I swore myself I'd never be... working full time, while all my friends are off doing something with their lives.. I am alone.

What the fuck.

Why am I still here.
Why am I such a disgusting person.
Awful person.
Nothing person.
Not worth anything person.
Apparently.

I did some bad things. Oh well. I deserve it.

I really fucking hate myself.. I can literally feel the worthlessness moving around inside me... swishing... flowing.. I can feel it under my skin, does that make sense? I know it's there.. because I can feel it.

I wish I couldn't feel anything..
Nothing.
Zero.
Gone.
Perfect.

i hate hair.

I am a bad friend. I'm so absorbed in my own shit and I don't have the time or focus to help any of my friends. They send me texts and I can't focus enough to read them or even understand what they are trying to say.. and I snap at them. I'm awful.

I'm sorry.




PS. Again, title is a quote I just heard on Chelsea Lately... lol.