most random blog post in the history of blog posts

I feel like I need to write but I don't know what to write about.
I can feel things pent up inside but I can't tell what they are.
It's silly.
I don't think there is a feeling for what I am, or for what I feel.
So I'm just gonna write and see what comes out...
--

I feel like I was never a dreamer. I was always a realist. I mean for the most part I had a kick ass childhood.. I explored the world (basically my backyard and my street) but still I don't remember thinking about anything extraordinary or exciting. Just your typical childhood in a quiet neighborhood in the city. Shame, nothing exciting ever really happened. Or, did it? And I'm just too "grown-up" to look back on my childhood ambitions? Either way it's sad. I want to be as carefree as I was then, but I want to go back and be able to think that nothing is impossible, that I can live any way that I want to and always be happy.. I was a really happy kid up until I was 9 (even after that, but.. never mind).
--

After reading some things, I feel like everyone is suffering. That everyone thinks that their life sucks. That everyone goes to bed crying and wakes up and slaps a smile on their faces and goes about their day. Everyone has problems. Not everyone is perfect. Only a select few are happy. So why is it so hard for people to relate to one another? Why do we all try to hard to act like everything is okay, when really everything is falling apart?
--

I hate being bored and having nothing to do. It drives me nuts and makes me think. I hate sitting still and not bettering myself. Took 2 tests today and now I have nothing to do. I want my grades on those tests.
--

I had a dream last night that me and a bunch of people (6) were looking for the train stop. We accidentally took the bus into a neighborhood that we didn't know and then we wandered inside a huge department store looking for someone to help, but no one would, and those people who actually acknowledged us didn't have the answer. We finally found a woman who pointed us in the right direction, and the train stop was right outside one of the exits in the building, oddly next to some country from Disneys 'It's a Small World.' It was weird. When we got there and realized it was It's a Small World, I woke up. I never found out if we all made it home, if the train even came.

That got me thinking, I guess. There are gonna be people in life who ignore me, who see me but can't help, or don't want to help, are scared of me, and there are going to be people who will try to help me, but don't k now how. Or people who point me in the right direction, but then it's up to me to figure out how to make my way out of this mess.
--
I can read forever. Finished 5 books on the train last week and 2 so far this week. Reading always has been my escape when things got too hard.

Me he vuelto loca

This is so frustrating. My fucking brain.
I try to eat healthy, convince myself to eat more, not for me but for my family, my little sister.
To set an example, a good one, I want them all to be healthy and stop eating shit food.
I planned my food out, mostly fruits and veggies and whole grains, and it's maybe 600 calories.
And all that seems like a shit ton of food! It IS a shit ton of food!. a salad, sandwich, mini bagel, fruits up the ying yang.
But I had to add more, had to be 1,500 calories.
I did it for about a week. I physically felt better but mentally I was falling apart.
Every little comment someone made to me was an attack.. even if it was a compliment or something positive, I just wanted to crawl into my brain and hide. Crawl anywhere and disappear and to stop being noticed.

And cue a week later and I'm back to restricting. Again.
I've tried before and failed before.
Back to 577 calories today.
And I'm not hungry.

This will never go away.

2720 calories

So today I woke up.

I ate 3 chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast.. 600 calories
On the train I had 80 calorie fruit snacks.
In class I had 1/3 a medium coffee with cream and sugar from Dunkin Donuts... 120 calories.
And a Fiber One bar.. 140 calories.
Then I had a Veggie Subway Sandwich with a friend around 2.... 350 calories.
I came home and went to Noodles and Co with a friend at 5..
---Ate a small serving of the spaghetti and meatballs.... 570 calories
Then on the way home at 7 I got a kiddie meal cheeseburger and frosty from Wendys... 290 for the burger, 320 for the fries, 250.

2,720 calories today.


And I'm still not full.
And I'm planning on what else to eat.

Nothing can fill this emptiness inside.
I can not feel a single thing.

What am I?
Who am I?


I'm getting drunk tomorrow.

hopefully

Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.

sick

I was sick for about 10 days.
Nothing major... except my throat felt on fire, I had to blow my nose every 5 seconds, I couldn't sleep, my body ached, I had a migraine for 2 days.
Anyway. I don't mean to complain, but it was awful.
I lost about 5 pounds.. I could hardly eat. My face looks pretty sick.
And pale.
Wonderful.
All the color I gained from this summer is gone and I'm back to my grey-white self.
Ugly.
Self.

I can't wait until I can start running again.
I feel TONS better, even since yesterday.. Like 60% better than I did yesterday.
It went away as fast as it came on, which is good.

Anyway, I have a big research to psych test that I'm studying for.
Buh-byeeeeee.