bullet to the heart

I like to write posts and look back months later and see how much shit has changed.. lols.
Still a nanny.
Taking summer classes bc it turns out I have 18 credits left, not 1.
I'm a dumbass who can't do simple math.. *Insert gun emoji here*
Summer classes can suck a nut.
Triggered as fuck.
Not eating, what what?

Yeah I rhymed mothafuckas.
Must go do homework.

Finally back

Forgot my email/password for this site when my old laptop broke and thanks to a lovely PT member, I found my username, and eventually my email I created for this and then my password. YAY.


So much has changed since August:
-I dropped my nutrition major.
- Found out I was 1 credit away from being eligible to graduate this term (I'm a transfer student so I need a certain amount of credits at the current university I'm at) so I'm graduating after the summer semester.
-Naturally, the 2014 commencement ceremony is in May, and so I'll have to wait a whole YEAR to walk down the isle..... Fml.
-I officially quit my shitty retail job and now I'm a nanny.


Since I'll be done with school in May, I'll be applying to graduate schools for September 2015. Meaning I have a whole year to do whatever I want. And I want to travel. I'm lucky enough that my current job makes me big $$, so I'm researching mission trips in South America.

Nothing ED wise has changed. I was doing GREAT last semester, really. Basically left PT, most of my ED was kinda under control (okay, kinda not, but relatively speaking, it was the best I've been in a long time) and now I'm back in that dreaded cycle. I lost 15 pounds from December 4 to New Years. Ironically, I binged and purged the fuck out of myself on New Years Day, lol... and yeah. Been doing that ever since.. Yay 2014...... -_-

Food is not the enemy
your eating disorder is.


Haven't been around lately, mostly because my computer hasn't been working and I've been out of town. I've been doing really well, really been happy for a while now. My eating has been great, my thoughts haven't been so dark.. I've been okay!

A lot has happened! I got a new job, I quit my old job, my old job wanted me back, I went on vacation, and school starts next week.. Statistics, chemistry, biology, and psychology. Death semester.

If your ED tells you you’re doing something wrong, you’re probably doing something right.

re-reading old blogs.

It's funny how when you re-read old blog posts that you write, you are immediately taken back to those same feelings you were having the day you were writing them. I was re-reading my "emotional roller coaster" post and things have changed since then.. I did drop out of my chemistry class. It was so stressful and I hated life and yeah. I went to class on a Wednesday, took a quiz, got a 30%, left class and cried all the way to the train, called my mom crying to tell her I was dropping it, and it was fine. I still have my Foods class, only 1 day a week so it's fine.

I feel like I'm never content. I'm either depressed and restricting or depressed and binging and purging. There is never a happy medium. There was when I started praying again, and I want to start doing that again. I keep getting lost off that path and straying away from it.. I was sincerely happy, what, in May?.. 2 months ago I was at peace with God, doing my thing, and it didn't take long before I fell and started b/p again, then healthy eating again, then restricting again.

THE DAMN FUCKING CYCLE..... First Binge.... then binge and purge.... then eat healthy and exercise and feel like I'm doing well!... then I start to get obsessive and start restricting and over exercising.... then again, BINGE. and it re-fucking-peats.


On a random note, I've been getting awful headaches everyday. It sucks. The end.

I WANT TO RUN, DAMNIT.

It's so hard not to run today and give myself a day off. I keep getting up to change into my workout clothes but then I keep convincing myself to sit back down.
It's the little wins that matter. :)

emotional roller coaster.

WHEW dog today was... weird.
Woke up at 7:30 exhausted, but wide awake, if that makes sense. I couldn't fall back to sleep although I desperately wanted to. I ate some grapes, strawberries, and watermelon and started to feel like shit. I drank coffee and 2 bottles of water (I went to an amusement park the day before and hadn't drank anything so I was pretty dehydrated) and still felt like shit. The only thing I ate yesterday was half of my sister's cheeseburger, which tasted like absolute garbage.
I ditched school this morning. I was too tired to go. I took a shower at 9 and felt more awake/better so I popped two 10mg ritalin  and tried studying.
Then I felt like shit. I studied for maybe 2 hours before I had to go lay down. I was nauseous the whole time and, pooping like crazy... lol. I think it was the weird burger.
The ritalin doesn't last very long on me, or even have that strong of an effect like adderall or vyvanse does, so by the time I felt better, an hour or so later, I no longer wanted to, or had the motivation, to study... so I didn't, although I have a shit ton of work to get done.
So I cried.
I wanted to drop out of school so badly. Or just take a break. I'm so tired, SO tired and my parents can't tell or can't see it because I'm good at hiding it.. but I just want a few moments to myself, to be completely selfish and not work or go to school. But if I take a break from school that adds another year to my graduation date, which I had already added 2 years to when I added nutrition as a major...  I have 3 more years left of school... and that will make 6 years of college. Fuck, that's a long time... I can't add another year to that.
I want to quit my job, too, but I love the people I work with (most of the time), and it's hard for me to actually follow through with quitting, although deep down it's what I've wanted to do for months. It's also nice to have money coming in...

I just don't know what to do. I know what I want but I'm too afraid to give it to myself.

Then, surprisingly, after feeling like shit and crying all day, I felt better around 5 and watched America's Next Top Model and stupid shows.


I JUST WANT MY HEAD TO FUCKING QUIET, FOR 2 GODDAMN MINUTES, PLEASE.