possibilities

Is it possible for your feet to die?
To work long hours on 56 calories a day and not pass out?
To drink too much water?
For your face to shrink when you apply a face mask?
To be annoyed with someone who isn't even home?
To like someone even though you don't know them?
To fear something that you know is inevitable?



Apparently they are all possible.

i hate myself.
all the time.

reading.

Reading is such an escape.. getting lost in others lives.. I've always loved reading since I was a kid.. I'd spend hours in my room going through books like I was afraid they were going to vanish before I finished them.
I almost forget everything when I read. Everything is great.

Today I had school, I only went to one class, it was boring.. then I went shopping with my friend while my parents ate dinner. I'm horribly tired.. watched the Hawks game.. they lost.. mother @#$%^&*. So, they're out of everything.. Oh well. Can't say I care much, but it was fun when they won the Stanley Cup last year, the city went crazy.

I can't remember what else I did.. Weee.

gah

happy easter.. right? I was meant to sit at the kids table.. because I'm not good enough for the adult table.. Okay.... but then after a few minutes they let me sit at the adult table, "We were just kidding dear.".... Alright... Easter was a mess.  I ate some fruit salad and some corn. It was pretty good, I love strawberries and grapes and apples.. and I'm obsessed with corn. "Aren't you going to eat?"... Yeah... blahblahblah. I hate family get-togethers. No, I like them, some.. seeing them all.. playing with my younger cousins, but they are not shy about anything. They call you out on your BS, which I hate to my very sole.. soul?... soul. lol.

Personal business is personal business.

I'm always so sleepy. Weee. Ditching my first class tomorrow because my second class was canceled, so why "wake up" early for my first. So I'll stay home and workout weee. Until I have work at 245-545. 3 hours is so great lol. I love work. I'm always moving and my co-workers are sweet.

I want something, but, I'm not quite sure what. Tomorrow? I think I want tomorrow. No I want sleep. And to take my pills (not in a suicidal way).. I just like my morning vitamins and diet pills and iron tablets and.. shit there is one more but I forgot.. ah well.. I love taking them out of their perfect bottles and setting them on my dresser all nicely placed according to size.. now If I could just get my hand back on some sleeping pills..

WEEE that is what I want. Figured it out. I was watching New Adventures of Old Christine with my friend yesterday and Christine got sleeping pills. I was so jealous I wanted to die lol I was jonesing so hard core.

Sleep shouldn't be something that one misses. Seriously. Everyone needs sleep. like, yeah. I just want to fucking sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Please? bahahahuhauhf I'm going psycho. Okay bye.

OH WAIT! I've noticed that I'm starting to type like people from England lolol. I say 'lovely' all the time, and "bloody hell!' lmao. They're so funny. I also just watched Harry Potter so I think that might be why.. Bloody hell you are lovely! ;)

yuck.

I feel so sick. That is all. lol. My parents are asleep so I have no one to tell.. as if I'd tell them.. but still.

So I effed up on my healthy plan. Oh well. I was way to anxious in the morning about eating all that food, so I wound up eating nothing all day until dinner. I really felt like shit for not following through on my plan and a lovely dear on pt helped me through it and I ended up eating a slice of pizza. A whole slice. And it was delicious. Then I felt like crap, but whatever. I ate it, right? And I didn't take lax or diet pills right after. I just let it sit. Today is different, however.. I'm taking lax tonight. But idc. I ate the slice of pizza. Mini accomplishment.. one step at a time.

Anyone watch American Idol? Anyways, Scotty Mccreery is so cute. Like, adorable.
Yum.

holy $%^&*;

Decided I'm gonna try and eat way more calories tomorrow. Idky. I just want to attempt it. See if I can, ya know? I'm gonna eat 660 calories. Sure not really healthy still, but I usually eat 0-300. So, double. I know it's gonna be really hard. And writing it all out scares the shit out of me. But here's what I'm gonna try to eat.

Breakfast: 1 banana, vanilla yogurt. - 185 calories.
Lunch: Chicken salad. - 155 calories.
Dinner: 2 Clementines and dinosaur oatmeal. - 270 calories.
Snack: 1/2 cup grapes. -50 calories.

I think that's 660, right? lol.

