you're a dick.

Do you ever feel like you don't belong in your body? Like.... like you are not good enough for it? Not worth enough? My brain is so fucked up, my "spirit" is so fucked up or whatever. What did I ever do to deserve this body? I'm ruining it all; everything is on my shoulders, and I'm getting very tired of carrying the weight around.

And the amazing part is, I'm smart... school smart, I mean, other smarts, not so much... but I should logically be able to see what I am doing to myself and stop it. Logic is the key and I can't figure out which door it opens. How incredibly smart does that make me? Genius.





PS. I couldn't think of a title for this, and on TV a commercial came on, and some dude said, "You're a dick." lol. So, no one is a dick.. except maybe, a dick.... this is getting awkward.

LYRICS

Just some lyrics I like... :) Or can relate to... Or both.
pointless post lol. Just really for my enjoyment, as I'm bored.. and can't sleep.


Lost myself and I'm nowhere to be found,
Yeah, I think that I might break,
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe.
------
It feels like everyday stays the same,
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again.
-------
Well it's in full speed baby,
in the wrong direction
There's a few more bruises
if that's the way
you insist on heading.
------
I have everything to lose
by not giving up to fight.
------
Where all these troubles
that weigh down on me will rise
Run to your dreaming
when you're alone
Where all these questions
Spinnin' around my head
Will die....


My favorite song of all time.... never gets old for me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7O9Sf4P38oE

shit work shit shit work.

My boss talked to me today. She asked me why I thought I got so many hours this week, I was like uh, because I'm a good employee? (lol) And she said she wanted to "watch me" because my parents obviously weren't doing a great job at it. Um, okay. I hate feeling like this.. like I'm forcing someone to look after me and it's a burden on them.. I love work and I don't want to feel weird there.

I hardly ate today. I had half of a banana and I feel like absolute shit. I wish she never said that to me; it's all I'm going to think about whenever she's at work with me.. which is hardly ever.. and like someone told me, why would she give me more hours if she's worried about me? Shouldn't she give me less? She's never there when I'm scheduled anyway, besides today and tomorrow I suppose. I just hate it. Myself. Blah. Whatever I guess. It's my fault anyway.

I'm just in a horrible mood, I can't stop crying. And to top it off, I accidently cut myself at work, and, it's just a scratch, but it looks like a faded scar on my arm.. Damn soap boxes can kiss my ass. What's more triggering then a cut that I didn't even get to purposely do to myself? Now I have that feeling, but I won't do it, so whatever.

Today was awful. I'm not in a good mood. But I want so much to be.

thinking thinking thoughts.

So many thoughts
schoolworkfriendsrecoveringdyinglivingworkingrunningspinningfallingfainting.

All at once.. it's like I don't know which to think about first.. each equally as important as the next.


I have to write a paper about how my sister and I are different and how we are the same. That should be easy. There is one big difference. She's normal. lol, what if I wrote that on my paper.. haha.

"She is normal." "The great one." "The outspoken one." "The funny one." "The, everything I'm not, one."

lol.

Some people think I'm normal.. that I have no flaws. My friends think I'm perfect.. ('friends,' lol)... They're jealous of me.. I excel at school, have a nice job, what seems to be a steady family...I'm just excellent at hiding things. Truly, I am. I'm great at acting. They obviously know things about my ED, but they act like it's nothing, like it's part of me.. that it makes me who I am. And sometimes, I believe that it does.



That's what I have to change... it doesn't make me. I make me. It is just a part of me.. And parts can be broken... but they can also be fixed.. you just have to find someone who is willing to help you fix them.

seriously....

*deleted*

The ignorance of people.
she has an eating disorder, too.


i'm scary.
you're scary.
eating disorders are scary.


ass.



isuckusickcisuckisuckiusckisucksuscihisjcijca.
horrible human being.

op?

Looking into outpatient programs. Idk if I'm ready yet. I'm scared, I'm being shoved.

I'm not ready. I won't go. But I want to look.

are you hungry?

Went to my best friends house today.. her mom offered me food about 5 times. "No, I'm not hungry."
Doesn't she get it?
Doesn't anyone get it?

No.

Going to Florida this Saturday. If I can't bring my laptop, I won't be on here or PT at all for a week. Then school starts the day after I get back. And work.

Fuck it. All.

Seriously.

I've been hanging out with friends from work, they're great and a nice change from my "other" friends, lol.. or my high school friends, whatever. They treat me like an actual human being. It's nice.

I really have nothing to say. I'm gonna go watch DeGrassi.