wow.

an eating disorder is not a diet.
good? good.
cool.

halloween, mf.

Today was annoying, I think.
We watched one of my favorite movies in my history class though, Casablanca.
Didn't go to my first class.
Came home and painted my nails and talked to my dad.
Went to work for 2 and a half hours. It was horribly slow.
I'm almost done with my book, Elsewhere.
It's so good. Only 170 pages left. And it's sadly a short, quick read.
But so sosososo so good.

I can't remember if I ate today or not.
I think not.
20 days until I go to Florida.

OHMYGOD.
The scariest thing happened to me today, lmao. I told NANNY (on PT) about it lol.
I was in my room, on my break from work, doing my hair or something stupid. And all of a sudden I hear the theme song from the Halloween movies start playing. I was like HOLY SHIT!! SOME MOTHERFUCKER PLANTED A TAPE PLAYER IN MY ROOM TO MAKE IT 10 TIMES MORE SCARIER WHEN THEY KILL ME! I was like, literally shaking so much lol and I thought my heart was going to beat away. I couldn't move, I just stood in my room, thinking about how I'm going to die in my stupid room, doing my stupid hair, by some guy who is impersonating Mike Myers.

Turns out it was my mom downstairs, calling her phone, which was in her purse in my room (because I was borrowing it). Her ringtone is the song from Halloween. Holy shit. I haven't been that scared in a while. Like, I can't explain it lol I felt so stupid lmao.

Thank you, Greys Anatomy.... lol

lmao, sorry mom.

off topic... anyone watch Lady GaGa's concert at MSG?
I only did because I don't have actual shows I watch on when I'm on PT or facebook lol becaues I can't read shit and watch TV at the same time.. so I had her show on in the background.. and I was thoroughly bored... she ripped a barbie's head off.. she lip sang... no one was cheering really.. unless they just tuned it out. idk i'm babbling. Plus.. no one has actual yellow hair.. wtf.

I guess she sang one song while playing the piano.. she messed up a few times.. being a pianst myself (lol) I noticed.. but uh, she did good on it. I like that song. weee.

and wtf was that when she tried playing piano and guitar with her feet... it didn't workout well and looked completely stupid.

Ugh I feel like a bitch for ruining her creativity. But, whatever. I gave one good comment, yeah?

I've decided her fans at the concert were screaming lol and they just toned them out for our TV-viewing pleasure.

Awkward for me. She just said she doesn't lip sync.
idk why I keep updating this. Who the hell cares.
She actually sings quite well.

it takes a village.

My mind feels very put together today. Yes. No. I want this. Not that. I feel very on edge, though. I know I have to get things done. Finalize my school work. Try and focus. One week left. Done done done. I don't have much school work to do, so yay. Just a test Monday, and I can't focus enough to think anymore. But I have 3 tests next week. They'll be easy. And one paper do. I already did it. Then summer.


This is gonna sound weird. Like, I'm a TV addict lol, but my TIVO is absolutely full and it makes me insanely nervous. Like I need to watch everything. Now. I'm watching 90210 now. I wish my life was a fake character in a television show. On the show they just took their friend to a mental ward. I wish I could live there. Get some peace and quite. Just for a little while. No, I'd miss my bed. My life. My food. Everything. But I'd like to get the chance to sleep. All day.


Went out to eat for my friends birthday today. I worked today. Didn't eat today until we went to eat at 8. We got stir fry.. I had some rice and chicken with teriyaki sauce. I'd say 300 calories. Did i spell that right? Oh well. It was pretty fucking good but it took a lot to eat. My friend stared at me the whole time which made me madder than hell. I told her to stop watching me and went to the bathroom to ease the tension. It worked fine. I ate. She ate. It was good.


I also have to go out to eat for my dad's birthday tomorrow. My whole family will be there so I can't exactly bring my salad dressing to pour on the salad I'll get. They'd notice and start some shit. I hate my family sometimes. I just wish nobody cared what anybody else did, ya know? Good. So, I'll go to work again tomorrow.. get up, not eat, go to work, not eat, come home, not eat, go out to eat. Eat. I'll have to eat. Something. It's one day. One meal. Okay okay. I knew this was coming for a few weeks, so I'm not freaked out. I planned around it. I'm fine.

Also,  I work all day Sunday. 11-9. Not eating Sunday.

My hands are dry. I need lotion.
Peace out girl scout.

pink socks.

Treated myself to a 10 calorie lemonade and 3 ice cubes today. yay me... How pathetic. it was that shit you put in your water. I drank it in a lovely pink cup with a white straw and yellow stripes. Fancy. ;) lol jk. Well compared to the water bottles I generally drink out of, that pink cup was somethin special.