I'm getting very nervous thinking about it. Well, writing about it.. it makes me want to vomit I'm so nervous. But I don't have to do it if I don't want to. But I want to try. I really do. Do I? Shit. ^&*()&^&*(*@^*($*(@&$.. Idk. Shit is so hard. I can barely sit up at school.. or focus.. or remember what the hell we did 5 minutes after class is over. I want to die when I'm working out.. I have no energy and I'm depressed all the time. I want to try. 660. Nice number. Maybe I'll add a pickle.. that way it'll be 665. and I love 5's. lol.

I hate this.


edit: idk, can i edit these? lol. well i changed it to 600 calories. i like that number better. maybe i'll still keep the pickle and make it 605 lol. i'm such a freak. i took out one clementine and these baco things on my salad. i love bacos but i haven't had them in years and idk that i'm ready to eat them yet. okay i'm rambling.

edit edit: idk. this is stupid. that banana scares me. bananas scare me. they are too long. too much. so many bites. so many pieces. even if i cut them up, there will be a ton of food. of banana. maybe i'll have the yogurt only. maybe i'll forget about this whole thing tomorrow (today?) when i wake up..

oy vey.

"Interesting history paper topics."

Is what I googled. Our professor lets us write about literally anything.. my first paper was on a few of Shakespeares plays.. and then my second paper was on Black Holes lol. He actually quite liked it. I figured I'd do him a favor and actually write about something history related this time. I was thinking about writing about the Freemasons.. they're an interesting group. But my head is pounding.

Maybe I should eat. No, I'm going to Starbucks later to write and I was planning on getting a drink. It's actually a weird headache.. like.. one side of my head hurts and my eyes are all tired and idk it's just weird.. I just want to sleep. Cold medicine it is tonight. Hopefully I'll sleep.

I'm watching Sex and the City 2. I saw it in theaters.. wasn't worth the 10 bucks.. but it's fine watching at home. The girls are packing to go back to New York.. home sweet home. I love that feeling.. when you're away from home and getting ready to return home. Sure home isn't always great, but it's comfortable.

Just figured it out. I got new headbands yesterday from Charlotte Russe and it hurts my head lol.
Beauty is pain. Too bad I have no beauty.

I'm just rambling... stalling.. I don't want to do my paper. 5 boring pages. It'll take an hour.. but.. an hour too long. I want a bunny for Easter. We'll see if I get one. I'm gonna sound like a spoiled little bitch, but, I usually always get what I want.. probably because I don't ask for much, but still. I did sound like a spoiled bitch. Certainly not little, but, oh well.

I want summer. I want to do nothing all day. I don't want to do homework. I want to sleep. And not eat. All day.

309.

I feel like shit because I ate 309 calories. Mind you, I already worked out 1,000 calories on my treadmill and bike. Threehundredandnine calories. Seriously? Why can't I be normal. 309 calories is like, one meal. I want to die because of 309 calories. I won't eat tomorrow or maybe Friday.

On a happy note, Anyone hear about that baby who got served a Margarita at AppleBees.. in a sippy cup?? lmao. Kid blew a 1.0.... wasted.... Made me laugh.

sleepy

I was planning on ditching my first class today  (I only have 2 on Mondays and Wednesdays..) because I couldn't sleep last night.. what's new? But my lovely father woke me up just in time to get ready and leave. It was fine.. my sociology class.. we just watched a movie so I zoned out the whole period. My next was a renaissance class that I love. The professor is super easy going and he's super understanding and I can draw while he lectures. I haven't really been able to eat in a few days, but I wanted to work out when I got home.. so I did. No one was home, so I plan to work out again tonight. Maybe I'll sleep tonight. I'm watching Friends, and Joey is going to a sleep clinic, lol. I have astronomy homework to do, and a rough draft of an English paper to write.. should take 30 minutes. Go! (maybe after Friends is over).

This week has been awful. I found out the person I trust and love the most isn't who I thought he was. I can't even look at him. I hate being home.. and I hate being anywhere else, really. It's not fair that I know this.. and he doesn't know that I know.. nobody knows that I know.. and I just feel horrible. I've been hibernating in my room mostly or on the treadmill in my basement. I hate waking up and having to lie again.. act normal. Thank God for work, getting me out of the house. I feel so sick over what I found out, I ate way less than normal this week.. not doing good, atm. Just want to stay in bed forever. So exhausted, but I won't sleep.

i hate my mother.

i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother. i hate my mother.

i want a new family.
i know things about my parents that i shouldn't.
i hate them. i hate myself.
my friendships are just me giving.
i'm no one. no one would care if i vanished.

manic, sin, fool.