That reminds me. We have this mug, it's a pig mug. Like, it's shaped like a pig and you drink out of where it's brains should be. Weird, right? I tried to google it, but the one mug shaped like a pig I found was really ugly lol and ours is pretty cute if I can say so. I don't know why I said this.. hm.

I also had 2 cream savers today. The strawberry kind. Nomnomnom. And of course my salad. I feel like death today. It's just a bad day. I ditched my first class and of course on my way out of my second class I saw the teacher of my first class. Awkward. And I got all frazzled when I saw her so I went down 2 stair levels instead of one and got myself lost. I pretended like I knew where I was going and managed to walk out the wrong door, so I had to walk an extra 10 minutes around the damn school to the parking lot lol I felt so stupid.. I am stupid, so that makes sense.

This is weird.. when I type, my brain is a word behind reading but my fingers are a word ahead.. get it? I think I'm crazy. Hah. Crazy.

I saw Jason Derulo last night at my best(?) friends college. It was fun. We went out to eat after. They got cheese burgers. I had a cup of ice cream before I left for her college... do I need to say I didn't get a burger? No, I didn't get a burger. And that place we went to was freezing. Btw, Jason Derulo may not be hot but he has an awesome body. Okay okay.

I'm freezing. This damn lemonade makes me cold.. yeah.. it's the lemonade Abby.. weee. I just watched the Social Network. It was really good. Ended too soon, I think. I wasn't expecting the ending when it came.

I have to do my English assignment now.. we are analyzing advertisements. I did a Justin Bieber nail polish ad,  one of those 'Got Milk?' ads, and an Orajel ad.. lol. I just have to merge some paragraphs apparently and add some more words.

ad. add. add. ad. ad ad add.

my mind is all fuzzy. I want to lay in bed all day and never get up. Never feel pain again.

I was thinking this morning when I woke up.. woke up? Yeah, layed in bed, whatever, when I woke up, about what will happen after I die. Creepy I know. I'm weird. Freak. Loser. Okay. But like, I don't want to be buried. That's like, a big fear of mine. To be buried alive. And I know I'll be dead and all, but I feel like I'd come back alive in that coffin, 6 feet under, and not be able to breathe or scream or move or see. And that'll be it. And then I don't want to be cremated.. because.. how scary would it be to burn in a big oven? How does that even work? My grandfather was cremated, but, I didn't ask questions. Also, I hate water. Like, I'm deathly afraid of the big oceans and boats and the lake. (I go in, but not on a boat and not more than 10 feet out) so I couldn't do the thing that they do with our soldiers and apparently Osama, tie you down with rocks and you sink to the bottom of the ocean.

So is there an option 4? What can I do to my body? What can they do to it?

Don't let them do anything.

lmao shit.

Okay it's not big secret I like to drink with my friends and party. My parents found my water bottle full of vodka in my room today lol. They were all like, "Why is there alcohol in your closet?? You sitting in your room and drinking alone is really unsettling." lmao I thought that was hilarious. I do not, by any means, sit in my room by myself and drink. I am not an alcoholic. I told them I obviously bring it out and use it with my friends. They understood lol. My parents are pretty chill... well at least my dad is. He completely understands which is good. I mean I'm 19 so it's not a big surprise that I drink, but whatever. I'm not in trouble or anything, I just had to dump it out, which is bogus because it was 30 bucks lol. Oh well I'll always get more.

But my mom also found my diet pills. Oops. Well, actually they aren't really even diet pills. it's diurex, which I sincerely use when I used to get my period for bloating.. it works like magic.. it's just a water pill.. so I convinced them of that too. But my dad just left the house so I ran up to my room and threw away all my diet books that I hoard (lol) and my actual diet pills and anything bad that I wrote in my journals is all in the trash. I feel so anxious but glad it's all gone. I mean, I they know about my ed, I'm sure of it.. but now I don't know that they do...  My mother always makes stupid ass comments whenever I eat and my dad isn't home enough to notice anything, so idk.. maybe they don't know. It's not like we have family meals anymore.

Gonna be awkward probably today and tomorrow lol especially when my mother gets home. That should be.. interesting. Apparently she saw the "water bottle" last week but didn't say anything. Weird. They weren't snooping, btw. My mom was getting her summer clothes out of my closet and saw it and then my dad was shaving the doors on my closet down because they get stuck in my rug. Hahhaha, oh, life.

I'm just rambling. But, funny day, I guess.. In my screw up head, I think it's all funny.

can post secret read minds?...